Transgender daughter

Assalamualaikum my dear Sister,

I know this situation has caused you a lot of pain, and I want you to know that it’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed, confused, and even heartbroken. Losing connection with a child in this way can feel like a great loss. I hear you, and it sounds like you’re carrying a heavy burden. It’s important to acknowledge that these emotions are real and understandable. What you’re feeling doesn’t make you a bad parent—it makes you a caring one. It’s okay to grieve and process what’s happening. In fact, the first step in healing is to allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling. Allah says in the Qur’an: Surah Al-Baqarah :286 – “Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear.”

I know this situation is deeply painful for you, especially because it involves a choice you may feel is against your beliefs. But remember that your child is also undergoing her own struggles. Adolescence is a time of questioning, searching for identity, and sometimes even rejecting norms to establish a sense of self. It sounds like there may have been some signs of emotional turmoil that were hard to address. It’s common for teens to make decisions that seem extreme or confusing to us, especially when they feel they’re not being heard. I think you’re beginning to see that sometimes, these choices come from a place of needing validation or understanding, rather than rebellion.

While you may not agree with her decision, showing love and compassion doesn’t mean agreeing—it just means being there for her. Do you think it would be possible for you to send her a message of care without directly addressing her gender identity? For example, “I want you to know that I love you no matter what, and I am always here when you’re ready to talk.” While it may be difficult, this journey will require continued patience and faith. Allah will not leave you alone in this trial, and through patience (sabr), you can find strength. As a parent, it’s important to be steadfast in your love, while trusting that Allah has a plan for your daughter. Continue to make dua, and remember that change doesn’t happen overnight. Sometimes, healing and growth take time. The Prophet (SAW) also faced difficult trials with his family, but through patience and trust in Allah, he was able to rebuild those relationships. The story of Prophet Yaqub (AS) losing his son Yusuf (AS) is a reminder that through trials, Allah tests us, but also guides us back to Him. He never lost hope.

When Allah loves a servant, He tests them. The heart is in Allah’s hands—He can soften it at any moment. Trust that Allah’s plan is always better than what we imagine. “Do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, none despairs of the mercy of Allah except the disbelieving people.”
Your daughter’s journey with faith may take time, and patience is key. Encourage making du’a for guidance for both your daughter and yourself. Sabr (patience) and reliance on Allah’s plan are essential. Trust that Allah’s guidance can come at different points in a person’s life.
Ensure your daughter’s safety first. If they are missing, contact authorities. Rebuild trust. Show her she is loved regardless of identity struggles. 
When she returns, inSha’Allah, the goal is to rebuild connection while maintaining Islamic values and parental authority with wisdom. 

Here are some practical ways:

Be calm and patient. The teen likely expects confrontation. A gentle approach surprises them and makes them more receptive.

Choose a private, relaxed setting. Avoid public or tense spaces. A casual car ride, a walk, or a shared meal can lower defenses.

Control emotions. If feelings rise, pause, breathe, and return to the conversation later. You can talk like “I know things have been really hard between us. I want you to know that, no matter what, I love you and care about you. I want to understand how you feel. “This reassures her that you are not attacking her. It makes her feel seen and valued. It encourages her to open up instead of shutting down. Tell her softly “We are a Muslim family, and I will always uphold our values. That doesn’t mean I stop loving you, but I hope we can find ways to respect each other.”

Ask your daughter to respect family values at home while you work on understanding her struggles. Emphasize that disagreement does not mean disownment.

Introduce your daughter’s religion gently, leading by example. Show kindness, patience, and a welcoming attitude toward faith. Instead of forcing prayers, invite her to listen to a comforting Islamic talk or make du’a together.


This is a long journey, not a one-time conversation. The focus should be on keeping the relationship strong, by showing her that Islam is a faith of love and guidance. Trust that Allah’s plan unfolds in different ways for different people, In Shaa Allah. 


Even when things seem hopeless, Allah’s mercy can turn any situation around. Allah’s guidance can come at any time. Keep praying, keep loving, and keep hope alive. Do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Many parents have gone through similar trials, and with patience and wisdom, healing is possible. In Shaa Allah. 

Warm Regards,

From your Sister in Islam,

“Fatima MV”

Assalaamu Alaikum Sister,

Anything good and correct that I say is from Allah, and anything wrong that I mention is from myself. I ask for forgiveness for any shortcomings on my part and I pray that Allah guides me in providing you with direction in this matter that is best for you and your family in this life and the hereafter. Ameen.

As difficult and scary as this revelation might be for you, remember that she is still the same daughter you have always loved. The only thing that is certain about parenthood is how little control we actually have over our children. Only Allah is the controller of hearts. Also, the more, as parents, we try to push our children in one direction the more they tend to go in the opposite.

I’m sure you are overwhelmed right now but crying and begging only hurts the both of you. Especially because you have younger children, it is important that you preserve your own mental health. Take comfort in knowing that cutting your teen off is not your only option for mental peace. Even though things feel hopeless and rocky now, there is always potential for improved relationship in the future. In order to increase those chances it is important that you do not disconnect from your teen. Open and honest communication is important and key. If you want to increase the likelihood of influence and connection in the lives of your children as they continue to grow older then you have to maintain a respectful connection. Disconnecting would only reduce the chances of potentially having any Islamic influence in their lives. Here are 5 things to remember when you approach your daughter:

Have an open and honest conversation about how you feel and any fears you may have for her without the intention of changing her mind. The moment our children sense we are trying to change them they will shut us out.

After respectfully sharing your thoughts, fears, wishes, hopes etc., listen to your childs feelings, wishes, hopes and fears as well. Do not criticize, or insult, but rather listen with curiosity about your teen’s struggles.

Seek clarification and understanding. Sometimes as parents we think worst case scenario.

Do not push your teen in any direction. Sometimes pushing our children towards a certain path increases the likelihood of them doing something they may not have done if they were left alone.

Do NOT increase the risk of your teen rebelling for the sheer reason that their autonomy was taken away. This is human nature.

Most importantly, establish a support network for yourself and/or seek therapy. Managing you own anxieties and fears will help you maintain conversations with your teen in a calm manner rather than lashing out at her which may push her further away.  

Focus on what you can control. Focus on the other aspects of the deen and your relationship with her that will continue bringing her heart closer to Allah and leave the rest in His hands. The tighter we try to hold on to our teens the faster they run. Allah said that the only thing She will never forgive is Shirk. Many Muslim teens will leave Islam because of the lack of love and support from parents/community. Focus on what is important: that she stays alive, that she stays relationally close to you and that she is not driven away from Islam.

Take comfort in the fact that your daughter, from what it appears from your post, has a strong Islamic upbringing. Trust in how you raised her and that she will make the best decision for herself Insha’Allah. Again, do the things that you have control over: continue to make dua’a for your daughter, and pray that Allah guides your family during this challenging time. Most importantly, always be a source of unconditional love for your teen. I cannot emphasize the importance of this. There is a high risk for suicide in teens who identify with the LGBTQIA+ population and especially in those who are isolated.

May Allah protect our children, may He help us be the best parents to them: a source of unconditional love, support and guidance. May He guide them, keep them safe from the harm of others, from any unintentional harm that we may inflict upon them, and from harming themselves. May He forgive us all for our shortcomings, grant us the highest place in Jannah, and reunite us with our loved ones. Ameen.

Your Sister in Islam,

“Fatima AH”