Where does Child Abuse and Respecting One’s Parents in Islam Intermingle?

Aslamalakum wa rahmatuliallahi wa baraktuh dear counselor,

I am a Muslim female and I am 17 years of age.

I saw that a sister posted about her story concerning her mother abusing her and I wanted to share mine. Honestly, I don’t know where to start so excuse me if this ends up being too long. I was born and raised in the U.S. with two Arab parents and my parents had problems from the start – my dad was divorced and married my mom based on lies. He said he doesn’t sell alcohol and engage in haram yet he did, he said he would help her attend university here yet he gave her a hard time over years and years while she took care of my younger brother, me, and my older sister (all 4 years apart in order), and she would leave us home alone for my sister to take care of us as she homeschooled us. I remember a time when I was young and very happy – I was the type to get taken advantage of at school when my mom would finally let us go to school for half grades. However, I always witnessed my mom abusing us verbally and physically – there was always something to tick her off – and my dad was never there (is still never there), he was/is always away working to the degree of overworking as alhamdulilallah we have everything we need and more. Whenever he would try to come inbetween my mom’s decisions and abuse, she would tell him that he is not home to raise us so he has no say, and so everytime something would happen – even if he cannot find out what we did wrong and why mom is “right” – he would make up some b.s. lecture to give us to say that he said something. I love my dad, he’s calm and he works hard, but it’s really hard to have a dad that doesn’t care about his children’s wellbeing enough to stand up to his wife when she is wrong and on top of us feeling wronged and belittled, we get a lecture just so that he can avoid his wife belittling him. You would not believe the words that come out of her even when she is a Muslim and preaches Islam in every other area. Honestly my mom is two different people in one and as a psychology major (entered university early as a result of studying at a young age to get out of the house) I know it can cause a contradicting image to a child when their guardian is violent yet nice at times, it’s like you love them but hate them and don’t know what’s true and what’s not. Everyone says they love her and they tell me she’s the sweetest and my mom truly is but wallahi they don’t see her when she’s angry, when she uses God’s name to curse us, when she calls us words, and she hits us and she lunges at us when she loses it – when a person loses it due to their anger, you see it in their eyes – she’s just filled filled with hatred. Recently I started wearing the niqab and I love love my religion as I learned what it truly is but when something happens, for example, what happens a lot is that we will be joking and she will laughing and everything is fine (I make jokes like you can’t leave one thing in Islam and pick another, that’s being a part time Muslim!) I know it sounds rude but that’s how we joke – one day when I say it, it is all jokes and funny and the next day I say the same thing and she’s laughing then after a few seconds she starts cursing me and telling me that I pretend to be on the deen but do not obey my parents. She makes me fear that I am not a good Muslim when I never have bad intentions when talking to her and when I say something wrong – I will admit to it and apologize – even when I am not I will still try to apologize and talk to her when she is ignoring me for the sake of Allah but she takes our actions, abuses us with such such words and physical abuse (less now but a lot more when my sister was young and my brother gets it more) and says I’m pretending my deen, I wear the niqab yet I disobey her, etc. it has gotten so so bad in this house, I just really really don’t know how to express to you the level that it has gotten. When my brother was younger he was suicidal because my mom would curse at him and telling him to die because he did not listen, he is a rude kid, of course he is! He’s going through puberty and is learning! She has homeschooled him and he is lonely as my sister and I were when in his spot yet she hates it when she sees us on the phone talking to friends, texting friends, and everytime we meet a friend of ours (which she rarely approves of, even if they are all good Muslims or atleast Muslims that are trying that I influence for the better) which is only like once every 2 weeks or maybe even less – she will put it against us. She’ll say “you met your friend yet you can’t do this one thing I ask of you?”, like memorizing a page of Quran when I want to take my time learning and not just memorizing blindly. As for the physical abuse, when she started cursing me after we were joking with the family (separate occassion and my dad was even confused) I refused to sit down to read Quran with her and she attacked me, she bit me, she pulled my hair, etc. She’ll lunge at my brother when he doesn’t know an answer to a problem and call him stupid and tell him he doesn’t know anything even though he doesn’t because she homeschooled him and does not have the time to teach him! She has taken so many privileges away from us she does not know how to punish us. She tries to take away my phone but I only text a few friends a few times a day and use it for dua & alarm clock – then she goes on to the next, she tries to threaten me that psychology is making me crazy, she’s going to stop me from finish university, and I will go to medical school. When I ask her how, she cannot answer. At the end my sister just tells me to stay quiet to everything she says but even in the Quran it says to step up to injustice even if it is among relatives and parents – why is it okay for her to tell me I am faking in my deen because I do not know how to please her or what will set her off? Why is it okay that she threatens us with the only escape we have – education? Why is it okay that she curses us in God’s name? It is the most smallest thing that can change her – my sister was asking my dad something for her and my mom misheard her say she instead of we and she started calling her a shit and names. I honestly don’t know because how she reacts to what we do is wrong, a parent can be angry – everyone can be angry – but it is how we treat that anger. She uses curses against us and abuses us and makes us listen to the fights she constantly has with my dad and I lost my feelings of being affected. I feel bad for my siblings and I & she said she disowns me as a daughter today because I told her I won’t eat sh– and shut up when I asked her why she threw my play station down the stairs that my brother was using when he misbehaved – and she called me names when I answered if I charged her phone or not and replied 3 times but she could not hear me. I just want to leave this house and get married in a year inshallah as I have someone waiting on me but I just constantly doubt my actions – what if I’m disobeying God? – I try to mantain my words and not talk back but at the same time I want to tell her what she says is wrong because I’m afraid of God’s punishment on her yet she cusses and curses at me when I do so. So I try to keep quiet about that and talk to her normally when she’s in her sane state but then something sets her off and we’re in the same place and I’m doubting again. My mom is not always like this, she has her good moments and is so kind to those around her, yet I feel that I cannot stand her and I am useless where I am, I cannot do anything. I just want God to be happy with me knowing I try my best to be respectful but wallahi it’s hard talking to her sane side, the side we joke with and tell everything to, because then she’ll turn into someone else and I’ll start doubting that I caused that, that I should have been careful, that I disobeyed my parents, it’s just tiring. It is tiring wallahi.

