Relationships
My only friend who has really been with me always lives abroad and I have never met her. Then I have two friends who I don’t see who do agree with me and stuff but they are I guess not super enthusiastic if it’s anything remotely risky and I feel like they don’t completely GET it.
As for everyone else… I feel frustrated and angry with everyone. It’s like no one is a proper human I can be friends with. I got into trouble at school for supporting Palestine, and my ‘friends’ did not help me when I was doing the supporting part. I asked for their help so it would be strength in numbers, but they said no. One girl said she doesn’t want to get suspended but then encouraged me to take all the risks possible. And then I didn’t want to partake in some music thing that also contained lyrics that said disgusting falsehoods about God, and I wanted to tell my teacher, but we were in a big room and I was scared to go by myself, so I asked a Muslim to come with me. I told her what all the evil words in the song were, and she looked horrified by them, but then when I asked her to come with me, she basically called me an extremist for being so bothered when the song literally said we are the family of God (Astaghfirullah) and made up things that He had done. And she said she doesn’t know anything about music, women singing in the presence of men, etc. being haram in like a really dismissive way, like she didn’t WANT to be educated. I actually feel disgusted by myself for not going to the teacher on my own; please pray for me to become more courageous in these things. I didn’t sing/dance, I stood with my head down, but I still shouldn’t have even been in the video and I do feel bad. But anyway, in both of those situations, I told my mum everything, and she said I need to be understanding of these people and that people probably hate me, too? That they hate me for expressing these views like this? And she accused me of being aggressive and forceful with these people, when she wasn’t even there and she doesn’t even know what happened. She keeps taking their side and assuming the worst of me. And I basically have no support in my ‘real life’ (like my penpal is great, but she cannot BE THERE with me in those situations) and I have nobody to talk to about that lack of support. When I am doing the right thing, I know I am. And my mum tells me that I shouldn’t be sensitive and not want to be friends with these people just because of that, and that I will have no friends if I am forceful and stuff, even though I wasn’t. She just assumes the worst. And she says I will never be able to become a politician (my dream, because I want to help people and fix things in the world) because everyone will hate me. But I need to be brave and strong and speak to be a politician. And I don’t need friends for that, I need allies and supporters, so people who have my views and civilians who will listen to my speeches. Completely different to my peers. But she keeps attacking me. And now I also feel like I have no friends either. Like they are Muslim, but they are still acting like they want to be bad influences on me (saying they won’t come with me to pray cos they’re still ‘young’ (17) and stuff). I just don’t really know what to do anymore. And I don’t know if I’m the problem because I have problems with everyone. But I don’t think I am. And I don’t know how to continue my life without putting myself into these situations where I trust and become fond of people and then they basically leave me when I need them. Even my mum. I guess I just don’t want to form any relationships anymore, but when someone seems nice, I automatically start becoming friends with them, and I forget how every other time it hasn’t worked and every other time I promised myself I wouldn’t put myself in that situation again. And I’m also scared of more in the future if I ever want to get married, how will that work? Because I do want to marry someone nice and lovely who will be kind and gentle and caring with me (everything I feel like my parents have not done), but how will I ever be able to trust literally some random guy so much that I just essentially sign my life over to him? We get a couple of marriage interviews and then I have to trust him to look after me and love me and be good to me when my actual friends and family don’t do these things? I don’t know what to do, with friendships, with my family, with potentially getting married. I don’t know what to do with anything. I want to just cut all people off, but… I like talking with people about things I care about and I do WANT to get married one day.”
Response from a “Fatima” Counselor:
Assalamualaikum dear Sister
I can understand what you are going through, it’s a challenging time, when you feel isolated, unsupported, and misunderstood in your relationships…
It’s okay to feel frustrated, lonely, or disappointed when people don’t meet your expectations. These feelings are valid.
Recognize that everyone, including yourself, is growing and learning. Your passion and desire to do what’s right are strengths, not flaws. People have varying levels of comfort and courage when it comes to standing up for causes. While it’s disappointing when friends don’t join you, it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care—they might express their support in quieter ways or struggle with their fears. It’s helpful to accept that not all friendships will align perfectly with your values. Look for friends who share your core beliefs, but also learn to appreciate the diversity in how people show up in your life. Try to Find Inner Strength by building Courage. It’s okay to feel scared in the moment. Courage is not the absence of fear but the willingness to act despite it. Begin small steps to build confidence in standing up for what’s right, such as approaching a teacher after class rather than in a public setting. Be kind to yourself about moments where you feel you didn’t meet your expectations. Reflect on what you can learn and how you might approach things differently next time without harshly judging yourself.
