Stuck in haram behaviors and influences

Assalamualaikum my dear Sister, 
 
I can hear you…. First of all, I want you to take a deep breath. You’re carrying so much, and I can feel your pain through your words. I want you to know that you are not alone, and your struggles are understood. The fact that you’re reaching out, that you care, that you want to do better, shows that your heart is still connected to Allah ( SWT) ,and that is something incredibly valuable. You’re struggling with so much your faith, your environment, your relationships, your family and it feels overwhelming. But I want you to know this: you are not alone. And you are not beyond Allah’s love and mercy. You are young, your journey is just beginning, and no mistake, no sin, no struggle is too big for Allah’s forgiveness.

Allah says in the Quran: “Say, ‘O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Most Forgiving, the Most Merciful.’” (39:53)

This means that no matter what you’ve done, you are never too far from Allah’s mercy. Your feelings of regret, your desire to do better, are signs that Allah has not abandoned you. He wants you to return to Him. It’s easy to feel like a “bad Muslim” when you struggle with haram things. But do you know what actually makes you a good Muslim? It’s that you care. You feel guilt, you want to do better, and you’re reaching out for help. That means your heart is still soft, still connected to Allah. That means He is still guiding you.

You’re in an environment where practicing Islam openly is difficult. You are trying your best, and that is being a good Muslim. Your struggle is seen by Allah, and every effort you make—every prayer, every moment of self-control, every tear of regret—is rewarded. Even if you struggle with praying five times a day, fasting in the month of Ramadan ,try your best with what you can do.  Islam is not meant to be a hardship but a guidance. You’re struggling to pray, and that’s understandable given your home situation. But here’s something to remember: don’t aim for perfection, aim for progress.

Start with one prayer if you can’t do five. Make it Fajr or Isha, since they’re most rewarding. If you miss a prayer, don’t give up. Just do the next one. Even if you can’t pray properly (e.g., no wudu, no private space), at least make dua, talk to Allah, or recite Surah Fatiha. Allah sees your situation. He knows what you’re going through. Every effort you make no matter how small it is worth so much to Allah. 
 
I know this is a difficult thing to hear, but deep down, you already know that staying in a haram relationship is not helping your peace of mind. Yes, this person makes you happy, but true happiness comes from Allah’s blessings, not just feelings in the moment. Shaytan makes haram things feel sweet, but in reality, they harm us spiritually and emotionally. You don’t need to leave everything overnight—but start thinking about what true love means. If this person truly loves you, would they support you in being a better Muslim? Would they be willing to wait for you until things can be done the right way (through marriage in a halal way)? Try making small steps: setting boundaries, reducing physical interactions, and turning to Allah for strength. You can get out of this, and you will feel so much lighter when you do. I know you care deeply about this person, and leaving them feels impossible. But love should bring peace, not constant guilt. If he truly cares about you, he will want what’s best for your faith and your future. That means respecting you enough to wait, to make things halal, and to support your growth as a Muslim. Try taking small steps toward purity… Maybe that means reducing physical intimacy, avoiding private time alone, or slowly detaching emotionally. Make dua, ask Allah: “If he is good for me, bring us together in a halal way. If he is bad for me, remove him from my life and heal my heart.” Leaving sin isn’t easy. But it’s so worth it. Imagine the peace of living without guilt, without fear of punishment, without feeling stuck between love and faith. That peace is waiting for you.

Your situation with your parents is not your fault. Islam teaches us to respect our parents, but that does not mean obeying them in disobedience to Allah. If wearing hijab is not possible right now, focus on modesty in other ways—your speech, your behavior, your actions. Allah knows your struggle. I know you want to wear hijab or niqab, but your family’s reaction makes it impossible right now. That’s okay. Allah doesn’t burden a soul beyond what it can bear.

For now, focus on modesty in ways you can control: Wear looser clothes, longer sleeves, and avoid revealing outfits. Lower your gaze from things that increase temptation. As for the fights with your parents, I know it’s painful. Islam tells us to respect parents, but that doesn’t mean accepting abuse or harm. If arguments happen, try to step back, breathe, and avoid reacting with anger. Even if they’re unfair, remember: your patience is a form of worship. And if you slip and argue back? Ask Allah for forgiveness. He knows your struggle.
If fighting with them happens often, try to step back. Even if they say hurtful things, try to remain calm and seek Allah’s help. And if you make a mistake, ask for forgiveness—Allah sees your efforts.
 