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Assalamu ‘alaykum, 

It breaks my heart to know that your story and the story of the others who have posted on this topic is more common than we realize. It’s a story that we hear about throughout history as well. I am thinking about Ibrahim (as) as I write this this response. Perhaps his example will give us guidance.

Parents are people 🙂

I say this lightheartedly to remind us that though most of us wish that our own parents would be better in some way or we imagine “when I am a parent I am going to (insert fantasy of how we will be great)”, parents are people who are still growing, changing, and needing to take accountability for themselves. We can only hope (as humans) that we are a bit better each day in the eyes of Allah (swt) and towards those around us.

Often people become parents and then realize how much more growing they have to do — well we realize it only if we have the blessing of being self reflective.

So what does one do in a situation where parents are also the ones that hurt?

It’s a confusing situation because sometimes it feels safe and loving and then the next minute it’s unsafe and scary. It damages trust and what we expect out of relationships. 

We get asked the question over and over on this site about the status of parents in Islam how to understand that when a child is facing situations like the one you describe. The scholars have answered it in many different ways (see link).

The way I approach it is in the vein of Surah Quraysh which ends “So let them serve the Lord of this House (Ka’ba). Who feeds them against hunger and gives them security against fear.” I take this to mean that safety in one’s life is a basic need, and that Allah (swt) wants for us a basic sense of safety. It doesn’t mean that we will never be in danger but that our norm should be to build safety in our lives. Take the example of the early Muslims – they waited until it was possible (and they got the order from Allah) to migrate to Madina. They were in search of safety. 

But wait, we are supposed to respect our parents, we aren’t supposed to break the ties of kinship. Yes, these things are part of our deen, and Allah knows best in how we are to live out these principles. The way I work with my clients is to say that respect is about your behavior and your choices towards a person. That means to me that we work to understand and soothe the parts of ourselves that want to take revenge and to hurt back. Or the part of ourselves that reaches for the unhealthy ways to make ourselves feel better. This is where the story of Ibrahim (as) is so striking to me… we see in the Qur’an that over and over Ibrahim (as) makes du’a for his father. He (as) never tried to physically harm him, and he really seems to grieve for him. That is an amazing demonstration of rahmah (mercy). Yet, Ibrahim (as) also established safety by separating himself when it became clear that they weren’t able to safely live together. He also didn’t obey his father when it violated his responsibility to and relationship with Allah.

I know some of you are likely reading this and thinking… ok but the adults in these situations are not Muslim. That is true. I am not a scholar so I cannot comment fully, but the verse you speak of in your post about standing for justice even if it’s against yourself underlines our personal responsibility in front of Allah. I also know that we have to choose how we stand for justice. Often in situations where a child knows that the parent’s behavior is outside the boundaries of justice, the safest way to uphold justice is to know it in your heart.

Perhaps you are saying that doesn’t help me right now because I’m 12, 13, 14, 15, or a bit older and I can’t separate myself from them. Some people will find that they need to find an ally who can help them establish safety (think of those who provided the Rasul (saaws) protection when he was vulnerable). Others will find ways to survive until they are able to get help or to separate themselves (I’m thinking both of the early community of Muslims, the youth of the Cave, and even to some degree the wife of the Pharoah).

The biggest piece is to make choices based on our responsibility to and relationship with Allah. We do best when we find someone who can help us dig through our own pain and help is figure out what that looks like in our situation. That role is best filled (in my opinion) by a therapist, but can also in the short term be filled by a person of wisdom — whether that is a family member,  religious leader, or mentor. We just do our best, every day, to be a bit better than before. 

We will make mistakes. Many of them. Yet if we keep walking with our heart oriented towards promoting the good and forbidding the evil (firstly in ourselves and then, when safe, out in the world) we will find a way to slowly build the safety and the ideal community we crave.

I hope the above has something for you to use to navigate your situation. I figured we have been more practical in responses to other similar posts to yours, and this time perhaps speaking to a larger issue would complement the more practical suggestions we have given in the past. 

May Allah (swt) be with you and guide your actions so you can achieve safety and find ways to live wholeheartedly in service to Allah (swt).

Wa ‘alaykum salaam

Your sister in Islam

Fatima Z

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Respected Imam Zaid Shakir has also graciously offered a response: “The sister should try to find a relative or friend she and her siblings can live with until their mother gets help for her deep psychological issues, if the abuse is verified by an outside professional. No one should be exposed to that level of ongoing abuse.”

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Please also view Fatima’s response and other supportive comments on the related post: https://www.stonestobridges.org/2019/07/03/my-mother-physically-abused-me/