I’m slipping…

Dear Fatima, For reference: https://www.stonestobridges.org/2024/09/18/conflicted-on-naseeb/
I want to talk about something that I struggled with last year and am dealing with the consequences of now. I have always been a good girl, if I say so myself. Not perfect, but I always try to do what’s right and am quite firm on it. I believe the link I listed, where I share some struggles previously, is a good and essential way to preface this.
Because of this long, harrowing search for a suitor, all the constant conversations in my life about marriage talks and all that I have been subjected to as a result, turned me into a perpetually frustrated, beaten down, worn out girl on the inside. I am 25 now. By our Loving and Caring Master’s grace, Alhamdullilah I have everything I ever prayed for and have no complaints. Except in the area of marriage and starting a family. I always aspired to marry the love of my life upon finding him and starting a family and InshaAllah living a contented, happy life together. But that is where I am tested the most. Oh what my heart has had to bear, what tears my eyes had to shed, and what kind of things I had to hear because I am aging, I am being difficult, I am running out of time and options, and I am not bringing myself to like any proposals and suitors. My parents are extremely frustrated with me. But oh I beg you to please not get me wrong- I am not intentionally being difficult, nor am I trying to be picky. In complete honesty, the suitors or proposals that came my way- I just didn’t feel attracted or resonated with enough to proceed let alone spend the rest of my life with. I beat myself up about it all the time, I even begged Allah to change my heart and make me easier but here I am.
There’s that.
Here is where I started slipping. Last year, at a family friend’s Eid gatherting, I came across a young man. Only thing is that he is 1.5 years younger than me and didn’t pursue higher education because he didn’t feel like it. Despite those 2 major criteria fails, for some reason, I felt this quiet gravitation towards him. I thought it was just passing thoughts and I paid no mind. But that feeling didn’t stop. I felt it from him too. One thing led to another, we became friends, we would text all the time, we would call all the time, and suddenly we developed feelings for each other. I have never felt this deeply for anyone ever before. I also never met anyone who loved me so much and was so good at heart. But one thing he and I both knew from the beginning- our parents wouldn’t approve of this and it can’t proceed or ever end in marriage. Unfortunate, but true. And we had established an understanding from the start. But we didn’t stop, we kept growing. Our bond only got deeper, and we became best friends. We had such a true connection and true connection and had pure love for each other. We felt like soulmates. Sometimes I would quietly cry wondering how I had been searching for this kind of man and this kind of feeling forever- and now that I do, it something that can’t be. I knew better, but didn’t do better. I was never the type to indulge in interactions with men or date or talk casually let alone have relationships- but after all this time and just being on my own forever, after all this search for a suitable partner- I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be cared for and looked after. I wanted the company of someone who understood me so well, got my sense of humor and shared laughs with me, made me feel seen and just was my kinda guy. Someone so kind, loving and faithful to me. Someone supporting me through the ups and downs of life (including the difficulties of marriage talks and my time running out from my family) and just always there for me in my corner, as my ally, as my true friend. He was just my kinda guy. In the back of both of our minds, especially mine, I knew it was going to have to end one day because we are simply not endgame. We had accepted that and decided to just let it run its course and gracefully exit when that time comes. This used to stress me because I recognized that without active intention- this wouldn’t end. It was too good, it wouldn’t just end. I used to worry about it and stress- for several reasons- firstly that I was doing something wrong, I was never this kind of girl so how could I get into such a thing. That this was bound to hurt him, because he loved me deeply and I would have to leave him. That my time is running out, I am getting older, and I have to get serious and be in a state where I can find and embrace the one when I find him, the one I always saw myself wanting as a partner, the one my family would accept and would fit me and my life. I just never knew in my life that I would meet someone randomly who would completely throw me off-course in that sense. Because I myself always desired someone at least my age if not older, and educated, since I have pursued more than college (it is quite central to me and my family since we all come from academic backgrounds). I knew the more time that passed, the longer that we were together- it would only get tougher. And on the other hand my (and his) weakness was what we had together. In this tough lonely life, our togetherness meant the world to us. Admittedly, it meant the world to me too. I know it shouldn’t have happened when I knew there isn’t a possibility there, but I also can’t imagine a world without him. I never knew men like him exist, and that I can be loved so truly, and that all that I was asking for in a man wasn’t me being delusional. I was struggling mentally and emotionally the years prior and leading up to this- and having him in my life was a blessing because he kept my emotionally safety, my joy and my sanity in tact when I was hanging my a thread even right before him. But such is life. Complex. About 7 months of togetherness in, I go on a long trip to my homeland. While there, I was very immersed in life there and couldn’t give him much time over the phone. And while I was away, frankly, I started feeling some emotional shifts. I think being apart and in a new environment, changed me. I was back home around friends getting married, and it struck me that I need to get serious. And on the other side of the world, he sensed these shifts. The few times I would manage to call him- I would ramble about how I need to get serious and marry as well. He knew what that meant- that it’s not with him- since we already had that established. A few days later, he initiates a breakup, citing that I keep referring to things that imply that I want something that he can’t have with me, and that he doesn’t feel prioritized by me anymore.