I know your biggest fear is, “Will I ever reach Jannah?”
I want you to remember a story: There was a man who killed 99 people. But when he sincerely sought forgiveness, Allah not only forgave him, but guided him to Paradise. If Allah can forgive a serial killer, why wouldn’t He forgive you, a young girl trying her best? Jannah isn’t just for the perfect. It’s for the struggling, the sinners who repent, the ones who fall but keep getting up. That means you still have hope. As long as you keep turning back to Allah, even after mistakes, you are never a lost cause. So try to do tawbah, ask Allah for forgiveness, even if you feel like you’ll sin again. Keep repenting. Sincerely ask Allah to forgive you. Even if you fall again, keep returning to Him. His mercy is greater than any sin.

Reduce haram influences. Slowly step away from things that push you toward sin. Talk to Allah: If nothing else, just say, “Ya Allah, help me.” That’s enough. Surround Yourself with Good Influence – Since you don’t have a Muslim community, try to follow Islamic reminders online (lectures, Quran recitations, Islamic books). Even small reminders change your heart over time.
 

Right now, you feel stuck. But imagine a future where you have the freedom to fully practice your deen, where your heart is at peace, and where you are close to Allah. That future exists. You just need to take it one step at a time. You are loved. You are seen. You are still worthy of Jannah. And you are never beyond Allah’s mercy. Hold onto that, even in the hardest moments. You are young. You are learning. You are struggling. But you are not alone. And you are not beyond Allah’s mercy. I believe in you. I believe in your ability to change, to grow, to get closer to Allah, even in small steps. And more importantly Allah believes in you, too. That’s why He’s still guiding your heart, still keeping you searching for Him. ALHAMDULILAH!!
 
Allah tells us:”And whoever fears Allah—He will make for him a way out. And He will provide for him from where he does not expect.” (Quran 65:2-3)

Right now, you feel trapped. You’re in a home where you can’t openly practice, a relationship that is haram but feels good, a world that constantly pushes you toward zina and distractions. But Allah has a way out for you. In Shaa Allah. It might not be clear yet, but it’s there. Your job is to hold on to Him. 

May Allah ease your heart, guide you, and bring you the strength to overcome these struggles. Ameen!!!
 
Warm Regards,
 
From Your Sister in Islam,
 
“Fatima MV” 

Salam,

Firstly, you are brave, and God chose you for His guidance. I can’t imagine the stress of the difficulty and challenges that you are facing. You have a heavy heart, and I heard a yearning and desperation to please Allah from what you shared. Your intentions to stop forbidden deeds and to start deeds that Allah loves are important to Him. They count! Like, imagine if you meant to turn your homework in to your teacher, but you didn’t. She would not reward you for your intention, in fact, you’d get punished! But with Allah, your intention to do a good deed or refrain from a bad deed is rewarded even if you aren’t able to follow through. This is His Mercy on us! He wants to create ease for you and is rooting for you to be successful.

I hear that you’re in a relationship that brings you joy, but you’re also aware that it conflicts with your Islamic values. That kind of conflict can cause a lot of stress, especially when you care about the person. Perhaps it would be helpful to explore what it might look like to accept the feelings you have right now while also asking yourself whether staying in this relationship aligns with the future and identity you envision. You mentioned that you plan to marry, but there are other ways to explore the connection without compromising on your values.

You don’t need to have everything figured out in one go. Give yourself time and space to reflect on the future you want and the kind of relationship that best aligns with your faith, even if that means difficult choices. If you can, try to reach out to a trusted person or counselor who can offer perspective on this.

