Afraid of not getting married
Assalamu alaikum
I, 22F, have recently been experiencing a nudge within me to prepare myself for marriage, and for the first time ever, I truly feel as though my mind is fully aligned and I am committed to the journey of getting married. I have always wanted to marry. My biggest dream had been to be a wife since puberty, but when I was 16, the desire was there, however, it was faint, and I used to get so envious and jealous of those who had gotten married. But I never even felt the nudge to make dua or ask Allah because I was convinced it wouldn’t happen. Slowly but surely, over time, I was starting to open up to challenge my limiting beliefs about Allah, until last week before Ramadan started, I felt a nudge within me to start preparing for marriage by working on myself, knowing what I want, my core values, compatibility, and asking myself: What do I want? And the qualities that I look for in a husband, do I bring them to the table?
This has been a recent nudge. I don’t know what it is. A part of me is telling me this is Allah preparing me for marriage because perhaps it’s around the corner. But as somebody who suffers from debilitating anxiety as well as depression and went through traumas, my lower nafs and wounds are telling me it’s delusions. And perhaps Shaytan is also exaggerating or even planting these seeds of doubt because he doesn’t want me to succeed.
I am so committed to this journey, and since I embarked on it, I have been nothing but struggling. I cry all day and have dreams about marriage, though I can’t pinpoint who is in the dream. I cry because I am working on trusting Allah and relying on Him, trusting He will provide and He will give me what I ask for. But I am at a tug-of-war between: I’m the only exception; Allah won’t give me, then I say, He is the same Lord who split the sea for Musa (AS) But Musa (AS) is a prophet and not you, you are an ordinary human. Then I have thoughts when I see old people unmarried: What if you don’t get married and you stay single? What makes you think you are so special that Allah will give it to you now? And worst of all, I feel like I am not putting in any effort because to meet a man, I must go out but I don’t due to my anxiety, which I have yet to get medicated for. I am fighting a battle with my doctor to access medication. It will take me a while to get there. I don’t have friends. My family isn’t supportive, and Dad is abusive and is not in my life, he lives in another city. So I don’t know who can be my wali. I struggle with humans in real life. So how dare I dream big and ask for marriage? It makes me feel like my dream is unattainable because I had to drop my lab and can’t attend my classes due to my immense anxiety.
People assume I want to get married because I can’t stay single, but it’s a lie. I don’t mind being single, but it isn’t fulfilling because I want to have a husband. I want my own man whom I can love, and I want to be a mom and have children. Now, that is not to say I don’t find fulfillment in my own life. Every day, I nurture myself by showing up for studies, starting to work out, focusing on my goals, cooking, embroidery, watercolor painting, advancing my Arabic, and getting closer to Allah. I am also an aunty. I love every identity of mine as an aunty, as an artist, as a cook and as a student. And I want to be a wife. I know I will be fulfilled in it. Once again, it’s not that I am unfulfilled in my own life. I am fulfilled by being me, and I’m content being my own person, despite how much anxiety convinces me otherwise and makes me suffer and feel like I’m too much. I like being me and my qualities. I feel fulfilled. I don’t feel like a part of me is missing, maybe the mentally stable part that doesn’t struggle with anxiety but I don’t expect a person to complete me. I expect marriage to be my sakinah, a source of love and companionship, with Allah at the center.
And I know marriage will test me, will trigger me. It won’t fix me. I never will expect it to, nor do I expect it to. Because I have firsthand experience from my previous friendship that ended. The closest to you will trigger you, and it’s about what can you do to go from there? I have learned a lot about interpersonal skills that will serve me in a marriage. And lucky me, I am still learning because I love being a student. A student of my studies, biotechnology, and a student of life and a student of receiving Allah’s guidance.
Right now, these thoughts make me feel like marriage is impossible, won’t happen to me due to how anxiety limits me, and therefore, Allah won’t send me a husband right now. My brain is telling me it’s delusions no marriage for me. And I’m actively trying to rewrite that mindset, those beliefs. But Ya Allah, I am exhausted. I don’t know what to believe anymore because the voice is loud.
I just want to believe and know for certainty my husband is closer than I think he is. I would love nothing more than to be married and be somebody’s wife. I just love, love, and love is something you grow and nurture and put in effort over time. Though I haven’t been married, I have had a fulfilling friendship in which it thrived because of our constant effort, and we showed up for one another and fought for one another when it was hard, when circumstances challenged us. I just hope and really want to get married.
I feel like my form of effort working on myself, my mindset, being in a state of receiving, living as though today my husband will walk in asking myself: am I ready to receive his love? Doing all that, my brain is telling me that I won’t get married unless I put myself out there. I don’t know when I will or if I can 🙁 It feels as tough anxiety is limiting me
Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Assalamualaikum warahmathullahiwabarakathuhu,
My dear Sister, your feelings are completely valid. Your longing for marriage is not just a personal desire but a fitrah (natural disposition) that Allah has placed in you. The Prophet (SAW) himself encouraged marriage as a means of tranquility (sakinah). Your struggle with anxiety and doubt does not make you weak; rather, it is a test, and tests are signs that Allah is refining you, not rejecting you. You are not the exception to Allah’s mercy. If He has placed this desire in your heart and you are striving to prepare yourself, He sees that effort. Just as He provides for others, He can provide for you in ways beyond what you expect. Even the greatest people in history, including the Prophets, faced delays and tests in getting what they longed for.
