Usual Teen Stuff

Dear Fatima,

Well i live in houston & as any other young teen i go to school, visits places outsode of school. well i have deveoloed a crush. knowing im a muslim i tried to not to take any action toward him. but i didnt, i have a facebook abs i talked to him a couple time as friends only. but i really like him and cant get him out my head. i know im a muslim qnd i dont wanna be thinking thses thoughts so what am i suppose to do ?

======================================================

Assalamu ‘alaykum,

Though it’s natural to feel attracted to someone, I understand the tough situation you find yourself in.
I’m not sure how old you are so I don’t know how close you are to considering marriage.

I would be careful not to talk to the person too much – especially if you are nowhere near being ready to consider marriage.
The more you talk to and think about the person, the more the feelings will likely grow, and the more likely you will find yourself in what I call “the sticky situation” where one or both of you have all these feelings and no future.

There are a few things you can do that might help:

1. Pray istikhaarah and ask Allah (swt) to guide you about how to approach the situation
2. Make a list of things you like about the person which helps you understand what you are attracted to and ask yourself if the things you like are things can be used as a foundation of a long-term relationship like marriage, or is all surface level stuff like height, color of the person’s eyes, smile, etc.
3. If there are real substantive things you like, then save your list for a few years and if you are both still single, then see if there is a way to explore marriage at that point.  If there are mostly surface stuff, then put away the list and whenever you notice something that is more substantive, you can add it.
4. When you choose to put away the list after you’ve written it, imagine your feelings getting folded into it and being put on “hold” – sometimes that helps to at least buy you some time 🙂

There are other things that people recommend like fasting, spending time in service of others (not the person you like!), and doing other things that feed your soul so that your self-control is stronger.

-Fatima FM

————————————————————————————————

Dear usual teen stuff,

It’s natural to have such crushes. Is it that you are feeling uncomfortable with the thoughts, or that you are concerned it will lead you into having a relationship with him? Thoughts are not on their own problematic. They may become problematic if they spill over into behavior that isn’t in line with your principles. Thoughts that are inaccurate will bring about issues, however.

Pay attention to what it is about this young man that attracts you. That will often reflect what you are looking to find in yourself. The more you get to know yourself, the more prepared you will be for healthy love/marriage, and for life.

-Fatima SY