To this day, I don’t have complaints about his character and the love he has for me. But he was right- I did become aloof, I did have other things in mind. My love for him was so real, so heavy, but in that moment- I almost saw it as a cop out. I always worried about how to end something that is good, and as bad as this sounds- it felt easier that this was happening so I wanted to embrace it and not defy it. He noticed it too and felt upset by it, but I saw it as a move that I thought had both of our best interests at heart. For some reason, any pain didn’t sink in. But then here comes another twist. quite literally the next day, I hear from someone who saw me at a wedding of a friend earlier that week. He thought I was pretty and felt drawn to me, and got my contact from the bride who is a mutual. I knew of this young man, he had a good reputation and high character. And our mutual, who is also his close friend, is someone I trust and respect a lot- so a man she know I would consider a man I can give a try. I give him a chance, and it turns out great. He is very polite and well-mannered, smart, kind, I find him attractive, and our first meet up goes really well. As I get to know him I realize some things. I could sense he is wealthy, but when I got to know him, I realized he is extremely, extremely wealthy. Like, extremely. I found that intimidating. I come from a good family, but I wouldn’t say our families would be traditionally compatible in this sense. On the other hand, he is based in my homeland because his family is a business conglomerate there, and I am based in the US. As great as our interactions had been, I was aware of these factors and didn’t think too far ahead because of it. I said my goodbyes and flew back to the US when the time came. But throughout, he maintained contact, and even requested if we can keep talking and getting to know each other. I agreed, because ultimately, he was such a gentleman and had such good character and was religious. On top of that we had compatibility and chemistry. All of these is hard to find these days. We become long distance, he expresses serious intentions and tells his parents about me, I tell mine. I quite explicitly call out and discuss our differences and consider the reality- like us being long distance, our different social standings in the sense of who we are and our financial backgrounds. We are respected, educated, a good and known family, but no way near his. I don’t mean to make it a whole deal, don’t get me wrong, but you know in these cases, these factors tend to be very very important to families like his, so I wanted to call it out and say that hey, if this isn’t something they would prefer or approve, let’s not proceed. He confidently affirms that this is okay with his parents, and that he is not at all affected by the long distance issue. I also consider moving if/when we decide to marry. I tell my parents, and for the first time, they feel happy for me given that they were so worried about the future of my marriage. When we did our checks, we only heard good things and true praise for him. I felt happy too- he was so sweet, caring, put in so much effort and things were going so good. But of course, parts of me were still nervous. The distance, our family differences, these were still bridges that needed to be crossed when we get there. So I pray istikhara. I pray the first time, and I get light, positive feelings. And immediately after, only more positive and lovely things happen that favor our bond. I pray istikhara a second time a week or two later (I like to seek guidance every step of the way), and about 2 days later, I see a dream where this very sweet boy, switches up on me completely and is trying to leave me and get rid of me and it shocks me how much he changes so quickly and wants to leave me. I wake up and brush it off as a silly dream. I have continue have lovely, deep interactions with him, we only fall in deeper, we discuss and plan for our future and relationship and marriage timeline etc. Then one day he calls me and his tone shifts. My stomach sinks because I can immediately sense something is wrong. He starts talking about how his parents have certain doubts, how he now suddenly worries about the distance, me not being based in the location he is in, etc. It makes no sense to me- how is he 2 months later bringing up and questioning things I had brought up in the very beginning to gain clarity on because I did not want to proceed with something that wouldn’t line up or work, or be where I wasn’t wanted or appreciated it. No matter how he put it and what reasons he cited- I could understand the real reason was that his parents, who he not only abides by but also fears (they were a very typical business family where the sons must abide by their fathers and are daunted by their future responsibilities of taking over the business), basically told him he can’t have a future with a girl like me. They are far better off marrying daughters of family like theirs based where they are. Frankly, I can’t even blame them- given how difference their upbringings tend to me, I see how marrying those who are similar to you are practical, and also financially make sense for them. I had no greed for his wealth, but still, I guess I can see how that other plan works better for them. So 2.5 months in, something that looked so promising, ends. It came as a blow to my parents too. They had their hopes up, again not for the glory of marrying into wealth or anything, just that they thought their daughter was able to find a prospect, and they were happy that he was of good character. I was heartbroken and devastated too. So close, yet so far, yet again. My heart can only take so much. The other guy I was with right before heard I went into talking to someone so soon after ending with him, and he felt wronged by me as a result. I know I can argue that we had every understanding established, and that we were also broken up. But no, I want to take accountability- because when did I become such a mess? How did I become this girl? I wasn’t supposed to be like this? I have been so preoccupied with finding marriage for myself, for trying to maintain marriage and child bearing timelines in my life, especially now that I am 25 (crazy old age for a woman!!), that I become this messy, desperate and hopeless in my pursuits? Who am I? How did I become this version of myself that I am not so proud of? I’ve hurt people, I have fumbled my own life, my parents are disappointed, I am worried and I myself desire love and family myself. And not to be mention, society can be cruel to unmarried women who are only growing older. I know rambled for so long, had to get it out. And I am presenting such a specific and complex situation. But I really need some guidance, some hope, some direction. How do I pick myself up, renew myself, seek forgiveness and forgive myself- and have some hope again? What am I doing wrong?
I am feeling like a mess. I feel hopeless. I have no idea what’s ahead of me, what possibility there even is. I have had ups and downs. I have been humbled because I became something I never ever thought I would become. My heart is bruised and numb now. I pray to God, but unfortunately, I am wavering in tawakkul. I fear what I hope for, I will never find. I fear that God is upset with me. Dear Fatime, don’t get me wrong, I never meant to be this way, I was never one to move selfishly and thoughtlessly in this world- but here I am. I am struggling- to forgive myself, to have hope and faith, to cope with getting older and to assuage my parents and society. I don’t even know anything anymore.
Again, these last two men were lovely men, and I would say exemplary even. But I guess they are not meant for me. That much I guess I can accept, but what now? Where do I do? Where do I try. I know bearing patience is a quiet form of ibadah, but I am struggling with. I am struggling with all of this.

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