In my head
Salaam wa alaikum,
I’m ruining my life by living in my head. During sophomore year i switched to a new school and was bullied and suffered from extremely low self-esteem. I wore hijab which got me noticed more and not in a good way. Although there was nice people my awkwardness ruined any possible friendships. there was also this situation where I had an allergic reaction to deodorant so I used baking soda and it obviously didn’t work. The guy I sat next to even moved away. I feel guilty for ruining peoples perceptions of Islam because of me. All these failures and mistakes made me not care about my grades so I did terrible. Now in my senior year I’m in a new school much happier but knowing that I could have done much better and feeling like I’m a disappointment to my parents is putting me back in the dark place i was. I know people go through ten times worse, but I’m scared I’m going to ruin my life doing this. How do I stop feeling guilty and how do stop thinking about it completely. I have tried things such as writing a letter to the people i hate and it works temporarily and comes back with a bang and pains my heart once more.
Jazakallahu khair
Assalamu ‘alaykum,
From what you describe, your mind seems to be working overtime and tends to focus on the things that do not go well in your day rather than the things that might have gone well. It also seems like as your mind spends time there, you get to a point where you decide that you yourself are just “bad” or “worthless” or “toxic”.
I wonder what you would find if you spent a week writing down everything that goes well – even little things like “I made it to class on time” etc. At the end of the day you could also add to the list everything that you are grateful for.
I also wonder about why you feel your parents are disappointed in you. Did they say or do something that gives you that impression?
If we begin to believe that we are just bad, worthless, toxic, useless, etc. then everything we see and do starts to be seen through that lens. It colors everything and makes it difficult to take in the information that would contradict our negative assessment of ourselves. If that is the case for you, you might find some insight in Brene Brown’s work (She has written several books. Her first one is titled: I thought it was just me) because she takes on that issue (shame) and really does a good job talking about how it develops, and what we can do about it.
From what you describe, the letter your are writing sounds like you let out your pent up feelings, but that you aren’t getting a chance to do the second part of the exercise: process the feelings that come up and the assumptions underlying those feelings. Those exercises can be extremely helpful if you get a chance to complete the exercise and are best done with a therapist, but some people are able to do some limited processing on their own.
Wa ‘alaykum salam,
Sincerely,
Your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima FM”
FeelTheHeal
Hi Sweetheart,
I’m going to give you an exercise which worked for me in my darkest days. Go to Target, Barnes and Noble or any store of your choice and buy a beautiful journal- make sure when you look at it, it makes you feel good. Then buy a pen which is beautiful to write with- metallic gel pens in different colors even. Now take those two items to your bedroom, do wa’du, read two nafils and ask Allah, beg even to help release you from these feelings which hold you back.
Now here’s the fun part: the rule of the book is, you can’t write anything negative or mention people you don’t like. This book is called Project Happiness. Write your heart out- but if you start feeling an urge to complain or write something negative, you have to close the book. Make hearts, write the names of people you love. Draw a house- write where you want your ideal house, who would live with you, how many bedrooms, which city, what stores are nearby. Write what you love about yourself…i’d start off with “I write so well.” 🙂 “I love how my hijab defines me” “I love this new school”. Go ahead and spend one whole page writing about what your ideal friendship is like “best friends, hanging out after school at a coffee shop, laughing, sharing jokes”….write what your heart desires. This is YOUR book of love. Nothing is off limits. Anything is possible. Put your favorite picture in there, add quotes , future/career goals…marriage life partner traits you’d love to have…list of movies you want to see. Go wild with it 🙂 And carry this book with you. Take it to school. When you need to talk to someone- talk with all those thoughts in mind of what your book says about you. Because that’s who you really are and that is who you are on your way to become.
thatonecatlover
Dear ‘In my head’:
You know that feeling when you look back at the embarrassing things you’ve done in the past, and just, kinda cringe? Believe me, this is something that happens all the time to everyone. Everyone. Every. One. Everyone absolutely will go through an awkward stage in their teenage lives where they do things that they later look back on and can do nothing but feel in despair of their past selves.
It is, absolutely, a scary thing thinking about this. Especially when the people that were a part of these past experiences are a part of your life currently. The feeling of being judged by people around you for things that happened in the past is both frightening and puzzling. Most of the time, we don’t even know what to do? The concept of “escaping from your past” dose not exist in the real world.
