I dont know how to keep going..
Salaams, I am a 21-year-old female who has been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts ever since I can remember. Almost every day is a battle with myself to keep going. I try so hard to get over everything going on in my head. I have so many issues and I don’t know how to fix any of them. it gets worse in the summer. I am a victim of sexual abuse and that’s something I have always carried around with me. It makes it extremely hard for me to trust anyone. During the summer time, I have too much free time and my thoughts make me go crazy so I go and do stupid things like meet up with boys and do things sexually. At first, it was fine because I was doing these things in a relationship. But my on and off boyfriend (we wanted to get married) left me a few years back and we kept in contact but I’ve recently removed him from my life and now I find myself engaging in sexual activities with boys I have no feelings for. I feel guilty after but then I start feeling alone again and so I keep making the same mistakes. I don’t know what to do anymore.I just want to be happy, I don’t want to feel like this forever. I have so many bad coping mechanisms and they just make my problems worse. I don’t have a lot of friends I can be completely honest with about my life. I feel empty without a man showing me love or attention, I’m so scared I’m going to find myself way down the wrong path. please help me. I recently lost someone close to me due to suicide and I’m so very often afraid to be alone by myself because I don’t know what I’ll do if my thoughts take over.
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Assalaamu Alaikum Sister,
You are a strong and courageous young woman to have been battling such intense feelings by yourself and for so long. Depression and suicidal thoughts can be incredibly overwhelming, debilitating, and isolating to say the least. And the trauma of sexual abuse is so unfair, and something no one should ever have to experience; moreover, something that no one should have to carry around by herself. Thank you for taking the difficult first step toward healing by reaching out. You matter. You are valuable. You are worth it. All of the emotions you described are so incredibly complex that professionals dedicate their entire lives learning about them and figuring out how to manage and heal from them. You no longer have to try to “fix” them on your own. I hate to use the term “fix” because you are not broken. You have the option to seek help from a mental health professional (MHP) who will work with you to sort through your feelings of depression and suicide, and most importantly help you tap into your own inner strength and fortitude that has kept you going for this long. You are more than your dark thoughts, and you are more than the pain of your past and present. If medication is something you wish to try it can be an option. But if you would like to avoid medications there are also many other options such as neurofeedback, meditation & mindfulness, breathing techniques, EMDR, talk therapy, group therapy and more. You will never be forced to do anything you don’t want to by a professional.
As far as meeting up with boys and having sexual contact, it is completely understandable that you would be searching for human connection, when trying to deal with so much pain and loneliness. The relief brought by casual sexual encounters, however, is so short-lived. Furthermore, un-protected sex may lead to the transmission of sexually transmitted infections (STI’s) and/or unwanted pregnancies. An MHP can help you heal from the deep wounds inflicted by your past trauma and learn coping mechanisms that are not only healthy, but also work for you rather than hurt you or send you into a spiral of guilt.
Also, I am so sorry for the loss of your friend to suicide. The grief of losing someone close can be unbearable and also should not be something one has to deal with on her own. Isolation is a person’s worst enemy. If there is anyone at all that you can trust to at least guide you to appropriate resources, or help you make that first appointment that will be a huge help. As I mentioned before, depression can be debilitating and having a someone to accompany you in the process of seeking help can be life-saving. If you find yourself consumed by negative or dark thoughts, do not wait reach out to family or friends, an MHP or please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or contact the Crisis Text Line by texting Talk to 741-741. You are no longer alone.
Sincerely,
Your sister in Islam – Fatima “AH”
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Assalamu ‘alaykum,
I am sorry to hear that you are struggling this summer and that this is not something new.
Much of what you describe is unfortunately normal for survivors of sexual abuse. Often people report that sex and self worth get mixed up in such a way that they find themselves seeking sex to help themselves feel worthy or to get away from sad or scary feelings that haunt them. Yet, when we use something whether it’s sex or food or online shopping or video games or drugs or alcohol to change how we feel we risk that coping strategy to become an addiction… something that controls us and puts us in harm’s way.
These coping strategies often show up initially because they are trying to protect us. Sometimes it’s protect us from feeling vulnerable or to protect us from scary memories or to protect us from uncomfortable feelings. Unless we figure out the underlying reason why they show up to protect us, we won’t be able to choose to care for ourselves differently and in a more healthy way.
