So i like a guy thinking he was muslim (he is born in a muslim family) and then realized he is not religious. He only revealed that when i asked him to marry me, and i was already in love. He is one of my close friends. But he promised me that our children will be muslims and he will support me all the way in practicing my deen. But still, besides all this, i don’t feel comfortable because i feel it is haram. i don’t know what to do
Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Assalamu ‘alaykum,
Such a difficult heart space you are finding yourself in — I’m not sure your age, so I’m going to respond generally. I hear in what you are saying that you are emotionally attached and in your brain you have determined him to be a disbeliever — otherwise you wouldn’t say “it’s haram”. So my question to you would be what does he bring to the table that you are proud of? that you are comforted by? that you believe in?
If living your life according to the deen is important to you, how would that impact how you would bring your lives together? Would it create conflict? distance? intimacy? joy?
Successful marriages depend on something that binds the two people together, something that you can lean on when you go through the challenges of life. What is that thing for you?
It sounds like you have a lot of thinking to do and you should find some older, trusted, married mentors who can help you evaluate your answers to the above questions. What I do know is that if the answers to the questions don’t end up matching your emotions for the person (i.e. the answers say walk away and your heart says stay), then there will be a tough period of grief because you will have to choose between the two.
May Allah help you sort this out and help bring forth what is best for you in this world and the next.
wa ‘alaykum salam,
Sincerely,
Your Sister in Islam,
Fatima “FM”
Response from your friend at Stones to Bridges:
Assalam alaykum sister, Navigating the feelings of love/infatuation can be difficult especially when our feelings are inclined a certain way and then we hear of something that makes us put on the brakes. I appreciate how you decided to write this as it shows that your heart (despite having warm feelings for him) is not one hundred percent in it. This is a good sign. I would highly suggest that you try to figure out the values that are most important to you. Keeping in mind that marriage is not like a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Marriage takes work and I would hope that you would want to be with someone that keeps Allah as their main priority in life. You might feel infatuation for him now but if you think down the line, are you still going to be feeling this way? If being with someone who is practicing Islam is important to you, think about how this man would respond to you wanting to pray, wear hijab, go with your children to the masjid…etc. He may say that he will support you but if he doesn’t value this then he is not going to understand the value you place on practicing Islam. This can be a cause of great marital conflict when the couple has opposing values. If you are not feeling comfortable then I think this a sign that you should not proceed further. It reminds me of a hadith of a man who came to the prophet (saw) and wanted to ask him about knowing the difference between that which is good and that which is not. Allah’s Messenger (saw) said, “Consult your soul, consult your heart, O Wabisah. Righteousness is what reassures your soul and your heart, and sin is what wavers in your soul and puts tension in your chest, even if people approve it in their judgments again and again.”(https://www.abuaminaelias.com/dailyhadithonline/2012/06/25/consult-conscience-fatwa/) Don’t ignore the feeling and it is important to note that technically if he doesn’t consider himself Muslim then the marriage itself is invalid which would be equal to living in zina despite “legally” being married. Wish you all the best – Your sister in faith
