Should I Take a Leap?
Dear Fatima,
I am an eighteen year old college freshman. I have gone astray from the path of Allah SWT in my high school years by dating and having relationships with men outside of my faith. I can’t exactly place why I did this. Maybe because I wanted and felt the need to be loved. Since I’ve realized that these men could not offer me what I need, I’ve made more strides to be an active Muslimah. I’ve joined my college’s MSA, volunteer when I can, and have made more efforts to study my faith through Hadith and Quran. I still need to work on making Salat though. As I’ve gotten into college, I have had little crushes here and there on Muslim guys. Recently, I became a member of my state’s MIST (Muslim Interscholastic Tournament) board. And I met a man who I am very attracted to for his good character and shared interests. He is on the board with me. My friends often joke about us being together but this also worries me. I do not want to fool myself into believing there is a connection when there might not be. I am very scared to hurt myself again. This situation is really bothering me because I genuinely have feelings for this person and feel the need to take some kind of action on it. If I do not I know I will be distracted and further plunging myself into frustration about not knowing if there is something. But I also know that timing is a key thing. Many of my friends have told me that I am young and should not worry and that Allah knows what is best. While I agree with the last part of that sentence, I strongly despise hearing that I am too young or naive despite what I have gone through emotionally. I am not a person who can sit back and let things happen to them. Everything that I have gained in my life I have relentlessly gone after whether it be internships, admission to college, or being part of an organization. But I know that the heart is a delicate subject. Another issue is that there is an age gap. He has graduated college and has a job where I am starting college and an intern. The age gap does not bother me but I don’t want to feel like he would treat me like a child because of my age and limited experience with life. If you or anyone has any advice on this subject, I would love to hear it. I would also appreciate not being told to love myself before loving another person. I have been told that countless times before. I do cherish my whole being and Allah SWT and want to continue to build that spiritual connection. I don’t think loving another person somehow lessens the love a person has for themselves or for God.
Sincerely,
Stressed and Confused
As Salaam Alaikum,You are certainly wise in your words and seem to understand yourself very well. I think it’s fantastic that you are working so hard on your faith and that you desire a better relationship with Allah Subhanah . Salat, like everything else in life, takes practice and time. InshaAllah with your motivation, it’ll come to you. The same way, a relationship takes time and work and when the time is right it will happen. This is not to say you shouldn’t make advances on your own. Do you know if the feelings are mutual? If not, tread carefully. You work together and it would be unprofessional to seek an intimate relationship with a coworker. However, if the feelings are mutual, perhaps talk to him about them. Ask him how he feels about the age gap, about moving forward with a relationship while working together. Communication is always important, but under the right circumstances. If you jump the gun and assume the feelings need to be shared, be ready for what can come, such as an unhealthy work environment. I tend to believe in love, with the trust of Allah Subhanah. I wish you luck in your relationship and I pray you continue to advance on your spiritual path.
Sincerely,
Your sister in Islam,Fatima “SD”
Anonymous
Wasalam. Thank you all for your heartening and thoughtful replies. I just wanted to clarify that me taking action would mean reaching out and saying I would want to get to know him for the intentions of marriage. To HA18, I have thought about this situation happening! I have had friends go through this exact issue unfortunately. Inshallah I hope that they are able to work through this situation with their spouses. That is why if I were to take any action at all, I would make my intentions clear that I do not intend to at most live with him until I finish college so neither of us have to deal with that frustration. I also do not want to worry my parents over such a proposition. I understand that family plays a large role in laying the foundation for a marriage. If the families do not agree, it is much harder for a relationship to blossom. I have not met his family yet but he knows my cousin who is in a similar circle of friends. My cousin and I are very close. He has been like an older brother to me. Of course I won’t really know until I ask him what he thinks. At the moment, I am unsure what his feelings are towards me. I know he cares about me but I don’t really know if it is romantic. If I ask for anything, he is quick to reply and help and is a very calming presence to be around in general. He also teases me in a friendly way but it is never to the point of crossing any boundaries. He seems like he is very strong in his deen from what I’ve seen and from what his friends say about him. I think I will continue to pray and think about this. I worry of being hasty in either decision.
Sincerely,
Stressed and Confused
HA18
Salaam sister! It’s wonderful that you are thinking so level-headed about this! MashAllah 🙂
From what you’re describing, it sounds like he at least likes you as a friend. It is hard to tell and mashAllah he sounds like a great guy! I know the situation is difficult especially because very strong and valid emotions are involved. If it helps at all I hope you can take comfort in knowing that you are doing a fantastic job of handling it.