Your honest reflections about your struggles shows a desire to overcome them. You can leverage this blessed month of Ramadan to kickstart good habits and putting chinks in the cycle of bad habits.
1.      The Prophet ﷺ said that the best of deeds are those that are done consistently, even if they are small. So, commit to a good deed that you can “plant” every day, and let Allah water that seed into a mighty source of protection and goodness.
2.      The Prophet ﷺ said follow the bad deed with a good one to erase it, and engage others with beautiful character. Try your best effort in avoiding displeasing deeds, and if you make a mistake, then follow up with helping someone, doing something kind without expectation of return, practice gratitude, or remembrance of Allah.
3.      Beg Allah for sincere forgiveness, and to erase your mistakes and sins as if they never existed.
4.      Pray that Allah puts hate in your heart for what He hates and love for what He loves.

The key is to keep striving. It will be challenging, there will be mistakes, and mixed emotions. You may fall off the wagon, but dust yourself off, ask for forgiveness and keep turning back toward Him. Channel Dory if you have to, and “Just keep swimming.” He will help you surf the waves.

The Prophet ﷺ said “Allah Almighty says: Whoever comes with a good deed will have the reward of ten like it and even more. Whoever comes with an evil deed will be recompensed for one evil deed like it or he will be forgiven. Whoever draws close to Me by the length of a hand, I will draw close to him by the length of an arm. Whoever draws close to Me by the length of an arm, I will draw close to him by the length of a fathom. Whoever comes to Me walking, I will come to him running. Whoever meets Me with enough sins to fill the earth, not associating any partners with Me, I will meet him with as much forgiveness.”

You are not alone in this. Keep seeking the help you need. Here are some resources that may be helpful:
·         Free biweekly support group https://khalilcenter.com/events/convertsisters
·         Social support, free classes https://www.helpforreverts.org/
·         Personal story of a revert’s journey: Eslimah on Instagram (“My Journey” in Highlights) and YouTube


May Allah (swt) ease your difficulties, surround you with His love, and guide you on the best path.

From Your Sister in Islam,

“Fatima SA”

Assalam alaykum my sweet sister,


 MashaAllah, dear sister, as I read your post, I saw a common theme of wanting to please Allah, and for someone as young as you are, this is such a beautiful thing to read! You have a lot going on in your environment and within you. You fear the reaction of your parents if they learn of your reversion and are in an environment filled with harmful influences. However, a beautiful change within you has sprouted and you found meaning and purpose in Islam. It doesn’t stop here, and I chose the word sprouted carefully.

Right now, you are still learning and growing in your practice. All these magnificent actions you want to undertake are truly admirable! I pray that Allah helps you to achieve these goals but keep in mind that things take time. Focus on what you can do now and do not stress about the bigger picture. I know this can be hard, I also struggle with this. To give you an example, imagine that a person who has never driven a car before, but wants to, looks out their window to see cars driving and navigating along their way. It may feel intimidating to that person, and they may worry, “I’ll never be able to do that”. At that point, the person needs to move away from the window and begin to think and plan small steps to get there. If they’ve never driven a car they will need to sit in one and familiarize themselves with the controls of the vehicle. Right now, my sweet sister, as I read your post, it sounds like you are the person who is looking at the other cars and is worried about not being able to achieve that.

Your prayers and hijab will come insha’Allah, but right now, you need to figure out what the first step is to get there. Allah has guided your heart to turn back to him, and what a beautiful gift that is! His Love for you is there, and now your part is to show Allah your best effort. What that looks like, you know it best. Even giving something up for Allah is part of your growth, as when we give something up, He will replace it with something better. This, I have personally experienced. I also feel for you when you stated that you have no Muslim community in your area. When I was your age, I didn’t have any Muslims in my community either, and I didn’t even make a Muslim friend until I was 20.


With the luxury of modern technology, you may be able to find online Muslim communities. One site, https://quranreflect.com/ is where Muslims from around the world post their thoughts and reflections about the Quran. If you are interested, you may be able to find a sense of community there.

I also came across an article that discusses Ramadan from a revert perspective, I pray you find it helpful. https://www.amaliah.com/post/70130/converts-guide-ramadan-reflections-tips-for-reverts


May Allah bless you, my sweet sister, with the best of this world and the next, allowing your light to shine bright where others are inspired by you, ameen!


All the best,

Your Sister in Faith,

Peer Support Volunteer NL