Lost in disguise
17 year old , girl, Pakistani, college student.
am 17 year old, fighting through suicidal thoughts all the time. I have planned many suicide attempts since childhood but was never that serious and committed on doing it. Some days ago , I really gave up , wrote goodbye letters to my closest ones, offered salat ul taubah, cried to Allah that even if you put me in hell I know you won’t harm me with something I didn’t deserved. Then I randomly opened Quran,and started crying heading down on a page, it was soaked in my tears so I thought to ponder on those words I wept on. It was about that do not kill yourselves….
I know it’s a gravest sin , I don’t want to fight or even raise a question against Allah’s command , but am confused, I read an article that there is a chance ( hope ) that Allah might forgive a person who committed suicide. I really don’t have any courage or reason left to live.I was born into a very modern Muslim family, due to my grandfather’s last wish my parents decided to put me in an Islamic institute for hifz. I am the first one in my family to memorize the holy Quran. Though it took away alot from me. I was 7 year old, a pure innocent child when horrors enfold. My school’s Quran teachers husband used to come home to tutor me. I was a very obedient and always first in class kind of child and being the favorite one of my female Quran’s teacher,took away my chastity.I remember the first day her husband came over to teach me , it was clear lust in his eyes he looked at me with . Being a child I didn’t interpreted it back then now I do when those eyes haunt me in my memories. There used to be a large wooden center table in that room on which me and my brother used to learn Quran. He the Qur’an teacher molested me from under that table, it was something awkward strange and uncomfortable to me. I wish I knew what it was but till I got mature enough it was too late. Those wrong touches , that smile on his face , torning my innocence all increased day by day. Its in past but it feels like it would never leave me alone. My elder brother used to be there but he never interrupted , I don’t know he was a fool or his team. Whenever I asked him to stop , he used to punish me and threaten me that he would complain to his wife ( my school teacher). I had an idea it’s something shameful and wrong by his constant threats that if I ever complain anyone , it would ruin my life. I hesitated to tell my parents as I was never close to them about the real me since they demanded perfection in every sphere of life. Secondly and the fear that led me to suffer was that if I ever complain to anyone about the torture am facing what if they don’t let me complete my hifz. After some years one day, one day there was no one at home and my brother went away to take a bath so , I got raped by my Quran teacher…all I remember is I had wrapped Quran firmly against my chest and I sobbed with pain and discomfort. I begged him to stop, I pushed him away with all energy I had but failed. I lost in disguise, I lost my purity,my dignity before I knew what it was and how in a girl’s life nothing is precious more then her chastity. It all ended in 5 years after I completed my hifz. I can’t forgive myself now as it would have stopped if I told someone. I tried a million times to complain to his wife ( my school’s Quran teacher, who taught me Quran so beautifully and with so much love). I respect her more then my mother, but I feel I cheated her. I wanted to tell her so badly of the torture her husband put me into but words always failed me seeing her happy in her life , seeing her daughter so proud of her fathers name. I thought how could I take that away. I feel like a culprit, as I believe I cheated her, the one whom I love and consider at my mother’s place , I fear when she finds out on the day of judgement how would I face her. Her husband always used to threaten me that if she would find out , he would blame me for everything as he was tempted looking at me , and she would hate me. I can’t stand that thought, the more I think of it , the more I hate myself.I don’t know the exact time , but during those years I was memorizing Quran, my own elder brother raped me too. It happened before I knew the meaning of Zina or s*x. We were alone at home , he asked me that I would have to play a game with him , and if I refuse him , he would complain to parents about my behavior and studies. The game he played with me was forcing me to watch porn with him and then act out what we watched. It was terrible and the most haunting experience of my life. Which torn apart all my trust, worth and self respect. It was the first time I watched porn and got to know that these awful things are normal in world. That was the same day my brother introduced me to the theory of how children are born. Till then all I knew was that Allah sends children from heaven and they are attached to trees from where parents take them . I was at pain and disturbed. After that my brother repeated his acts 2 or 3 times and never again. Though the way he looks at me , the way he acts maybe is Normal to him but is not to me