Sexual Desires

Assalamualaikum my dear Sister,

First, I want to acknowledge how heavy and isolating these feelings must be for you. Your openness in expressing these emotions is brave and an essential first step to processing them. It’s natural to feel conflicted when navigating such personal struggles within the framework of faith. Your love for Islam is evident, and your pain reflects the depth of your desire to align with your faith despite the challenges you’re facing.

Islam acknowledges that sexual desires are natural and part of being human. These feelings aren’t sinful in and of themselves. What Islam emphasizes is channeling these desires in ways that preserve emotional, physical, and societal well-being. The framework of saving intimacy for marriage isn’t meant to suppress humanity but to safeguard it. However, that doesn’t mean it’s easy—it’s a deeply personal struggle that requires immense strength and resilience. 

Think of it not as suppression but as self-control, a form of worship that connects you to Allah. While it feels suffocating now, every effort you make is valuable and seen by Allah. He knows your struggles and promises that those who strive for His sake will find ease.
Islam doesn’t advocate neglecting natural needs. It simply seeks balance by encouraging self-restraint and discipline in a way that benefits you spiritually and emotionally.

For example, the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said:”Whoever guarantees me what is between their lips and what is between their legs, I will guarantee them Paradise” (Bukhari). Islamic rules often seem restrictive, but they are rooted in safeguarding long-term well-being. While Western norms allow for unrestricted sexual freedom, this often leads to emotional wounds, health risks, and broken family structures.
While sexual intimacy is a form of rizq, rizq also encompasses patience, strength, and barakah (blessing) in the struggle. Allah’s timing is perfect, even when it feels unbearably slow. Your struggle now could be building resilience and preparing you for a time when you can fulfill these desires in a halal way.

It’s true that marriage isn’t perfect and doesn’t guarantee freedom from pain, but it provides a halal outlet for these desires while building a relationship on spiritual, emotional, and physical foundations. If marriage is an option for you now or soon, it might be worth exploring ways to make it happen, even if it feels daunting. If marriage feels like an option, you can consider talking to trusted family members, friends, or community members about helping you find a compatible spouse. Before committing, it’s crucial to discuss expectations, values, and long-term goals to minimize misunderstandings.

The love, care, and compassion that Islam emphasizes within marriage create a nurturing environment that not only addresses physical desires but also emotional and spiritual ones.
If it doesn’t work out, Islam provides compassionate options, like divorce, to protect your dignity and peace of mind.
While heartbreak, betrayal, and divorce can happen, Islam gives individuals tools to navigate these situations. If a marriage doesn’t work out, divorce is permissible and sometimes even necessary to protect emotional and spiritual well-being. This means that while marriage should be approached with sincerity, there is no shame or sin in ending a relationship that no longer serves its purpose.

Since fasting isn’t an option due to your eating disorder, consider other ways of channeling energy and soothing your mind. This might include increasing acts of worship that bring you peace, finding creative hobbies, or exercising. These outlets won’t replace your desires but can help reduce their intensity.

Allah has designed life as a test, and desires are part of that test. The Qur’an emphasizes patience and perseverance in such trials. For example, Allah says, “And We will surely test you with something of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives, and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient” (Qur’an, 2:155). Desires are included in these trials, but patience brings immense reward. Focus on the Rewards: The Prophet (peace be upon him) mentioned that Allah loves those who resist their desires for His sake. The patience you show now will lead to immense blessings, both in this life and the Hereafter. Instead of viewing abstinence as a punishment, try to see it as an act of strength. This doesn’t invalidate the difficulty of your struggle but reframes it as a challenge that shapes your character and deepens your connection to Allah. Remembered the story of Yusuf (AS), who resisted temptation despite immense pressure. His story highlights both the difficulty and the reward of staying firm. Allah honored his struggle and elevated his status in this world and the Hereafter.

Remember that Allah is more merciful than you can imagine. Your struggle isn’t a sign of failure but of striving toward Him, and that’s deeply valued in Islam. 

Allah already knows what’s in your heart, and He is Al-Rahman (The Most Merciful). Express your frustration, sadness, and exhaustion. There’s no need for formality. He listens to even the most unpolished cries.
Overcoming intense feelings doesn’t happen overnight. Focus on daily acts of self-care and spirituality, no matter how small, to help alleviate some of the pressure.

Sometimes, a trusted Islamic scholar or counselor can provide practical solutions tailored to your life. Sharing your feelings with other Muslimahs or trusted friends can be an option. You are not alone in this struggle, and hearing others’ Okay may provide comfort.

Finally, know that you are not alone. Struggling with desires is one of the greatest challenges for many Muslims, especially in environments where permissiveness is the norm. Your feelings don’t make you less pious—they are evidence of your humanity and your love for Allah. This struggle will refine your soul and bring you closer to Him…

In Shaa Allah. 

Sincerely,

Your Sister in Islam,

Fatima “MV”

Salaam my dear sister,
          
I find it truly admirable that one of the first things you wrote was about how you deeply love our beautiful faith. That already shows me that you have a genuine connection with Islam and not everyone can say the same. It may feel frustrating and exhausting to hear your fellow brothers and sisters in faith emphasize the importance of staying away from zina but I can assure you that although it may not feel like it, it really is for the best.

Marriage, as beautiful as it can be, is the building block for our society. The very first human relationship to exist was that of the husband and wife. Marriage is a sacred bond and so it is really important that we do our best to make sure that we respect the sacred nature of it.
By Allah telling us to stay away from zina, isn’t just about avoiding heartbreak, as you correctly mentioned that this does happen within marriages but when Allah wants us to fulfill His commandments, it is what is good for the individual and the society at large.
If we stop for a moment to really think and reflect on the nature of zina in our societies, we will be able to understand how it can be quite detrimental. Zina does not promote the mental well-being of the individual or the family system. Allah wants both of these to be maintained and protected and the propagation of free sex does not provide the same.

Islam also recognizes the natural inclination that one has to the opposite gender and marriage is supposed to be the healthy alternative to that.

I can see how important this is to you, and I would gently remind you that to maintain a healthy and thriving relationship it requires a lot more than just sexual satisfaction. A relationship is like a seed in that it needs time to grow. It has to be fostered and looked after, it requires patience, empathy, compassion, communication, commitment, among many other things. However, the best kind of relationship is when you put Allah at the forefront of it and through that you are able to find the blessing and tranquility that is supposed to be present.
If you feel ready for the responsibility and commitment that is needed in a marriage, I recommend that you begin the process, speak with your father/family and search within your community.

If you’re not quite there yet, try to work on your relationship with Allah and keep good company as well. Often the company that we keep can affect our behaviours, opinions and feelings and so it’s extremely important that we keep to those who encourage us to grow and blossom in our faith and as individuals.

I pray that this helps you and that Allah blesses you with a beautiful marriage that is grounded in faith, peace and love.

All the best,

Your sister in Faith