Since both you and the guy are such good intentioned people mashAllah be certain that Allah will take care of you both and if Allah thinks he is someone who for the “future you” will also be good with, then Allah will make the path easy. This kind of stuff takes real patience which alhamdullilah you are blessed with. Keeping you in my duas sweetheart! Wishing you the best.
Anonymous
Wasalam. I talked to my mother about it recently (alhamdulillah we have an open relationship) and she said I should talk to him about it. I also recently had a dream where I talked to him after making dua to Allah SWT. I am unsure of how to do it though. I don’t see him much because I am in school and have another internship that I am doing. But she (my mother) said I should find out since I have good intentions and I am emotionally mature. I do plan to make it clear that I don’t want to live with him until I graduate inshallah. Any advice on how to approach this would be appreciated.
Anonymous
Salaam, it’s so awesome that you have such a great relationship with your mom, and nice that you had a dream after you made dua to Allah SWT.
I’m curious to hear HA18’s suggestion on how to approach the situation from a practical perspective. One thing that might help in the meantime is to pray istakhara (sq had provided a link on how to perform istakhara below). I have found that when I pray istakhara with sincerity and truly ask Allah in the istakhara that if this is good for me, then please ordain it for me, make it easy for me and bless me in it, alhmd the best approaches are presented and things fall into place more easily, and I feel more peaceful. Hope this helps you as well.
HA18
Wow! I am so happy alhamdulilah that you were able to talk about it with your mom and that you guys have a good relationship! That dream is also really interesting. InshAllah it signifies that no matter what the outcome, it will be best for you and if nothing else it shows that Allah definitely has your back.
So you don’t see him as much which will make approaching him about this in person more difficult, but on the plus side is good because it will give both of you distance to think. There are various ways to do this…I am going to recommend the one that minimizes the effects of any heartbreak. Traditionally for these things, we usually have a middle-man who would contact him on your behalf asking if he would be interested. This way would be the “safest” for you because the middle-man could find out if he is even interested in marriage in general right now in his life, and if he is, the person could recommend you as someone who is open to marriage. I personally would go with the middle-man because if he is at a point in his life where he does not feel ready for marriage then your friendship does not need to be jeopardized. I am not sure if there is a friend who you feel close with who he also knows and that this friend is someone pretty trustworthy and reputable (especially if they are older – like mid-20s+). If you have a friend like that, I would ask if they’d be willing to do it. If not a friend, if there is an adult who has been active in MIST and who you feel comfortable approaching, I would ask them. I say this because the person who asks need to be very careful with how they say it. First asking if he is even considering marriage, then only if he is, mentioning you as someone to consider.
If you do not feel comfortable with asking anyone, I would then send him a message asking things in the same order. If he says that he is not interested in marriage in general, but why are you asking?, I would say I was just asking for a friend.
Those are just some things to consider, and I know that you would be saying a white lie. From your post it sounds like he’s a cool and nice guy, but you never know how people react to certain situations they are presented with. I don’t want you to risk being in a position where he will be spreading things about you or thinking differently about you. You don’t deserve to put yourself in a situation like that where you would increase the hurt you would feel.
You know the situation the best of course, so if you think you’d be comfortable asking him yourself and you could handle any potential negative consequence – then go for it. Also, if you do not feel emotionally ready to even ask, then don’t. You are young and time is your friend. You will not miss what is meant for you and it is OK to feel OK with yourself that you have thought about this but do not feel comfortable approaching him about it right now. There is nothing wrong with waiting. Do what your heart feels comfortable with.
Good luck! <3
acharan
Salaam Dearest Sister,
MashaAllah, I commend you on so many of your efforts in determining what is best for you in regards to your deen and duniya. I wish I would have realized so much and worked to head my personal life, striving for the best in deen and duniya for myself at such a “young age”.
I really appreciate the comments both “Fatima” and the other commenters have made, and hope you find benefit in all of their comments. I just wanted to mention a few thoughts, but please remember, these are just my personal opinions as one perspective in your situation. I really agree with SQ about praying istakhara and making dua for Allah to guide you in whatever He deems best for you. InshaAllah, through alway making dua in every aspect of life, inshaAllah He will help you receive guidance from the best sources, have your own personal insight and help you towards your growth in the direction He deems best, whatever that may be.