While you are looking for a counselor who fits your needs, I would encourage you to stay busy in healthy things – perhaps exercise, yoga, volunteering, reading. But please don’t just do that – please seek help from someone specialized in sexual abuse. You can heal, and you don’t have to live in what sounds like a very difficult place forever.
Wa ‘alaykum salaam,
Your sister in Islam – “Fatima FM”
Also be sure to check out the comment(s) below by your friends at Stones to Bridges, where, you’re not alone!
Zaina
Salam Sister,
What you are going through is immensely difficult and I admire you for coming so far. The struggles you are enduring is no easy task and, as much as we would like them to, they will not go away in a day. Finding your happiness is a process and a long one. That process though, once you are on the other side, is so worth it. That I can promise.
After what you have gone through, opening yourself up to someone will be hard; there may be some trial and error. I myself find it very hard to open up to people due to past experiences and I have learned that it is sometimes okay to be on your own. It will take some getting used to at first, but when you can find pleasure being by yourself, a lot of good will come from that. And when you do find that special friend whom you know you can go to for anything, it will all come together.
As for your current coping mechanisms, try finding a hobby, something that keeps your mind active, like drawing, reading or simply doing yoga. When ever you feel negative thoughts creeping up in your head, you can go and do something you like and pour your frustration or sadness into that instead of behaviors that may harm yourself. Being alone can be daunting, especially if you don’t know what you may end up doing, but this is why, I do believe that finding something you love can detract from those negative thoughts and may help inspire more positive ones. I suggest using the app “Calm Harm” to maybe help you during this process.
I hope your troubles go away and may Allah help you in your times of hardship. Please do not hesitate to reach out for professional help. This may be scary but thinking of the good and stability it may bring, it will be so worth it.
With love,
Your sister in Islam
Fareeda aghazai
Dear fatima,
21 years age and these pains!
I am feeling your pain because in this age nobody experiences the true colours of life yet,the happiness and sorrow and other shades because it’s too early .
You suffered from a painful life, but life is not to get stuck on one point. It’s about keep moving,searching for the righteous path and for changing the bad into best. Though one can never forget totally the bitterness of the past but ofcourse positivity makes life more easy than to stay in depression too long.
My dear try to do good things and make yourself busy with some charity work or something else for the betterment of humanity.
May Allah bless you with more courage to get out of this mental illness.
Take care of your self and help others
Your sister in Islam
Nada Elessawy
Salam,
I just wanted to start by telling you how powerful you really are. Your struggles and hardships have been with you for so long, and have had an impact on you, and yet, you have been capable of telling us what you are going through. That is something that, no matter the medium that it is done through, is an extremely courageous and fundamentally important step that you have taken.
In your post, you have demonstrated the desire and drive to overcoming your hardships. I truly believe that both your sincere desire to be happy and your ability to reach out will allow you to grow. What you have done is not easy, and it will help you immensely.
Like you said, Summer is a time when we all have too much time on our hands. But at the same time, that means that Summer is an opportunity to try and find out what we’re passionate about. I really think that finding something you love and immersing yourself into it is a healthy way to spend your time. So, my suggestion to you is experiment a little. Try different things and find something that sticks to you. You could find yourself completely attached to a really interesting novel, or find comfort in drawing, or pleasure in watching a great movie, or even find yourself addicted to baking. You could find joy in even the simplest of things, especially when they are done with the people you love.
Everyone here is concerned about you and your well-being, and we will do our best to assure you that you are not alone. No matter what you do or go through, we will all be here supporting you. You’ve mentioned not having many friends that you are close with, and that is normal. I, myself, am only completely honest with one or two people, but openly communicating with them as much as I can has helped me so much. As you’ve done a great job of doing here, I hope that you’ll also talk to those close friends, since they will support you and give you a sense of closeness, as well as an anchor. It’s also important to, if you can, seek professional help. If that seems too daunting or intimidating, bring someone you trust with you. Of course, if that’s too hard or simply impractical, continue to update us here. We are truly concerned with how you are doing, and will continue to support you. You are not alone.
Sincerely,
Your sister in Islam