Difficulty in supporting my son through his anxiety 

Walaykumasalam dear parent, 

Alhamdulillah for all you do for your son. Helping our children as their guardians, care takers, teachers and unconditional advocates as they grow up is no easy task. 

I can already tell how much love and concern you have for your son. It sounds like there are two parts to this question, 1. that your son is struggling during an already difficult time of change and transition and 2. That you are concerned, as you should be, about this struggle. It is painful watching our children fight battles we both know and fully do not know about. 

It sounds like you have already identified what your son is struggling with. 
Anxiety and fear often go hand in hand through a combination of biological as well as psychosocial factors. Anxiety is often a constant fear response with our bodies constantly reactive with physical symptoms in response to fear, stress, and hyper-vigilance. 

One suggestion is connecting with your son one and one reminding him of what he is capable of and where his strengths lie. Often that validating support is the first step to making anyone feel less alone. From what it sounds like, you and your son are also both juggling fear in different ways. Your son is questioning his worth and esteem which is further challenged by bullying in school (we suggest getting the school involved if possible to investigate this further). You are rightfully afraid watching him struggle and wondering if he will get better. 

Both of your challenges calls to mind a scene from the Qur’an in Surah Taha when Musa (as) has connected with Allah (swt) in the valley of Tuwa.  After Allah (swt) tells him he has been chosen for a task, he is asked about his staff. Musa (as) was a blessed prophet and he was also a human being. When Allah (swt) asks him to throw down his staff which became a snake, Musa (as) was terrified. Allah (swt) immediately reassures him saying “Take it, and have no fear…” (20:21). The snake is symbolic of any of our fears which intertwine with anxiety. 

Allah (swt) responds in an awe-spiring way, by initially acknowledging Musa (as) is afraid. Allah (swt) validates that while he is allowed to be afraid in that moment, He also reassures and reminds him that the fear will pass by telling him not to be afraid for long. Here, we get divine permission to acknowledge that fear is terrifying when it emerges but it does not last. 

This is a link to an article that might be helpful for parenting an anxious child: https://childmind.org/article/10-tips-for-parenting-anxious-kids/

Last but not least, we always encourage seeking more professional help and resources. A therapist would be wonderful to connect with to discuss coping skills and other spaces for managing this anxiety. A psychiatrist may also be useful, if needed, for medication management. 

I hope you know that both you and your son are doing the best you can and may Allah (swt) bless you both and give you the strength to cross this challenge InshaAllah. 

Blessings, 

Sincerely,

Your Sister in Islam,

Fatima “FA”

Salaam dear brother/sister,
    May Allah reward you greatly for deciding to share your worries. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for you to see your child experiencing anxiety, low self-esteem and confidence. As a parent you only want to see the best for your child and want nothing more than to see them living happy and healthy lives. I am not a parent myself and so I cannot fully comprehend all the emotions you must be facing but if
I try to imagine from your son’s perspective, he really needs a space where he can feel comfortable and confident to open up about his difficulties. It is extremely important that at some level is able to feel this level of comfort at home. If you’re able to, try to find an optimal time and place to allow him to express himself freely. He may be going through a whirlwind of emotions and so it may be overwhelming experience for both you and him. He may need time to warm up to the idea of discussing his emotions but if it is possible and he is willing you could also try to seek out a counsellor.

The most important thing is for you to exercise love and patience with him as your son is growing up in very different times to when you were growing up. I understand this may be extremely challenging but know that when you do so, Allah sees your effort and none of your effort will go to waste.

I pray Allah strengthens your son and allows him to develop into a flourishing and healthy young Muslim man and allows your family to become stronger and united together both in this life and in Jannah Firdous, ameen

All the best,

Your sister in Faith