I’m curious, when you mentioned you “feel the need to take some kind of action,” did you mean getting to know him better for the purpose of marriage, similar to what HA18 suggested? If so, again, I commend you, mashaAllah. I know that may sound very crazy and out of the norm in today’s society, but I commend you for thinking so maturely. Yes, of course, marriage is a huge step and requires a lot of growth, patience, hard work, etc, but if we are willing to work so hard at such a young age by investing in our education and careers, etc for worldly success, then isn’t it equally if not more important to also invest in our education and growth towards the future success of our marriage and family? Who says growing and investing in one can’t be done simultaneously as the other?
Now I’m not saying you go out and get married tomorrow; however, thinking seriously about identifying a partner who might be good spouse, trying to find out if that person might also be considering marriage in the near future, determining whether you are interested in one another and getting to know one another in a “halal way” for the purpose of marriage to determine if you share the same values, etc, are important.
What’s even more important is educating yourself on what it takes to have a good marriage, listening to good Islamic scholars on tips for healthy marriages and choosing the right partner (some I really like are Mufti Menk, Sh Faraz Rabbani, Sh Abdul Nasir Jangda, etc), reading books similar to the one HA18 suggested, etc are in my opinion excellent ways to invest in the future success of your married and family life inshaAllah. Of course, as you said, Allahu Aalim, Allah knows best!
As a matter of fact, I believe I heard some of the above mentioned scholars lectures a few years ago where in each case they reminded us (according to my notes) that you are getting married in order to seek the pleasure of Allah through upholding and developing good character. Your dealing with your spouse is in reality your dealing with Allah. The primary reason to choose a spouse should be the person’s deen. If I recall correctly, one of them might have even mentioned that if you find a good potential spouse with these above mentioned reasons/qualities, then you could even consider getting married in college (i.e. performing the nikkah), and then maybe once the husband is able to provide for and support you (of course, this doesn’t preclude you from completing your education, working and earning, but in many scholarly opinions, the woman’s earned income is her own and she is welcome to contribute / combine that income with her husband’s for their family, but it isn’t required of her), then you move in together after that. Feel free to comment on my comment if you are interested in any of these lectures, and I can try to find them and send you the link.
All this being said, I will say it is of utmost importance that you do focus on your own personal growth through all of this. Until and unless both partners in a marriage are not healthy and happy individuals (mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc) committed to lifelong personal growth, they will not have the necessary foundation to build a healthy marriage upon, and thereby put not only their marriage at risk but also the their potential children’s lives. Being healthy also includes staying focused on and excelling in your education, future career, personal growth, and all aspects of growth in deen and duniya.
Again, I truly commend you and feel you are blessed to have had Allah love you so much that He is helping you pull your life away from things that were not beneficial, and now are focusing on striving towards creating a better life for yourself in respect to your deen and duniya. We are all always just working to grow more in every aspect, whether it’s in our salah, our interactions with others, our connection with Allah, etc, and we all go up and down, throughout our lives, so inshaAllah as long as you care about yourself to head yourself in the best direction and keep growing, inshaAllah, Allah will help you continue growing.
Two things come to mind…1) Allah looks at your intentions, and 2) Allah says when my servant comes to me walking, I come to him running. I pray you always keep walking towards Him and He always continues running towards you!
Always remember, imaan is a lifelong journey so as long as you are always continuing your journey on the path towards nearness to and seeking the pleasure of Allah, inshaAllah you will see your life flourish in this world and the next.
I pray all the best for you in all your efforts.
Your sister in Islam 🙂
sq
Salaams Stressed & Confused,
I have to say, I really felt for you when reading your post. To echo what you said, the heart is a delicate subject, so I can imagine how much confusion and inner turmoil this situation is causing you. That being said, I’m not going to offer too much commentary because I feel like every situation is different. What each situation really calls for is introspection. My first recommendation in that step is to pray isthikara if you have not yet already done so. Just in case you’re not familiar with isthikara, it’s a special prayer you can make when faced with a decision and in need of guidance (more info on it can be found here: https://theislamicworkplace.com/2006/12/25/before-any-major-decision-pray-salat-ul-istikhara/). Sometimes it’s hard to passively let life pass you by – and you sound like someone who doesn’t let that happen. However, when you pray isthikara, you can go about life with the knowledge that Allah(SWT) will facilitate whatever is best for you. After you pray isthikara, pay attention to how you feel, how he may feel/act towards you, and if the road to a relationship is easy or obstructed. For whatever reasons, sometimes what we want isn’t best for us. Allah has a wisdom that we are not privy, so whenever I make isthikara, I try my best to accept and trust in what Allah(SWT) has let happen.
