Extreme grief in life

Assalamualaikum,

My beloved sister, I can feel how much pain you’re in. You have been through so much at such a young age. Your dreams are tied around your neck like a weight, because these dreams are tied to so many symbols around your own self worth.
I want to begin by saying that you are worthy of love. You are worthy of being seen, of being protected, of being invested into. You are worthy of acceptance and care even if you never become a doctor, even if you are never able to make a lot of money, because you are a precious soul created by Allah.

I want to start by observing a few things based on what you have written in order to expand your awareness of yourself.
You’ve been severely neglected and alone for a very long time. This is traumatic for a child even if the parents didn’t intend or want for this to happen, even if the parents feel deep love for their child. A child fundamentally needs attention and love without having to prove that they’re worthy of it. A child needs attunement from the parents and deep acceptance as the trait that informs parental guidance.

From what you’ve written, it seems like you feel the need to prove to your parents that you’re worthy of love. For example, you wrote that you’re worried that your mother will “waste” money on you, and that you’re a burden or fear becoming a burden if you don’t achieve a specific outcome.

A parent must know and understand that when they bring a child into the world, they are forever bound to the rights of this child. It is your right as your mother’s child for her to care for you in whatever way is within her capacity. Not a penny spent from a parent to a child is ever a “waste.” There will always be risk when we put forth money in new endeavors that don’t have a promised outcome, and your mom believes it’s well worth that risk. It is a virtuous deed in the eyes of Allah for your mom to invest in you. I can imagine that if you asked your mom if she ever thinks it’s a waste of her money to spend it on her child, she will probably say it is not. You wrote yourself that she worked as hard as she did to financially provide for you and your brother because your father didn’t financially help. Your mom wouldn’t do this if she thought it was a waste.

It is possible that you see it as a waste because you’ve grown accustomed to being neglected, so when resources are poured into you it feels deeply uncomfortable for you. You feel like you don’t deserve it or that you haven’t proven that you’re worthy of it.
I want you to be radically honest with yourself and ask: “is there any part of me that feels like becoming a doctor is the primary way to win the approval and acceptance from my parents that I have always craved as a child?” It doesn’t mean that you can’t have multiple intentions, like financially bringing ease to your mom, but if approval is your primary reason for becoming a doctor, then the weight of this dream being fulfilled will become that much heavier, because it’s tied to a fundamental need you have from your parents. This will make the closed doors that you’re experiencing that much more stressful, which will send you into a loop of anxiety because your well being is now dependent on a very specific outcome.

It is so crucial to know that your acceptance as a child should never be tied to your career. As long as you are doing your best and striving to grow, that alone should be enough for a parent to feel pride, because the outcome is in the hands of Allah, not your hands.
It also appears that you believe that your relationship with Allah is transactional. In your rumination of why things aren’t going the way you want, you wondered to yourself if you’re being punished: you start to recount all the mistakes you’ve made, the shame you feel, the repentance you’ve made. Then you list all the good you have done (and continue to do) while wondering, where is my reward?

The reality is that Allah is not a trader who rewards and punishes because of transactions. Allah is a limitless being who is never in need of anything–neither our worship nor our repentance.
Worship and repentance are for *us.* Because we are in need of Allah.
We worship because this life can be so consuming that we forget to connect with Him. We repent because our forgetfulness can make us act in ways that are not aligned with the fitrah of our righteous souls.
At the end of the day, the difficulties that happen to us can be a punishment or a blessing depending on how we choose to react to those hardships.

A hardship is a punishment if we react to it by forgetting Allah and becoming bitter and oppressive towards others.
A hardship is a blessing if it pushes us closer to Allah and we seek Him out in it, if we are open to using the hardship as an opportunity to expand our capacity to grow and to surrender.
I want you to think of all the closed doors that Allah has put your in the context of this quote from the Quran verse 2:216 which says, “But it is possible that you dislike a thing which is good for you, and that you love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knows, and you know not.”
You may truly believe with certainty that what you want is exactly what’s best for you and your future, but Allah is Ahkamul Hakimeen: the Wisest of the Wise. His discernment is informed by His limitless omniscience. He sees the unseen.

Right now all you can do is try your best, breathe, and let go of the results (because the results are not in your hands anyway). 
You have been neglecting your body and falling into despair. Ask Allah to help you, and when hardships come, remember and reflect upon the phrase “hasbiAllah wa nimal wakeel”: sufficient for me is Allah, and He is the best Disposer of Affairs. If you find it hard to be pleased with His Divine decree because you can’t understand it, ask Allah to help you with this, to bring ease into your heart and trust in His plan for you. 