Delay is not denial—it is divine timing. Instead of saying Marriage won’t happen for me, Say I am preparing myself for when Allah sends the right person at the right time. Breathing & Grounding Exercises: When overwhelmed, use deep breathing (4-7-8 method) or grounding techniques like 5-4-3-2-1 (name 5 things you see, 4 things you hear, etc.). Exposure Therapy (Gradual Steps): Since social interaction is difficult, start small, like attending an online Islamic gathering or a community event, before engaging in direct matchmaking efforts. Putting yourself out there doesn’t mean forcing yourself into uncomfortable social situations. It can mean opening yourself up to opportunities in a way that feels safe and manageable for you. There are Online Islamic matrimonial services where you can engage in conversations at your own pace. You can check with a supportive person to be your wali if your father is unavailable. In the absence of a father, a community imam or elder can act as a wali. You can seek an Imam’s guidance if your father is absent. Ask pious family friends or mentors to help you find a compatible match. Try to attend Islamic classes/events (virtually or in person) where like-minded individuals are present.
Your story is yours alone. Someone else’s delay or experience does not define yours. You are on a path that Allah has designed specifically for you. A healthy, confident, and self-aware person attracts a healthy relationship. Your current growth is laying the foundation for a beautiful partnership in the future. Try to enjoy the present rather than viewing it only as preparation for marriage. Make dua with certainty rather than doubt. Prophet Muhammad (SAW) said : “No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for it.” So acknowledge that these are the means of your purification from Allah.
Allah does not plant a desire in your heart without a plan for its fulfillment. It will come at the best time for you… In Shaa Allah.
Allah says in the Qur’an:
“And when My servants ask you concerning Me, indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me”.(Qur’an 2:186)This affirms that Allah’s help is always close, and your dua is being heard.
Anxiety traps us in a need for certainty, but Islam teaches reliance on Allah over complete control. Your job is to prepare yourself emotionally and spiritually—Allah will take care of the rest. Allah answers those who turn to Him, regardless of their struggles:
“Do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins.”(Qur’an 39:53) Strengthen Relationship with Allah. Pray Tahajjud and ask with certainty. Read this Dua daily: “Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us leaders for the righteous”. (Surah Al Furqan verse 74)
Consider Islamic therapy or counseling if access to medical support is difficult. Reassure that Marriage is a Means, Not the Ultimate Goal….
Marriage is not the completion of self—it is a blessing that complements one’s journey towards Allah. Marriage is like rain , it nourishes, but your roots must already be strong to withstand storms. Your strengths (nurturing self, self-growth, faith) already prepare you for a beautiful marriage, whenever Allah decrees it…In Shaa Allah. Allah’s delay is not His denial. Marriage is not being withheld from you—it is being prepared for you at the right time, with the right person, in the best way. Just like food, wealth, and health, marriage is part of rizq. If it is written for you it cannot be taken away, and if it is not decreed yet, no force can rush it. Try to make dua without doubt, because Allah will answer in the best way—either giving what you asks for, replacing it with better, or delaying it for a greater .
Identify your Negative Thought Patterns like “I’m the exception; Allah won’t give me marriage.” “I don’t deserve it.” “I’m not doing enough because I don’t put myself out there.”
Reframe it with this: Allah does not forget His servants. You are worthy of love & companionship. Trust in Allah, it will come at the best time.
You are already doing the inner work—marriage will be an extension, not a “fix” for you.
“Your marriage is not delayed—it is being perfected.” Trust that Allah’s plans are always greater than your fears. Your story is unfolding perfectly, even when it feels slow. Trust that Allah is preparing both you and your future spouse in the best way. Keep making dua, keep preparing your heart, and know that Allah’s timing is never wrong. You are already doing so much to prepare yourself. Trust that Allah sees your efforts. Your journey is unfolding in ways you cannot see yet, but that doesn’t mean nothing is happening. Keep going, and when the time is right, you will find your person. In Shaa Allah.
Warms Regards,
From your Sister in Islam,
“Fatima MV”
Response from your friend at Stones to Bridges:
Walaykum assalam dear sister,
I find it admirable that you are thinking about your future, praying and hoping not just to have a husband but to be a loving wife, and insha’Allah a mother as well. I also appreciate how you acknowledge that although you see marriage as fulfilling, it doesn’t mean you won’t have difficulty with your spouse. This is a mature way of looking at it, as many young women often overlook this part and think that once they get married, they will be able to leave their present struggles and begin their new, happier lives with their husbands. Being married can be fulfilling as it is part of our religion and a sunnah of our messenger (SAW).
I’m sure you’ve heard many times, perhaps from family, that it is essential to work on yourself; this, masha’Allah, is something that it sounds like you are already on track to do as you are adopting good habits, such as working out and coming to your classes. Keep up with this, insha’Allah as you show Allah, that you are making efforts towards something, Allah will open doors for you. A favourite saying of mine is, “Do your best and Allah will do the rest”, our best will look different every day. Some days you may find it easy to show up to your classes and other days, you may shy away and want to stay in bed. Don’t give up on yourself, and especially do not give in to your thoughts/feelings that Allah will not listen.
Allah answers our duas in different ways, and sometimes, we don’t see our answer to the dua until much later. Allah, The One Who created you, blessed you with Islam and gave you the desire to become closer to Him wants the best for you. What we want may not be good for us, or it may not be good for us at the time that we want.
Keep on your journey of learning and working on yourself, think, ask, and learn from others about marriage, what is your attachment/communication style? Try listing qualities you need in a spouse and dealbreakers/things you cannot tolerate. Investing in yourself before investing in others can only help you in your search. Having a good idea about yourself, your strengths, and your weaknesses will allow you to become, by Allah’s Will, the loving and caring wife and mother you wish to be.
May Allah bless you with a spouse who will be the coolness of your eyes here and in Jannah Firdous, ameen.
All the best,
Your Sister in Faith,
Peer Support Volunteer NL
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Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful: https://www.stonestobridges.org/tag/friendships/
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