Conflict with a friend
21F
I had a fight with my friend that led to the demise of our friendship. I’ve decided not to reconcile or make amends because she doesn’t deserve someone like me.
The fight started because I was deeply depressed. Normally, when I’m feeling low and need a break, I would tell her, but this time, just this once, I fell short. Instead of being honest, I lied and said I hadn’t seen her messages when she reached out to check on me.
During the fight, which was shocking, I felt like a completely different person. Imagine a time jump between the same character played by two different actors of different ages. That’s what I was like during the fight versus the aftermath. It was shocking to me. I remember my initial reaction during the fight was to cater to her needs, reassure her, apologize, and own up to my mistakes, which I did. Yet, no matter what I said, it didn’t satisfy her, and that started to stress me out. When she asked me questions and I answered truthfully, admitting I lied and apologizing, she got angrier. The angrier she got, the more confrontational and harsh her tone became, and that scared me. I didn’t realize it back then because I thought her reaction was valid since I hurt her, but deep down, my authentic self was locked away and only started emerging slowly 16 days after the fight. I wasn’t aware I was afraid, but now I know. I was afraid because she grew angrier and more confrontational, and what I did was try to own up without making excuses.
But the problem was when she asked why I did something, and I gave my perspective, she would respond by saying it didn’t make sense, making me doubt myself even more. I believed she was right, and my explanations didn’t make sense. Then she said, “I just feel like you know what to say, like the right thing to say at any moment.” Upon further reflection, I realized how hurtful her comment was because she was implying I was manipulative, twisting the narrative to fit my agenda and come clean. I started to lose it and have a panic attack. I was in a fawn response, unable to access my needs or vocabulary, becoming silent, shut down, fatigued, scared, and fighting for my life. Despite my fawn nature, I tried my hardest to be present, but I was dissociating, going in and out, and my mom and sister were bothering me. I went to the bathroom to talk, and they were banging on the door, being so loud that I got overwhelmed. On one hand, they were talking to me loudly, and on the other hand, she was yelling at me on the phone.
Because I didn’t see anything wrong with her actions at the time, it felt like playing a role embodied by two different actors—the same role during the fight and the aftermath, but different actors. Back then, I was out of touch with myself, which is unusual for me since I’m always in touch with my needs and myself. I didn’t realize she was being harsh and crossing the line. In my head, I was thinking it was all my fault, and I needed to fix it and appeal to her. When I was tapping out, I asked her to repeat herself because I forgot what I said, and she sighed, clearly annoyed, accusing me of gaslighting her. That threw me off because in the past, I made a joke just one time about her gaslighting me. She had told me not to use that word lightly or jokingly, and I apologized and never did it again. So, when she used that word with me, it stung on many levels. I felt frozen, not knowing what I was feeling other than an intense frozen state. Upon further reflection, I realized how twisted and wrong it was. Asking her to repeat herself because I forgot what I said is valid given the heat of the argument and our different conflict styles.
Then it became a tug of war. She asked if there were other times I lied. She told me that she isn’t okay about lying because of her past toxic friends were liars and couldn’t understand why I lied. That made me freak out even more, causing me to mistrust my own perception of reality and judgment. When she asked about other lies, I tried to think hard and was happy when I found a recent lie about being tired. It was when she asked me if I was tired and I said no. She said, “Okay, whatever. I’m not the kind to dwell on the past because it’s not healthy for moving forward.” That gave me momentary relief. Then she asked if I lied about seeing her tattoo on her new Twitter profile picture. I freaked out because the fight shifted from me needing a break to a Twitter profile picture. It was unfair and ironic since she claimed not to dwell on the past but brought this up two weeks later. When she asked, I pretended not to hear so I could quickly check Twitter and lie, but I couldn’t, so I admitted it. She was angry and asked why. I explained I thought of a time she posted a filtered picture on Tumblr and replaced the Twitter picture with that in my mind. She had a hard time understanding until she finally did, then asked me to send the picture. Before that, she kept saying it didn’t make sense because we talk on Twitter, not Tumblr, which made me mistrust myself more. I wasn’t lying; we do see each other’s posts on Tumblr even if we don’t engage there.