My other recommendation is for you to truly consider what he adds to your life. Your faith seems to be pretty important to you, so think about whether or not he is someone who brings you closer to Allah and strengthens your faith. I agree with what you said in that you can definitely love another person while still building self-love and love for Allah(SWT); however sometimes relationships can be distracting and can take you away from Allah(SWT) – it’s a matter of the dynamics of a relationship.
Lastly, while I definitely understand why you feel compelled to act on how you feel and see if he feels similarly, but I would echo what Fatima said… Since you work with him, speaking up before you are completely sure this is what you want could have detrimental effects in terms of creating an uncomfortable work place.
InshaAllah I hope this helped a little… May Allah(SWT) give you clarity in this situation and guide you towards what is best for you. Ameen.
HA18
Salaam sister,
WOW and mashAllah to you for making such huge changes in your life. It’s amazing that you have been able to make so much progress alhamdullilah and it is very, very clear that Allah swt loves you very much to be taking care of you and guiding you to inshAllah what are better and better things for you.
I think it is important to keep what I just said in the background of your decisions – you are someone who is loved by Allah swt. It is clear from the way you are thinking that you are also someone who is very conscious of her thoughts and of Allah’s presence in your life. That is amazing and I am sure it gives you the comfort that you no matter what ends up happening, you have Allah as a friend and guide who will help give you exactly what is best for you. Never forget that.
Ultimately, you are the best judge in this situation as to how the relationship is panning out. I want to just share a few things for you to think about. You are probably someone who as life goes on grows more and more everyday and becomes more and more ready for marriage. Nobody is calling you naive, but I am not sure if you know if the guy is someone who wants that in his life right now, or is even the same way as you. It is very possible that he enjoys your company but wants to wait 2 or 3 more years before actually considering someone for marriage. I am sure you also know, marriage is not about the two of you, but also your families. It is every aspect of both of your lives merging. If you think that your life is in a place right now where your families and your life situation (ie just starting college, him just starting work) will be accepting and supportive of the very real challenges of marriage, then I recommend you very respectfully approach him about it and say something like “I am someone who feels like I am ready to start meeting people with the intention of marriage. I understand we are friends and work together at MIST and I will 100% respect any decision you make. Would you be willing to consider if our friendship could ever turn into a halal relationship for the sake of marriage?” Maybe you could send something like that through an email or a text to give him some time to think, or I am not sure if the both of you have a trustworthy tight-lipped friend who could convey that message for you if you feel uncomfortable doing it yourself, but only put yourself out there if you can honestly say that yes, his and my life situation (that means everything – willing families, compatible life schedules) is ready to take on the challenges of marriage. If not…the reality, which hurts, is that this guy has to be someone who is fun as a friend and to hang out with at MIST, but it just might not be the right timing in your life. Think about some of these scenarios…he’s at work from 8-5, you have a 6 pm class at school which means it will be done at 8 which means you have to start homework after. Basically, you will go the entire day probably not even seeing each other, and when you do, you’re tired. This will probably happen at least 2 days a week. It’s nice to think that you can make that sacrifice because of love, but the reality is that there are lots of people who really love each other but no matter who you are that is just another challenge on top of the other continuous challenges that really put a toll on a marriage. Couples who both only work are so busy that just handling work puts a toll on their marriage, let alone adding on studying on the weekends and all the other mundane responsibilities of life you need to take care of. Let’s consider even before you actually start school, you may get accepted to a realllly good school in another state or he may find an amazing job he wants in another state. Who will make the sacrifice then? These “what if” scenarios are a very real part of life and I am just asking questions that are the tip of the iceberg. There are websites and books which contain extremely important questions that people should consider before getting married. I recommend you read this book: http://www.amazon.com/1001-Questions-Ask-Before-Married/dp/0071438033 and see how you could even answer these yourself right now.
An important part of loving yourself is realizing that sometimes you need to put yourself first, as in the goals you may have in your life such as graduating/finding a job/being able to have freedom in college, above something as difficult to do as letting someone you love go. Unfortunately, loving ourselves does not actually lessen our love for another person, …or else getting over people would be a lot easier than it is. That is the real challenge in this, to love yourself by being strong enough to do what is right for you even when it breaks your heart.
Keeping you in my duas, may Allah swt continue to guide you and love you more and more everyday…and may Allah swt grant you with a compatible and wonderful spouse iA! <3