Conflicted on “naseeb”?

Dear Fatima,

I feel that I am at a pivotal stage in life right now, but I am so conflicted.

I am a 24-year-old woman, turning 25 in about 4-5 months. Finding the right partner and getting married (and eventually planning a family) are high on my list of priorities. In fact, these have been important to me for the past two years, as I was finishing school and beginning my career (which is all set now, Alhamdulillah). However, this journey of searching for the right match has been challenging, harrowing, and very stressful. It continues to be so.

I know Allah SWT is the Best of Planners and that everything will go according to His plans, which is what I want. But Allah says to tie your camel first and then rely on Him, which is what I am trying to do. I have been open to the suitors my parents introduce or whom others have tried to set me up with. I try to keep an open heart, mind, and eye to potential matches on my own. I also ask friends, trusted family, and community members to keep an eye out for me. But I haven’t had much luck. This is where things get difficult for me.

To preface this, I have always deeply felt that Allah made this heart of mine for sincere and true love. I do not mean this in a fairytale way; I just know I am the kind of person for whom a deep connection and personality match is important. It has never wavered. I grew up tirelessly praying to Allah to keep me flexible and to make it easy for my heart to embrace what He thinks is best for me, but nothing has changed.

I have come across all kinds of suitors—some who don’t proceed with me and some I don’t proceed with, some who are very interested in pursuing me, but to stay honest, I must admit I don’t feel the connection is mutual, so I have to end it. This has been an ongoing cycle, and it’s been more than a handful of suitors—all to no avail. I even reluctantly joined Muslim dating apps with as open a mind as I could manage, even though I absolutely do not resonate with dating apps. Again, not much luck there. It has been 2-3 years of searching, both actively and passively, and it’s been more than a handful of guys by now.

My mom’s frustration with me is growing. She points out that I am aging and, unfortunately, with the nature of life, I won’t be as desirable on the market as I grow older. It will only get harder to find someone for me, let alone the “soulmate” that I am waiting for. I completely understand her points and agree to some extent. But what do I do? I can’t just compromise the honesty of my feelings when I don’t feel that mutual interest and connection. I feel guilty about it, but admittedly, I just can’t avoid that truth.

I have met young men who are nice, with good jobs and values—qualities that are undeniably important—but I have learned how non-negotiable that connection and mutual interest are to me. Am I wrong to believe that a base level of attraction (encompassing physical, intellectual, emotional, and character values) is non-negotiable? I am not looking for some hunk who is also rich, successful, loyal, committed, kind, and faithful, etc. I simply mean that I am not for someone perfect; I am just looking for someone who feels just right.

These connections don’t happen at first sight or overnight. I recognize that sometimes you feel a base level of attraction and then build on it, and sometimes you have to try and build it. But even when I haven’t felt that initial recognition with a soul, I have tried taking time, talking, and trying to build a meaningful and effective connection. Unfortunately, it does not withstand the test of time. I start feeling exhausted pretending to overlook the fact that we don’t have that connection I envision for myself and know that my heart needs, and I truthfully am unable to reciprocate interest the way they do in me. And I feel like a bad person for that, and I feel guilty—especially knowing that we live in a society where good men who seek commitment can be hard to find.

Allah guides us to make dua because He wants to give us what we ask for or something better. Allah plants it in our hearts. That is how I have always felt about it. This need for connection was not something I necessarily made up for myself, but in my journey of faith and growing in my practice, it almost felt as if Allah made me this way over time. But then again, Allah does not promise us our “soulmates” in this life either. I have tried everything. I have made sincere duas for years, I have tried Tahajjud, Istikhara, Istighfar, talking to Allah every day, asking Him to change my heart and my thinking if I am wrong for valuing that sense of connection so much. I haven’t gotten any clarity on it, because after all that, my stance hasn’t changed. Rather, I find myself firm in my belief that Allah has indeed kept something for me that will feel just right (not perfect, but right). Am I delusional for believing that? My mom thinks I am. She says I should understand that no one can be everything I want and that I should find someone who ticks some boxes like family background, character, job, and values, and just work with them to make them someone I like and feel attracted to. I can see reason in that, but it is easier said than done. Again, I am not looking for someone perfect who has everything I can dream of; I want something that I will know in my heart is true and right. Any relationship will require effort and compromise. Also, trying to mold and change people into something you like can lead to disappointment for both parties. At one point, the person can’t keep up with all the ways they need to change, and the other person realizes that someone can’t change so much. Every couple has to tweak some things about themselves over time to get along better, but changing many aspects of a person just so that you can like them seems impractical and unfair. The path of life only gets steeper; I believe it is important to have the right partner alongside you—someone you love, respect, and truly desire, and vice versa—to face the highs and lows of life together.

I don’t want to be in a situation where, out of some kind of misguided desire to just find someone and “settle,” I deliberately overlook any truths or honest feelings just to make something happen, and then I can’t keep up with that performance anymore. I don’t want to end up not liking the situation I’m in. When that happens, you realize you are in a relationship where you are not truly known and that you are just performing all the time. That is not sustainable, and it is certainly not very satisfying. While decisions should not be based on feelings alone, authentic feelings are so important.

So what is the deal? Am I being “too picky” because I cannot bring myself to overlook the connection and a base level of true attraction? Am I not trying hard enough to give people chances to see if things grow into something more (without wasting anyone’s time)? Am I right to stay aligned with what my heart has been telling me so far? Am I wrong? Is it bad that I admit I don’t find some suitors attractive, but as a woman, I am expected to compromise because I am a woman (even though, in our religion, a woman has the right to say no to a proposal)? Or am I simply failing to observe sabr and see what Allah brings along (because I do feel a growing sense of desperation to settle down soon due to my parents’ concerns and my age, etc.)? I feel so heavy carrying this; I feel worry and anxiety about my future, and I also don’t want to be in a position where I disappoint others. I have been very careful and mindful in my interactions with suitors, but even a polite “no” can hurt someone’s feelings, and I never want to be the cause of someone else’s hurt.

I know I am sharing complex emotions here, but some guiding words of advice would help me a lot.

Response from a “Fatima counselor”:

Response from a friend at Stones to Bridges:

Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful: https://www.stonestobridges.org/tag/marriage/