I sent the picture, and she got angry, saying I didn’t even like the picture, which paralyzed me more. I might have said I liked and stalked her on Tumblr but overlooked this post, which doesn’t mean I lied or should cause her to question my integrity. It’s mind-boggling how she hyper-focused on the “like” part, implying I lied about liking her posts. It became a back-and-forth questioning. She asked why I lied, and I honestly said I didn’t know because I needed time to process and was beyond exhausted and in a fawn response. She wasn’t happy. She’s direct but lacks boundaries, often becoming confrontational and harsh. She demanded answers, and when I didn’t give them, she suggested I didn’t want to hear her talk about her tattoos just like how sometimes she doesn’t want to hear me talk about my books. That hurt because it wasn’t true; I wanted to compliment her, and her getting a tattoo was a milestone. She celebrated my milestone, and I felt guilty for not seeing hers. Putting words into my mouth and enforcing a perspective was hurtful.
Then it was a back-and-forth tug of war. She told me to focus and have clarity, but I was panicking and couldn’t. When I moved to the kitchen and asked what she was saying, she said, “GIRL, am I to believe you didn’t hear what I said?” I blacked out after that. At the end, she said, “So you admit you’re a liar.” I’m not sure what I said; I don’t know if I said yes, but I hope I didn’t because how will I ever forgive myself for succumbing to her twisted view. I wanted to say, “Just because I lied, it doesn’t make me a liar,” but I silenced myself to avoid angering her. We ended the conversation by agreeing to talk in a few days, and she laughed, saying we would. Six days later, I messaged her, but she didn’t respond. Two weeks later, she removed me from her socials, then blocked me. She also ignored her financial responsibilities under my name.
I bought her a phone subscription under my name because of her low credit score, made sure she had 3GB of 4G, and that it was eligible for use in the EU. She ignored that responsibility, and now I have to deal with the consequences.
At the time I bought the SIM card for her, she was living with her abusive brother, who was emotionally abusive and would even hide food from her. I was there for her in every way possible. Before I got her the SIM card, I offered my phone number for job interviews, and when they called, we would FaceTime using our iPads while my phone was on speaker so she could talk. I helped her with resources, sent her packages, especially period care items, because she was too depressed to go out and didn’t want to ask her brother. I went above and beyond to support her in every way for 10 months, proving how reliable and trustworthy I was.
For her to judge my character based on a single instance, and worse yet, to abandon the financial responsibility she had under my name, is incredibly hurtful. That responsibility has now increased, and I’m struggling to pay it off, which is affecting my credit score—something I overlooked at the time because I trusted her. I even turned a blind eye when she purchased an iPad under her brother’s name. She asked him if it was okay, and he agreed, especially since they both agreed that she was going to pay it off and he was generous about it. But when he started showing his true abusive nature, she stopped paying for the iPad, which messed up his credit score until he eventually paid it all off himself.
At the time, I empathized with her so deeply that I started adopting her mentality. I thought to myself, “It makes sense to respond this way.” But it wasn’t until she treated me the same way that I began to see things clearly. Even though her brother was abusive and some might argue he deserved it, her actions revealed a lot about her so-called integrity and honesty. It showed that she couldn’t commit to her responsibilities and couldn’t separate personal grievances from her obligations.
I know that if I were in her position, I would have handled it differently—proof of that is how I am currently dealing with my own emotionally abusive mother. She’s narcissistic, but I have financial commitments under her name, and I’ve always paid them off because I believe that obligations should be honored, no matter how you feel about the person. It wasn’t until I experienced this betrayal firsthand that I realized just how morally twisted she is. She bends her morals to suit her feelings at the moment, and the more I reflect on it, the more I see that she did the same to me, even though I’ve never been that kind of person. I’ve been there for her through everything, yet she couldn’t extend the same respect and integrity toward me.
What angered me the most was her double standard. She claimed to value honesty above all else, yet she abandoned her financial responsibilities under my name. She ignored that responsibility, leaving me to deal with the consequences. It’s infuriating that she felt justified in labeling me a liar and taking the moral high ground, all while she conveniently abandoned her own commitments. If she truly valued honesty and integrity, she wouldn’t have left me to bear the financial burden she agreed to.
In the end, it became clear to me that while she was quick to judge me for a single mistake, she was entirely comfortable compromising her own ethics when it suited her. This realization hit me hard after our breakup, making me see that if I were in her position, I would have handled things differently—I would have honored my commitments, regardless of the emotional turmoil.