But it dosent have to exist. We don’t need to escape from our pasts. Why? For two reasons. Firstly, because it’s our past that shapes and defines who we are. We only know and learn what we do from things that have happened to both us and those around us in the past. Although no one wants to make mistakes, we are GUARANTEED by Allah that we will make mistakes in our life. The only thing we can do when these things happen is look back on what happened, fix it if we can, and try to help someone else if they can benefit and learn from our mistakes.
Secondly, because our past dosent effect our now. I’m sorry it’s such a cliche statement that literally anyone could say, but it is the truth. The ‘you’ of a few years ago and the ‘you’ of now are two completely different people. Please, don’t let yourself get worked up over minor mistakes from your past. Don’t look down at yourself of the now over mistakes and issues from your past that are out of your control to fix.
Accepting the past is whats most important here. Knowing we cant change it, and letting ourselves become better for it.
Instead of looking down on yourself for having done something awkward in the past, be proud of yourself for having gotten through it!
What’s amazing about life and time is that it is constantly moving forward, never backward, for us to look back at the past, learn, and do better in our future.
May your life be full of happiness.
Stay strong.
– That One Cat Lover
Anonymous
Thank you that was very encouraging although easier said than done and I love your name. Cats <3
nafiz.tafader
Salaam sister,
I hope you are well. You know, it’s very easy to think about the negatives in life. I mean we’re kind of conditioned to do just that. We watch tv and all we see is all the bad things happening out there. When people talk about others, they always talk about the negative things. When we continuously do good but mess up one time, people tend to remember that. It’s just not right! And I understand that it seems like when things are going well that it just MUST go bad eventually. But really, you shouldn’t think like that. Just from your post, I know you’re doing a lot of good things. You wear hijab, you worry about how others will feel, you write down your angers instead of blowing up on people. Those are great things! And yes it may seem like some of that is temporary and that you’ll get angry again or upset, but you have to understand that it’s natural to feel like that. You won’t know good unless you know bad, right? How would we know how beautiful the weather is one day if it weren’t gloomy and cold and gross the day before? And when days Are gloomy, we always pray and hope for a nicer day. We don’t give up on that hope. You should do the same about your life. It may seem difficult but you have to stay determined. Wake up every day telling yourself today is a new day and that its gonna be a GOOD day. Life is all about habits. The better habits you practice, the better your life will be.
You want to be better. That’s a huge step in itself and inshaAllah you will figure this out and you’ll be okay. And you always have the team at Stones to Bridges for support so never hesitate to seek our help.
Take care of yourself 🙂
Nafiz
Anonymous
Thank youu I love this website you are all beautiful people may Allah reward you and give u Khair in this life and the hereafter
Anonymous
Walaikum asalaam sister – Thank you for taking the time to write to STB It sounds as though you are letting your past weigh you down and bring down your present. My mantra is, it doesn’t matter how you got there, it just matter’s where you are. What that means is that, the past is the past. You can’t change it and you can’t take it back. But as long as where you are and where you are headed is a good place, than alhamdhulillah. You mentioned how you moved schools and are much happier at this school. Focus on that. What you can change is your current trajectory. If, for whatever reason, you feel like you disappointed your parents, don’t get caught up in past mistakes which in turn make you feel bad and then ruin your present. Concentrate on the here and now.
I also agree with what Fatima said about changing how you perceive yourself. If you think you’re worthless, than you will feel worthless. I remember when I was in high school and early in college, I had pretty low self-esteem. Similar to what Fatima recommended, I got in the habit of making myself find something I liked about myself everyday. It could be anything – from a personality trait to a physical characteristic. But I was diligent and made myself do it everyday. Slowly, but surely, I eventually didn’t need to make me compliment myself, the thoughts started coming on their own and I really believed it. Obviously it was a tough road, but the point is that you need to change the narrative in your head from where you are “worthless” and “disappointment” to one where you have value and are proud of yourself. I truly believe that everyone has so much to add to the world. Allah(SWT) has brought you into this world for a reason and whatever it is that you are to add to the world, no one else can do. Just remember that – you have value and you are very much needed!