Family life and Dynamics
I am female that is turning 15 this year. Regarding my family I can definitely say we’re struggling financially, at least that’s how I see it. We’re able to get by the month alright but we won’t have any money left for savings. My mother complains a lot about money troubles and I feel like my father is getting more irritable than he was before. My mother as well. She complains a lot more and my parents fight a lot more as well. It overwhelms me with how much they fight, it’s not like constant day type fighting but it’s noticeable more than before. I think it all comes from stress that the money brings. I feel like there’s more negativity in the house and it’s starting to affect me more mentally. The constant complaints about everything, how everyone is angry with each other. It all overwhelms me and I have no one to talk to about it. There’s been two instances where I’ve “tried” to talk to them about how I feel. These are spread by years when different problems emerged. When I was 12, I wasn’t very well mentally. I can definitely say I was some sort of depressed. Mainly I believe is because ever since I was young I wasn’t properly taught how to healthy regulate my emotions. I was told lots of the time that there are people going through worse and that what im a weak person for crying over my problems. And I think it built up a lot inside me to the point I wanted to actually commit suicide. I tried to that year, though I wasn’t educated enough to properly “finish” the job but I knew an outline. I tried overdosing on random medication, not knowing those were just headache tablets. I tried to suffocate myself at night with my pillowing by trying to fall asleep with the pillow over my head and hope I don’t wake up in the morning. That’s basically it but I had my intentions. My school had a counselor, which I believe wasn’t qualified for her job because she only went to university to study education, I used to go to her before I was 12 because I was feeling depressed for a few years now. My parents would make fun of me for it because they thought it was unnecessary and I was just being dramatic and weak. I had wrote her a letter then after she pulled me out of class. And then she discussed it, and I didn’t want to say it out loud how I was feeling so I wrote another letter then we discussed it again. We had to go tell the principal because they would be calling in a child psychologist. This was the most terrifying moment of my life if I was honest because they’d be also calling my parents. And I knew how they were. They would tried to be accommodating and caring for a week at most and then scold me and make fun of me. Saying there are worst problems in the world. And I was foolish to believe this would be different. The child psychologist came in the next day and we had sort of a one on one time. But I found him to be a bit unprofessional as he would take a call and be on his phone in the time we should of been discussing. I believed he said the obvious that could of been taken out of the situation. But I also think I was too scared to be taken away fromy parents and have every opportunity taken away from me. I want a good life, I want to be financially stable. After the meeting the psychologist concluded I’m not at risk to myself but my parents should stop doing certain things, they didn’t. My parents took me home early from school. They were kind and accommodating for a small while. Now when I’m in a mad mood they will bring up that time like “don’t say that because you remembered when you wanted to kill yourself? What were you thinking even? Did you want your father’s attention? You know how he is” and it brings my mood down a lot because that was a vulnerable time in my life. And recently my sister has been feeling something too, my sister and I are 4 years apart and I like being alone mainly because my personality is more introverted and she’s more extroverted and also the usual sibling rivalry but not genuine hate. I’m constantly blamed for her behaviour however since she acts out more than I was when I was her age. I’m blamed because I was “apparently” jealous of her and I didn’t let her watch her baby cartoons when she was young? I’m not sure how I’m responsible for something that’s a parents job but whatever. She also started to feel it to but I’m not sure if she was depressed in a sense. But definitely overwhelmed with how everything is. I wanted to be brave for her and tell our parents how their behaviour makes us feel. My mother constantly blamed our father for everything. But they talked after about family workshops. They never went to them. And soon after called us dramatic and blamed us for it. My father is what I’d call selfish. He has a gym instead of a living room that he spend so much money on when we could of used it for savings. I despise that gym a lot. He likes to buy things when he knows money is tight. He likes to yell at us. I understand that I can be sometimes disrespectful to him and I understand I am wrong in that behaviour? But is it truly right to say things like “I don’t have to do these things for you?some fathers leave and marry some else and start a new family.” he even told us he wish he did. I’m overwhelmed by everything. The yelling, it’s suffocating and I want out of it. I can’t say I’m back in that mindset where I’m suicidal. I dont feel the need to harm myself or die. But I just want to go away from it all. I want to grow up and be on my own and not have to be in a environment where someone is in a bad mood and the whole house is in a bad mood. I don’t know what to do. Am I a weak person?
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Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Assalamualaikum my dear sister,
I can understand how much you are going through….What you’re experiencing is very real, and it deserves both compassion and support. Your feelings are valid.
In Islam, emotions like sadness, frustration, and grief are not signs of weakness. Even our prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) wept when he lost his loved ones. He felt sadness deeply but he turned to Allah in those moments. Crying is not weakness, it’s a form of emotional expression, and in Islam, it’s seen as natural and even spiritually healing. Allah sees your pain. Allah says in the Qur’an:
“Indeed, with hardship comes ease.” (Qur’an 94:6) This verse reminds us that the pain you’re experiencing is not forever, and Allah is watching over you. He knows what you’re going through, even when others don’t understand or minimize it.