Lastly, I want to bring to your attention that you may potentially be falling into despair of your own growth and potential. You seem to pathologize your social anxiety and trauma to a point where you feel broken beyond repair. I want you to know that social anxiety and trauma are explanations about why it’s harder for you to do certain things that others don’t struggle with as much, but it is NOT a life sentence. It doesn’t define you and your future. You absolutely can heal these things. You mentioned that when you were a child you weren’t like this. That is your fitrah and you can come back to that place. Seek out the help of Allah and get counseling if you have access to it. And if you don’t have access, don’t give up. There are plenty of free online resources about improving confidence and social anxiety if you do your research and keep holding onto hope for your healing.

May Allah increase you in nearness to Him, in radical self acceptance, in wisdom, and may He surround you with people who love and accept you deeply.

Sincerely,

Your Sister in Islam,

Fatima “YR”

Salam my dear, sweet sister,

 I can’t imagine how you must be feeling with all of the heavy stress and anxiety of the future and deep sorrow and regret of the past. As I read through your post, I can see that Allah has blessed you with the strength and ability to keep pushing through your challenges and difficulties, not everyone has this.

I am also very sorry to read of the abhorrent act you had to suffer through when you were younger, and it is completely understandable and justified for you to feel that justice was not served here. If I were in your shoes, I would be feeling the exact same way as there should have been more action done to ensure that this same thing does not happen to anyone else.

 I also wanted to say that I don’t think your mother is upset with you. My sweet sister, as you are well aware that our lives don’t always go the way we think or should and that is part of Allah’s Wisdom. You not being able to get into a certain school, the interview being cancelled, the Bangladeshi protests are not your fault. They are absolutely not your fault! Even if your mother is upset with the situation, it isn’t right for her to be upset with you. Did you try your best? It sounds to me from your post that you have been trying your best and that is all we can do in this dunya. All we have is our efforts and it sounds like you have put in an awful lot of effort, my sister. With Allah, is the results and whether you get something or not, in no way indicates that Allah is unhappy with you or that you have no reward. Think of the Pharoah at the time of Musa (AS) who lived a life of luxury, but his final home is in Hell. Allah gave him the dunya because that is all he wanted.

 This life is not one where we are supposed to get rewarded. Can it happen? Yes, sometimes but Allah tells us of his prophets and messengers in His Quran of where they had to deal with all kinds of heartache. Think of Yunis (AS) why was his people saved but not Nuh (AS)? Nuh lived and preached much longer, wouldn’t only be fair that he could see the fruit of his labour? Allah’s plan was for everything to happen the way it did. I truly sympathize with your statement of “why does nothing good happen to me”, in fact this same statement I have heard from a few of my loved ones recently. There are good things that happen to us but as human beings we tend to focus on the negative and ignore all of the positives. I do not blame you, as we are all guilty of it- myself included. I know it can be difficult but try to come up with some things that you are thankful for. You could keep a little journal by your bed and start your morning off by writing down a couple of things.

 Lastly, I wanted to say that MashaAllah sister, it is wonderful to read your enthusiasm for trying to practice Islam, but I would like to remind you that it is really important that we don’t overburden ourselves. Allah wants to see us do good deeds to the best of our ability, which means we should prioritize quality over quantity. As our Messenger (SAW) said: “Take up good deeds only as much as you are able, for the best deeds are those done regularly even if they are few.” (Sunan Ibn Mājah 4240)

(https://www.abuaminaelias.com/dailyhadithonline/2015/09/14/best-deeds-regular-small/)

Another example is one of the wives of the prophet (SAW)- Juwairiyah who was sitting after the morning prayer until around it the dhuhr prayer. In this time she was praising and remembering Allah (amazing right?) when Allah’s Messenger (SAW) came back after he left early that morning, he asked if she had moved from that spot and she had not. Then we learn: “I recited four words three times after I had left you. If these are to be weighed against all you have recited since morning, these will be heavier”. (https://islammessageofpeace.wordpress.com/2014/06/05/morning-dhikr-taught-by-prophet-muhammad-peace-be-upon-him-to-his-wife-juwairiyah-bint-al-harith/)

These are the words we say during the morning remembrance and yet they were equal to what Juwairiyah (RA) was doing for hours after fajr! SubhanAllah, so from this we can see that just because we do a lot that doesn’t necessarily mean it is better. Allah has made some people better at fasting, some better at praying in the night, others give lot’s charity. Find what it is you think you can do best and start with that before adding more good deeds, otherwise it may become too much, and you could give it up altogether.

Don’t give up my sister, you may wish to become a doctor but perhaps Allah is showing you that there is a different path you can take. You are still very young and full of ability and talent, mashaAllah. We never know where our paths will lead us.

I pray this helps you and that Allah alleviates you of all the stress, heartache and sadness you have and blesses you with the best of this life and the next, raising you to the highest levels of His Jannah, ameen.

All the best,
Your Sister in Faith