I need advice

Assalamu ‘alaykum, 

These situations are so tough because the emotions run high and unless there are supportive adults in the picture then it’s hard for the young people to navigate the situation. 

This is going to be tough to hear, but the biggest quality that is going to help is patience.
The young man has to figure things out on his end, whether that means a way to support his wished-for family, to work on his parents, or both. It’s best if he gets support from someone other than you through this process because when people are hurt and angry they say and do things that are painful. If he shares too much with you while he is figuring it out, if his parents come around, you will always have those memories and they will impact your relationship unconsciously. The support will need to be from someone like an elder in the community and/or an imam. 

For yourself, if you worry about falling into haram, then the best course of action is to reduce contact that could erode those boundaries further.

The second quality that you will need is determination.
Essentially what his family appears to be asking is that he be able to support his family and that the marriage be both legal as well as Islamic. Those are not unreasonable requests, and things that are obligations of a partner to the other. So he will have to buckle down and create a plan to fulfill those obligations. Once they see him moving forward with that plan, they *may* be more open to a conversation about allowing you both to marry before he completes the plan. 

This is always a tough situation, and I hope that you and he are able to navigate it with mercy on yourselves and on your parents.

wa ‘alaykum salam, 

Sincerely,

Your Sister in Islam,

Fatima “FM”

Walaykum assalam my dear sister, 

I first wanted to acknowledge how amazing it is that you want to make things halal by getting married especially at a younger age. As our Messenger (saw) said, “We have not seen anything (better than) marriage for two people who love one another.” [Ibn Majah] May Allah reward you both for your noble intention, ameen. 

I can’t imagine how difficult this situation is for the two of you. Navigating different cultural expectations within families can be challenging and very emotionally exhausting. We often don’t think of how much culture can affect our lives, but it does play a part, especially for some more than others.

Since your father agrees to the proposal, you could have him speak to the father of the brother you would like to marry. That way each head of the household can speak to one another to get a better idea of each other’s perspectives. I would also strongly recommend you pray istikara and ask Allah for His Guidance on the matter.

 Ultimately He Knows what is best for us and in situations like this where you are actively seeking someone for marriage, our feelings can take the driver’s seat and we are not able to think clearly if this situation is good for us or not. 

As we know, marriage is half our deen, and it is really important that we think about why that is. Marriage can be a beautiful thing, but it also requires work, commitment and dedication. We don’t want to rush too quickly into it but neither do we want to make it difficult. As we want to make the halal easy and haram difficult.

 As you are thinking of marriage, I would also strongly advise you to learn about the rights and responsibilities of the husband and wife in Islam. Since you do have someone who proposed to you, it may also be a possibility to try pre-marital counselling, to see if your personalities and values align. These are very important as those feelings of infatuation will fade away, but your values are a huge part of you and can make it or break it in a relationship. Say if a spouse is focused more on practicing religion and the other spouse doesn’t care as much, that will be a great source of tension and will strain the marriage. 

Here is an article about marriage and how it is important that your values/deen align with one another: https://aboutislam.net/reading-islam/understanding-islam/the-key-to-a-successful-marriage-is-having-the-same-deen/  

Here is also a link to a marriage course: https://academy.seekersguidance.org/enrol/index.php?id=154

I pray Allah blesses you with a beautiful marriage, filled with peace, love and contentment and allows both you and your future husband to be reunited in His Jannah, ameen.

    – Your sister in faith