How to deal with an exhausting family member?
I am 17 female living with my parents and siblings. For basically my whole life my father has been mentally chipping away at me, calling me names, invalidating my mental health issues, he yells often, and he is stubborn in that he refuses to apologize or take any accountability for what he does. Recently I’ve been going through a lot mentally and I think I may have some type of ocd, so I struggle a lot with my environment. (I also have misophonia) Becasue of this I have tried to remove myself as much as possible, but this just enraged my dad. He called be a sociopath and that I was antisocial, and that nobody would want to be around me if I was like this. I just cant take it anymore and I cant stand to be around anymore. If I try to avoid my family he punishes me. I love my mother but she doesn’t do anything about it, letting him treat me however he wants. I am too young and don’t have a job to move out, I don’t know what to do
Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Dear writer,
It’s hard to know exactly why God puts us in places and situations like this. In time, those reasons become more clear.
From what you describe, it’s likely your parents have lived through some trauma, or were raised by parents who have experienced trauma. I have such compassion for you and for the fact that you are in a situation where you need to be near your family and your family treats you in inappropriate ways. Since it sounds unlikely that your parents will change in the near future, it becomes really important for you to find a space where you feel seen, understood, and supported in a safe way. This could be a therapist, a school counselor, an older auntie in your community, this could be at an MSA, a masjid youth group, or a club focused on serving others. This person or group of people will be your rock to provide you with some stability as you prepare for college. I hope that when you go to college you will be able to take additional steps in your healing journey, such as more consistent therapy, to heal from the feelings that you are describing.
Also you mention misophonia and OCD, if these are diagnoses that a professional has given you, they may be able to help educate your parents about what those disorders mean for your life. However, if those are labels that you have diagnosed for yourself, it’s important to talk with a professional because sometimes what we think is OCD or misophonia alone, might together be autism. The only way to know is talking out the symptoms and the internal experience of those symptoms with a clinical psychologist or psychiatrists who are familiar with the nuances of OCD, autism, and sensory processing disorders.
wa ‘alaykum salam,
Sincerely,
Your Sister in Islam,
Fatima “FM”
Response from your friend at Stones to Bridges:
Assalam alaykum sister!
I am sorry to read that you are finding yourself in a really difficult situation with your father. Navigating relationships with our parents can be extremely testing. You know your relationship with your father best. Is it a possibility for you to find a time to speak with him privately about some of the struggles you are currently experiencing? If not, you could perhaps speak with your mother, and she could act as an intermediary between you and your father. I would suggest as well that if you are able to, it would be great to seek out a therapist- if possible, someone who is grounded in Islamic values that would be able to understand your background a bit better. I pray that Allah makes your situation easy and allows you and your father to foster a healthier and closer relationship, ameen.