This conflict made me realize something important: for a long time, I thought I needed to work on myself because of how she confronted me. Don’t get me wrong—I’m always working on myself. I do muhasabah daily and strive to be the best version of myself. However, her confrontational nature made me question whether something was fundamentally wrong with me, convincing me that I was a liar and needed to fix that. But when I took a deep look within, I saw that I’ve always valued honesty. The only times I’ve lied were when I was people-pleasing, which I’m actively working to overcome.
In this particular situation, I lied about seeing her calls because I knew she needed me, and the guilt overwhelmed me. It was a mistake, not a pattern. Usually, when I’m feeling this way, I would tell her, but this time it was just too much.
Response from a “Fatima counselor”:
Salamualaikum dear sister,
I’d like to first start by saying that I’m so sorry that this friendship has contained so nuch stress. From what you have written, it sounds like this friendship is severely lacking emotional safety for both of you.
It appears that you’re fearful of her anger, disapproval, and/or the loss of the friendship, while she is often hyper-vigilant and fearful of any possiblity that she may be deceived or neglected.
I want to bring a few things to your awareness about the message you’ve shared, with the intention that this broadened self awareness will lead to future healing for you inshAllah.
The first is that when you lie to your friend, it’s out of fear and self protection.
It’s important to confront within yourself why you’re so terrified of losing this friendship even if it costs you your own mental health. I’m not suggesting that this friend does not also make you happy in many situations when you aren’t in conflict, but the question is what is the price you are paying for this and is it worth it?
There is an important quote that says: “we accept the love we think we deserve.”
Do you not believe you deserve a friendship that is emotionally free and safe? Do you lack hope that this sort of friendship is possible for you to attain?
The second observation I have noticed from your message is that you often find yourself in a panic, scrambling to soothe your friend’s suspicions that you may not genuinely care for her or that you’re a bad friend. Any “mistake” that you make as a friend is seen by her as proof that you are a threat to her emotional safety.
Unfortunately here, her standards of proof that you are a caring friend are so high that you are almost crushed by the weight of these standards. For example, you didn’t see a post that she created on Twitter–are you expected to constantly refresh all her social media platforms so that you don’t miss any updates? If there is an important milestone in her life, then she should feel like she can simply share it with you personally instead of testing you to see if you checked her social media. Unfortunately, your friend is reacting from a place of unhealed traumas: you mentioned she experienced betrayals from friends in the past and that her brother is abusive. She is on high alert to ensure she can control the behavior of her loved ones in an attempt to keep herself safe, but she doesn’t seem to realize that this will only create a self fulfilling prophecy: you become the friend who wants to soothe her so badly that it feels impossible unless you lie (and you shouldn’t).
I’m glad you realized in hindsight what happens with you when you are in conflict with her. I would like to correct you that you don’t have a “fawning nature,” as you mentioned. Fawning is a stress response rather than a personality trait, and you fawn to protect yourself from the fear of disapproval or abandonment of your friend.
I have also noticed from your message that you are unable to approach conflicts on your own terms. When you find yourself becoming completely overwhelmed or lacking space and privacy in your home to engage in conflict resolution, you push yourself beyond your limits or lock yourself in the bathroom as your only option.
It’s so important to learn how to establish boundaries in all of your relationships. A boundary is not a command that we tell people what to do. A boundary is a behavior that *you* take in order to care for your well being. For example, let’s say you’re on the phone with your friend in the midst of conflict and you are tapping out. This is a sign that you’re overwhelmed. Your inability to follow her words or to focus is a sign that you are overwhelmed and that your nervous system is too dysregulated to allow you to be present and responsive in a way that is productive to either of you. In that moment you have to ask for a break.
You can say something along the lines of, “hey, I really want to resolve this with you and your feelings are really important to me. I am finding that I’m feeling extremely overwhelmed right now and it’s making it hard to follow everything clearly. I really need a break to take care of myself and my body before resuming this conversation. Can I please call you back in a couple of hours/days?”
In a healthy friendship, this should be completely okay with your friend. In an unhealthy friendship, there will be push back. If there is push back, you have to reinstate another boundary. For example, “I do not feel comfortable pushing myself beyond my limits to continue trying to resolve this with you now. If you can’t agree to me taking space, then I will have to hang up the phone and take space for myself.” You have laid out a consequence. Now, this will ONLY work if you are secure with yourself and open to the idea that your friend will sabotage the relationship if you try to have your needs met. If you’re still in a place where you’re willing to sacrifice your needs to keep this friendship, then you’ll never be able to successfully enforce boundaries.
