Unholy and Selfish in so many Ways…
Ok
I was very stupid when I was 10 but I can’t change the past. Let’s go
(Reminder, I STILL have not gotten help)
I was an overachiever, straight A student, good at swimming, did a little archery. Even when I was younger, I think I was battling low self-esteem. I think in my mind, it’s because there was one perfect girl. You know, athletic, good grades, lots of friends, chill parents etc. I didn’t have many friends. Even now, I few friends that I truly trust, most of my “connections” are people who know less than 50% about me. I think at that time, a small seed sprouted.
Not until about 5 years later did that small seed really became a problem.
This was the start of the school year, so during the summer, I’d messed up my sleep schedule, and didn’t wanna do any work. That was stupid but I didn’t want to work. After a few months, I’d said that I hated the Quran astagfirullah. So my parents got a belt and beat me, which was when the cutting started. That stopped very quickly. I was more into the internet and telling random people all about me. And you know drama was about to go down because I was a 10 year old who had just gotten her period. So I was sharing random things with strangers and then yet another mental obstacle appears. I’m a regular student… who develops a crush on a cute hifz boy. And you know I hide it. Most of my friends frown on it and didn’t talk about it. Since I had been into the internet so much, I started one other problem that year. I started to watch porn. I know, I know, disgusting, gross, all around bad, but I couldn’t stop myself. First animated, then censored.
That all leads up to this year, where another friend joins my school and we talk a lot. She develops a crush on my crush’s friend and we get each other. Then I find out she also struggles in her mental health and we hit it off from there. That leads up to now. So yeah. 11 years old and my mind is somehow not in tatters.
Response from a “Fatima” Counselor:
Salaam little one,
It sounds like you have the world on your shoulders. You’re courageous to describe the weight that you have been carrying. It’s clear that you’ve been fighting hard to get through your struggles. Most people don’t seem to know how heavy or painful those burdens have been. From what you’re describing, you’ve struggled with maintaining a certain image of yourself even though you have so many strengths and skills such as swimming and archery MashAllah! Just hearing about it, we get the sense that among other qualities, you’re smart, strong and talented. Allah (swt) created you and that alone means you were created with worth. You are worthy no matter what anyone else tells you or what your community says otherwise. You were brought into this life for a purpose with gifts that were designed for you. Allah (swt) is Al-Wahhab, the Giver of Gifts. Part of those gifts includes your purpose. You were brought into this life with that purpose. If Allah didn’t appreciate the unique gifts we each individually offer, we would all be identical clones of each other!
What you shared isn’t easy. Being vulnerable hurts and feeling guilty for our mental health struggles is natural. You’re not alone. You’re figuring it out and that is absolutely okay.
I know there are other traumas you have experienced and tried to release that pain. I can’t imagine what that’s like and what you’ve lived through. What I’m also hearing is a lot of trying and not knowing where to belong. Everyone wants to fit in and be accepted for who they are.
We need spaces to figure out and work through that pain. Sharing here is the first place to start. Another amazing resource is individual counseling where mental health professionals like therapists are specially trained to help you even further with your needs. (and we can attach some links below as resources) Sometimes when we’re confused and trying to figure things out, it is often helpful to ask ourselves certain questions. What do you like? What are your hopes? What are things you love about yourself? What makes you happy? Who are the people who will love and root for you through the ups and downs? What is your purpose? Do you know who you are? I know these are big questions. But they matter because frankly my dear, you matter. Even if you’re not sure about the people who are your people and what makes you truly you, in Allah’s perspective you will always matter.
All of this takes time to figure out. It means being patient and kind to yourself. It means not beating yourself up about the past. It also means finding ways to be gentle to that mind that has brought you so far.
I hope you know you’re not alone.
I make dua that you’re surrounded with light, clarity and strength. You have an adventure ahead of you, inshaAllah.
Sincerely,
Fatima FA
Response from your friend at Stones to Bridges:
Salaam my sweet sister,
It sounds like you have experienced a lot of difficulties for someone as young as you are. I would like to thank you for feeling comfortable to share your experiences as it isn’t always easy to do so. I appreciate how you started off your post by stating that you can’t change the past, this is true; and I would like to take this opportunity to remind you of how despite what challenges you may have faced so far it does not mean you cannot move past them.
Our past does not define us, but we can use it to help us move on and to shape us into better human beings and slaves to Allah. We all have things in our past that we would hate for others to know but Allah is the one who keeps it hidden from others, as long as we don’t expose our past to others. No matter what sins or challenges happened, know that Allah is The Forgiving, He is the One who will clean your slate when you turn back to Him. You may feel these feelings of being, “selfish” and “unholy” but my sweet sister, these are just feelings and do not allow these intense feelings to define who you are. As long as you still have your soul in your body, Allah will forgive any sin.
I pray that as you grow, you are able to take your past as a learning experience and it will allow you to boldly face any future challenges that may come your way.
All the best,
Your sister in Faith
Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful: https://www.stonestobridges.org/tag/selfesteemworth/