Understand Your Mother’s Perspective. Your mother’s comments might come from concern for your safety and well-being. Parents often want to protect their children from social rejection or hardship, even if their words don’t feel supportive. Let her know you appreciate her advice but also need her to believe in your intentions. A calm and respectful conversation with your mother could help bridge understanding. Focus your energy on causes where you can make the most impact without exhausting yourself. Engage in activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Whether it’s reading, journaling, or spending time in nature, taking care of your emotional health is essential to staying resilient. Make du’a for courage and guidance. For example, recite the dua of the Prophet Musa (peace be upon him): “My Lord, expand for me my chest [with assurance], ease for me my task, and untie the knot from my tongue that they may understand my speech”
(Qur’an 20: 25 to 28)
About Marriage: trust is built over time and through observing a potential spouse’s character, religious practice, and kindness. Islam encourages thorough consideration and involvement of trustworthy family or community members in this process. Instead of worrying about future trust issues, focus on personal growth and developing a strong relationship with Allah. When the time for marriage comes, seek guidance through
prayer (Istikhara) and consult family or community elders. Your dream of becoming a politician shows your desire to make a difference. Use these experiences to develop skills like public speaking. It’s easy to feel like the problem lies with you when relationships repeatedly disappoint, but that’s not necessarily true. Use these experiences as learning opportunities to better understand the types of relationships that work for you.
People are complex and often act based on their fears, insecurities, or limitations, While it’s frustrating, recognizing this can help you approach others with greater understanding and reduce the emotional toll on yourself. Not every friendship will last forever, and that’s okay. Some people are in your life for specific seasons or purposes. Focus on maintaining meaningful connections with those who consistently show care and respect.
Moving Forward, You don’t need to shut yourself o? from relationships entirely. Instead, approach new connections with cautious optimism. Take your time to build trust. You have a strong moral compass and a desire to make a positive impact. By balancing your passion with patience and self-care, you can navigate these challenges while staying true to yourself.
While your pen pal is a source of comfort, it may also help to connect with a local or online Muslim youth group, Islamic teacher, or counselor. These spaces can provide understanding and shared experiences. If you feel overwhelmed, seeking advice from a trusted mentor, family friend, or Imam could over fresh perspectives. Your passion and sense of justice are valuable traits, but learning to navigate human imperfection with compassion and patience will help you grow. Continue striving for what’s right, but remember that success often lies in consistency, humility, and kindness. Most importantly, trust in Allah’s plan and timing. May Allah ease your difficulties and grant you strength.
Warm Regards,
Sincerely,
Your Sister in Islam,
Fatima “MK”
Response from your friend at Stones to Bridges:
Salaam my dear sister,
I wanted to thank you for being brave enough to share your story. As I was reading through your post there was a common theme that I found, and it really resonated with me. In our ever-changing and fast paced world, it can be difficult to find friends that hold similar values and beliefs. It is truly admirable that for someone as young as yourself, you are in search of these qualities in others. It may not be easy to find but I pray that as you age, insha’Allah, you will be able to make deeper and more quality connections as you meet new people.
It is a wonderful thing to read that you felt comfortable to talk with your mom. It seems from your post that perhaps your mom was trying to give you a deeper perspective on the issue. One thing I have learned from my own experience in life is that our parents are able to see us in ways that maybe sometimes we can’t see. She may have had a hard time putting it into words, but I do believe that your mom wants the best for you and to see you flourish as a young woman. One of the most challenging things we can do in life is mix and mingle with others, but it is important that we develop the resilience to persevere through their difficult behaviours, words and actions.
It is okay to give yourself space from time to time for your own mental well-being but especially when it comes to our close relatives we need to learn how to navigate this balance of allowing ourselves space and spending time with them. I completely understand your feeling of wanting to cut everyone off as it sounds that you have been carrying a lot of emotional weight and you’re wanting to let it go.
If it helps, try to see if you’re able to attend a Friday prayer at your local masjid or one close by. Or try to see out Islamic organizations in your area that hold special events, you may be able to meet new people/make friends through them.
I pray that Allah bless you with wonderful friends and a future spouse who will be your companions here and in Jannah Firdous, ameen.
All the best,
Your Sister in Faith
Please refer to this link for a “Fatima” counselor’s combined response included in your second post submission: https://www.stonestobridges.org/2024/12/07/female-friendships-just-dont-work/
Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful: https://www.stonestobridges.org/tag/friendships/
