Hiding from my wife and afraid of her not forgiving me

My wife and I just got married and it’s been 11 months. However, I have been secretly dealing with a nicotine/vaping addiction and it’s been extremely hard to quit. I am afraid to tell her for what she might say, and if our marriage will be in jeapordy. But I am also afraid that if I get over this addiction, and move on with our life. I am not sure that on the day of judgement, she will find out and will not be able to forgive me. And as a result, I will be punished in the grave and won’t enter Jannah. I am not the best Muslim, but I am sincere in my duas to Allah when I make them, and I continuously ask for his guidance. I am not sure where to go and I feel like I’m in limbo. It has affected me dramatically in that, I don’t even know if Allah is accepting my duas and prayers. I love my wife dearly and I have made steps to quit my addiction secretly and move it away from my life.

Assalaamu Alaikum,

I can empathize with your fears and worries in regards to telling your wife about your addictions. As scary as revealing your struggle might be, a relationship built on a foundation of mutual openness and trust is the healthiest and strongest of relationships. Your wife could even potentially assist you in the process of overcoming your addiction. With that said, however, depending on your wife’s context, perspective and history there are several different possibilities for how she may respond to your revelation. Some people value honesty above all and would feel betrayed and hurt if you continued to hide this information, while others value sobriety/being clean and would deeply appreciate your efforts in overcoming your addiction. There are several variables that can contribute to you wife’s reaction. I would highly recommend discussing this situation in couples therapy and perhaps letting your therapist know beforehand about your predicament. A therapist would help you sort through all of these factors as well as help facilitate this delicate conversation.

Regarding your fears around your dua’s being accepted, keep in mind Allah’s characteristic of being the most Merciful and the fact that He will accept your duas to the extent that you believe He will. With this mindset I would also encourage you to consider praying isthikhara on the matter if you have not already. May Allah make it easy for you to overcome your addiction, may he reward you for your efforts and help you make the best decision for your relationship. Ameen.  

Your Sister in Islam,

Afshana Haque, PhD, LMFT-S (Fatima V)

Marriage and Family Therapy Supervisor