Islam teaches personal accountability. You’re not at fault for their arguments or you’re not responsible for your parents choices, financial choices. You’re not to blame for how your sister behaves or for things you weren’t taught. Parents are responsible for their children, not the other way around. You’re not selfish or bad for wanting peace or for feeling hurt when you’re treated unfairly.
Islam does not encourage staying in emotional or mental harm. It’s okay to want to distance yourself to protect your mental well-being. That is not being ungrateful or disobedient it’s self-preservation. You’re incredibly resilient. What you did when you spoke up, when you wrote to the counselor, and when you tried to be brave for your sister, these are all signs of immense inner strength. Not weakness…Even now, you’re seeking guidance and clarity. That’s powerful.
Moving forward you can turn to Allah in dua. Just talk to Him in your language. Tell Him what you told here. Cry if you need to. You don’t need fancy words, just a sincere heart. He listens when no one else does. Journaling your emotions can help ease the mental clutter and pain, especially when you feel silenced or misunderstood. Protect your energy by finding small routines that bring you peace (e.g., listening to calming Qur’an recitations, drawing, reading, going for walks). Build a future plan for independence in the future. Dream about the life you want to live, set goals (education, career). That dream can be your anchor to keep moving forward.
Remember, in Islam, the one who endures difficulty with patience is promised immense reward. That doesn’t mean you have to be silent, but it means even your silent tears are not wasted. They are witnessed by Allah. Even if your environment feels chaotic, your relationship with Allah can be your peace. Make small, consistent duas, one after each prayer or even just in your heart when you feel overwhelmed.
One powerful dua is: “Hasbiyallahu la ilaha illa Huwa, ‘alayhi tawakkaltu wa Huwa Rabbul-‘Arshil-‘Adheem.”
(Allah is sufficient for me. There is no deity except Him. On Him I rely, and He is the Lord of the Mighty Throne.) Try saying “Ya Allah, give me peace, protect my heart, and give me a future full of ease.” That’s enough. Allah hears even the whispers.
Even if you can’t change your family situation right now, you can take small steps to protect your mind and heart. Set gentle boundaries in your own way. That could mean quietly going to your room when arguments start, listening to headphones, or saying to yourself, “This is not my fault. I am not responsible for fixing this.” Write it out. Keep a journal where you let your emotions out honestly. If you’re afraid someone will read it, write and delete it, or keep a note on your phone. When things get intense, have a simple routine like: doing Wudu’, praying two rak’ahs, stretching, or even just sitting in quiet and doing dhikr (subhanAllah, alhamdulillah, Allahu Akbar) slowly and meaningfully. You can also explore Muslim youth groups or online communities that offer support and understanding. Many others feel the same way and are looking for connection too.
You already said something beautiful: “I want a good life. I want to be financially stable.” That’s not just a wish that’s a plan in disguise. Use that as your why to keep going. Your worth is not defined by your family’s treatment. Islam teaches us that we are honored by Allah simply because we are His creation.“ We have certainly honored the children of Adam…” (Qur’an 17:70).
Your value is not tied to how your parents treat you or what your sister says. You are worthy, loved, and enough just as you are. You are not weak. You are surviving in a very difficult situation with courage and dignity. That is strength. You can do it, in Shaa Allah.
Warm Regards,
From your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
Response from your friend at Stones to Bridges:
Salaam dear sister,
What a powerful and passionate post you wrote! It was very courageous of you to reach out for help, and I wanted to acknowledge that. I can feel the exhaustion from your heart and mind as you poured out your feelings and thoughts in your post. These emotions are a lot for a young person to carry, but I want you to know that you are not alone. Many of us experience difficulties in the family at different levels. Often, our family problems can feel extremely suffocating, as you mentioned, because we are constantly in that negative environment.
Is there any way that you can separate yourself, even if it is only for a bit? Engaging in hobbies and interests or even spending some time with friends may help you alleviate some of the immense heartache you are feeling. I want you to know too, my sweet sister, that your parent’s problems are not your problems to solve. I know it can be hard as you just want the negativity in your house to stop. You want to live in peace, in a home with a loving family.
It touched me when you stated in your post that you want to have your own house where no one is in a bad mood. It is completely understandable, and I pray that insha’Allah, someday you will. I think that it feels like your house is always in a bad mood because your parents were not taught how to manage conflict and emotions growing up. Unfortunately, this can be quite common, and I especially felt this when you mentioned how your parents would be understanding towards you for a bit, but then switch to making you feel bad about yourself. They may have been taught growing up to move past things quickly. Your parents do not have the skills right now, and they may also not have the mental capacity to slow things down and understand from your perspective. If they are handling a lot of stress due to finances, their mental capacity is likely at its maximum.
If you need to speak with your parents about how you are feeling, try to find a time when it is private, and you both feel at ease. You may even feel more comfortable to speak with one parent first. I know this is hard, and my heart goes out to you my dear sister.
May Allah heal your family, allowing you all to overcome the intensity that is filling your home and bless you with a peaceful, loving and faith-filled future home, ameen.
All the best,
Your Sister in Faith,
Peer Support Volunteer NL
Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful: https://www.stonestobridges.org/2020/04/26/toxic-family-situation/ https://www.stonestobridges.org/2020/02/10/im-thinking-about-self-harm-at-this-point/
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