Cheating within the family

Salam dearest sister, I pray that you’re in a settled state despite the difficult circumstances you find yourself in.
It sounds like you’re dealing with a wide range of emotions: feelings of anger, resentment, betrayal, disappointment, indignation, confusion, responsibility, and more. Know that all these feelings are perfectly normal to feel in this situation, and I hope you will invite these emotions in as sources of crucial information about your deepest self.

From what I understand of your message, it sounds like discovering that your dad explored a relationship during the 5 years of your parents’ divorce brought up feelings of betrayal for you on behalf of your mom. It may also be feelings of betrayal for you personally because it was a secret that was kept from you as well. It also sounds like you feel disappointed, angry, and maybe even feelings of disgust that your dad had a relationship that appeared to be a non-marital one with a non-Muslim. I’m also hearing that your dad’s expression of regret over his actions feels unacceptable to you, that it is a way for him to excuse himself without understanding the gravity of what this means to you. Lastly, I am understanding that you feel the weight of a responsibility of keeping this secret from your mother, and not knowing if it’s better to tell her and risk the marriage being ruptured again or hiding something like this from your mom and feeling like you are betraying her in the process. I can only imagine how stressful all this might be feeling.

Firstly, I want to highlight an important part of your letter. Your dad is described by you as “on and off” with his religiosity, which is different from your mother’s religiosity. If I was speaking with you, I’d inquire more about your dad’s “on and off” religiosity. What does Islam mean to him? Does he have less strict ideas around what is halal or haram? Are his values overall vastly different to yours? You may be thinking, “who cares? There are very clear lines between halal and haram, and my dad committed haram by having a relationship outside of marriage.” The reason I feel that it’s important to explore and highlight this is to understand your dad’s intentions, no matter how misguided you feel he is. Intentions matter, because if he genuinely did not or does not share the same religious ideas as you do, then he is operating at a different moral compass than you. This is a hard pill to swallow when our understanding of right and wrong feels so obvious to us but isn’t necessarily shared by our loved ones. It is possible that in your dad’s mind, he was afraid to commit to another relationship through marriage after ending a 21 year long one, so he explored a non-marital relationship to be sure about what he truly wanted. Now, he is within his rights Islamically to enter a halal courtship with someone after Islamically divorcing his current wife. But if he was dating this person outside the realm of what is permissible within the Sharia, that is a different story. It’s hard to tell from a photo unless they were touching without being married. 
Regardless, it appears that your dad needed to explore another relationship to discover that what he truly wanted all along was to be with your mother. I do not say this to justify an impermissible relationship, rather it’s a way of contextualizing your dad’s behavior and to see the ways in which sometimes Allah guides us back to the straight path after we have strayed. It sounds like your dad has made tawbah and wants to become a better Muslim, and only Allah knows what is in his heart. 

I think it’s really important that you sit down and have a level headed and curious conversation with your dad about all of this. Set aside your indignation for a moment and come to him from a place of loving curiosity (I know it’s easier said than done. Seek out Allah’s help with this). Ask him questions from that place of loving curiosity rather than interrogation: What are his values? Were they different during that 5 year period than they are now? What changed his mind? Did he believe his actions were justified at the time? Does he believe that now? Why does he now believe his actions are wrong if he has changed his mind? Does he really regret this? Why? What does it mean to him to be a good Muslim? Try to resist correcting him as much as you can for now. Just be curious and ask follow up questions: seek first to understand before seeking to be understood. 

If your dad seems sincere albeit misguided, then that could be a catalyst for you finding forgiveness for him in your heart. Regardless, make duaa for him. Omar, one of the most influential companions of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (p) used to worship an idol made of dates and was set on murdering the Prophet (p). People stray off the path and Allah guides whom He wills and forgives with abundant forgiveness. So offer your dad the mercy that Allah offers us all.

This tribulation may be the very thing that bridges a gap between you two. Ask him why he wants to keep this a secret from your mom (even though the answer may be obvious to you) and get vulnerable with him about how conflicted you feel with hiding this information from your mom. 

As for that secret and what to do with it? Ask Allah to send you a clear sign about what you should do. Purify your intentions, be with your prayers, consult your heart, and be open to the signs Allah sends your way. 

I pray that Allah brings clarity to you, peace of mind and heart, and deep healing in your relationship with your dad, and deep healing for your parents relationship, and guidance for all of you towards Him.

Sincerely,

Your Sister in Islam,

Fatima “YH”

1. Salaam my dear, 
It sounds like you are in a difficult position and might be feeling burdened by knowing a piece of information about your father’s behavior your mother might not know. This must be very stressful for you especially as you love your mother and want to protect her. On the other hand you may not want to inadvertently prevent them from forgiving each other and moving forward in their relationship. Another burden you might feel is that you think revealing information about these pictures would potentially stop him in his journey to becoming a better Muslim. 

We each have our own personal journey with Allah and nobody is responsible for our journey but ourselves. No matter if he is with your mom or not, he alone makes a decision to be a better Muslim. Please do not feel any guilt about this. Additionally, as their child, you should not have to be involved in maintaining the peace of their relationship as they are both adults and are responsible for the choices they make for their relationship. Whether they ultimately decide to reunite or to be apart, it will be their choice only and not a result of any action you take. 

This conversation that you had with your father could mean many different things. One possibility is that you do not know the conversations that your parents have already had and it is possible your mother might already have some awareness of this past relationship. Your dad might be telling you not to talk to her so that your mother does not have to have this difficult conversation with you and to minimize harm/pain to you. Another possibility is to assume the worst and that your father is trying to hide something. 

You can consider reaching out to your father again and tell him how you are feeling. You can consider telling him that you do not feel comfortable making him any promises to not tell your mom. Then you can see how you are still feeling and reconsider speaking with your mom about this. 

I am making doa for you and your family. InshAllah what is best for you and your family will happen. I pray to Allah to guide you to make a good decision. 



2. Assalam alaykum my dear sister,It must have been extremely difficult for you to come across those pictures, I can’t imagine the thoughts/feelings that must have been running through your mind at that time.Every child of Adam (as) will commit sins over and over again, the hard part is when they become out in the open like this. What your father did is between him, and Allah and it may be something that pushes him to become a better Muslim, a better husband to your mom and a better father to you.In regard to whether you should tell your mom or not, I cannot say as these situations are from an easy fix. It is important that you try your best to not allow this to tear apart your relationship with your dad. Which depending on how you are feeling, may sound easier said than done.  Also remind yourself that you are their child, and it is for the well-being of both for you and the family if you do not try to insert yourself into their marital conflicts. I know it can be hard, especially because you want goodness for both your mom and dad but inserting yourself will cause you to feel overburdened and truthfully the difficulties that your parents face in their marriage are not yours to carry.If it is a possibility, I would strongly recommend that you find a good time and place to speak to your parents (together or separately) about them attending marital therapy. If it’s possible, a therapist who is knowledgeable and rooted within the Islamic tradition as they would be able to counsel and advise in a way that is Islamically sound. If your parents are able to attend a marital therapy, that could be greatly beneficial for them as they would have a licensed professional who is able to help and understand their situation and all the complications in their relationship. I know of a couple who has just recently begun therapy and it is helping them, alhamduillah. Here is a link on some helpful advice that you may want to share with your parents on the benefits of therapy: https://www.rahmaa.org/counseling/post-marital-counseling-2/islamic-marriage-counseling/ I pray that Allah eases your difficult situation and allows your family to be reunited, becoming stronger than ever in faith, love, mercy and compassion, ameen.

All the best,

Your sister in faith