Lastly, I want to bring up the point you made about being someone who is always working on herself and making muhasaba. This is virtuous and important, and you should never stop doing this. But beware: shaytan sometimes uses our own sincerity against us, and weaponizes it to make us completely lose trust in our own discernment. You witnessed this happen to you with your friend, that you began to question if there is something fundamentally wrong with you.
Make sure you always strike a balance of being open to being wrong without also completely abandoning your own understanding and wisdom of discernment.
Lastly, I’d like to leave you with some food for thought. You mentioned having an abusive mother. Dysfunctional relationships with our primary caregivers can often lead to us having dysfunctional relationships later in life, because we never learned from our primary caregivers what healthy relationship dynamics look like. So be aware how your relationship with your mom may be subconsciously affecting how you show up in your relationships. See if there are any parallels. For example, you fawn with this friend and have a lot of fear around her disapproval. Is there any parallel in that with your reactions to your mother? Is it the opposite? Why or why not? Approach yourself with compassionate curiosity.
May Allah bless you with healthy friendships that feel spacious and secure, supportive and joyous. May Allah allow your muhasaba to be a source of growth and not a source of self doubt.
Sincerely,
Your Sister in Islam,
Fatima “YR”
Response from your friend at Stones to Bridges:
Salam dear sister,
I am sorry to read of the falling out with your friend. That must have been incredibly difficult for both you and her, especially since I felt while reading that the two of you were quite close. Arguments and disagreements are a natural thing that happens in relationships. The closer you are to that person the more likely you are to have them. However, how we handle ourselves in those times can be the make it or break it in the relationship. From your post, it sounds like things got quite heated. We don’t always understand how or why someone reacts to a situation the way they do and understandably your friend’s choice of behaviour and words really got to you. As I was reading through, I was reminded by something a friend of mine had taught me. She works as a psychotherapist and as we were talking about emotions/behaviours she pulled out a visual for me. Here is a link if you would like to see: https://zensationalkids.com/product/the-behavior-iceberg/
It was an iceberg and on the top of it, there were many behaviours like crying, yelling, aggression…etc and below that was a list of emotions that underline that behaviour. She explained to me that what we see in arguments, confrontation, disagreements…etc, is the behaviour. What we can’t see is what emotions that person was experiencing during that time. Learning this was very helpful to me as it helped me work on developing emotional intelligence, something that I do struggle with as it is a lifelong challenge. With this being said, I in no way am trying to excuse the behaviour of your friend, after all we are accountable for how we treat others and just because we feel a certain way, it doesn’t give us an excuse to act out in a wrong manner. I used to work in early learning centers and this was something we really tried to work on with the children. Telling them that it’s okay to feel upset, angry, hurt and many other feelings but that we can’t be hurtful to others just because we are feeling that way. In my own personal life, I have had many challenging experiences with others and by slowly learning about Emotional Intelligence it has helped me to better navigate the difficulties in any relationship, whether that be with parents, siblings or friends.
One of my favourite books- “With the Heart In Mind” by Shaykh Mikaeel Ahmed Smith speaks of how we can develop our Emotional Intelligence, and he lists many examples from the life of Allah’s Messenger (SAW). A great example is when one of the wives of the messenger (SAW) sent food over to the house of Aisha (RA) and upon seeing this- she hit the container of food. Imagine the scene of a broken dish scattered on the ground with the food a mess on the floor, the many guests at the house all still unsure of what to do. The Messenger (SAW) was able to see right through this behaviour and told the people- “Your mother has become jealous” as he calmly picked up the pieces and food.
If this was anyone of us, we would become furious, especially since there were people over, but this was a perfect example of how to “see” the person and not just the behaviour. It is difficult to do but is immensely rewarding if you can.
At the end of the day, you know best whether this friendship is one worth salvaging or not. I can see that there is a lot of hurt that you still feel and it is absolutely valid for you to feel that. If it helps, try to speak with a loved one or write down your thoughts to help you move past it and start a fresh chapter.
I pray that your heart is able to find peace once again and that if you do choose to mend the relationship it becomes stronger and healthier than before.
All the best,
Your sister in Faith.
Here are some additional posts on this topic that you may find helpful: https://www.stonestobridges.org/tag/friendships/