anymore. He harasses me sometimes but he makes it look like a normal siblings stuff. When I ask him to stay at distance he says it’s his right and I was born a toy for him and only for his pleasure. I no longer have any self esteem , I feel like garbage, worthless and impure.I don’t find any meaning in my existence, I feel like I have had enough of this wreckage so called life and the soon it’s over, the sooner I would find peace. the story of my failings and loss doesn’t end here , I proved it to myself that am my own worst enemy. As time passed and I got mature, my past ruined me . I got addicted to habits like masturbation , self harm , self blame and porn. I got into filthy literature and discovered about BDSM. All I craved was humiliation and pain as these were only coping mechanisms I knew. To take revenge on myself, on my helplessness in past, i chosed a very wrong path. I got into an online BDSM relationship where i sent a stranger my nudes , obeyed his dirty, disgusting orders to get insults, pain and humiliation in return. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but i feel alive in that kind of pain and torture. though am tired of the disgust am filled with but it seems impossible to heal and grow out of it. I Left that relationship within few months , sincerely repented too but what if Allah won’t forgive me for I did such a heinous sin by will. I can’t move on neither can i forgive myself. Am afraid to live , everything scares me , am scared of myself, of the temptations. I know Allah forgives and heals but have lost it all. How do i continue my life? I have no one who can help me. I self harm , I cut myself and seeing my own blood pooling out comforts me. I deserve all the pain but I want to move out of it too. I don’t have any energy left for life what do I do?
Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Assalaamu Alaikum Sister,
This nightmare of being violated in such a horrific manner by your Quran tutor and brother should have never happened to you. You were put in such a horrible position in trying to maintain the love of your favorite Quran teacher and continue your hifz while secretly enduring this torture. And you didn’t have a close enough relationship with your parents to turn to them for relief, help and support. SubhanAllah. May Allah protect you and all children that strive in His path. I cannot emphasize enough that NONE of what happened to you is your fault. The tutor is a pedophile that should be kept away from all children, and you should have been protected from him. Your brother also needs help, and you should have been protected from him as well.
This level of complex trauma that occurs during childhood without active healing and treatment can impact you for the rest of your life. You probably would have never fallen into any of those vices if you didn’t have to cope with the aftermath of such horrific toture. This type of trauma affects people not just physically, but emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, and relationally to say the least. Your brain becomes wired around this trauma and needs trauma focused therapy to help rewire your brain to make healthier connections so that you can find the peace in your life with effective coping mechanisms.
From an Islamic standpoint. Remember you are the chosen one by Allah. Not everyone has the capability to memorize the Quran unless Allah chooses one to do so. And despite your circumstances you were STILL able to accomplish this feat and the Quran guides you to this day. Allah is Just and will take care of your perpetrators. And never forget his Mercy. He alone understands the pain in your heart and suffering you endure. He is all forgiving and all Wise.
So much agency has been taken away from you in your life. You now get to choose to heal and make a better life for yourself. Once you heal from your experiences, improve your mental health and well being, and find purpose & joy in your life again, you will have more control over your ability to practice healthier ways to cope inshaAllah. You are guardian of the Quran and the world needs you. Perhaps Allah has kept you from taking your life for this long because He has given you another chance to love, heal and protect yourself. I know it is so hard to find meaning and purpose in these types of situations. I pray that Allah guides you to your ultimate purpose in this life, grant you the healing you need to fulfill this purpose, fill your life with barakah and enshroud you with His Love & Mercy.
Please follow the links below to find the help and resources you need:
[Pakistan] Suicide & Crisis Hotlines, Domestic & Sexual Violence Helplines & more
https://blog.opencounseling.com/hotlines-pk/
Recovering from Rape and Sexual Trauma
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/recovering-from-rape-and-sexual-trauma.htm
Cutting and Self-Harm
Cutting and Self-Harm – HelpGuide.org
With dua,
Sincerely,
Your Sister in Islam,
Fatima “AH”
Response from your friend at Stones to Bridges:
Assalam alaykum my dear, sweet sister,
My heart is in so much agony to read of your suffering and heartache, I cannot even begin to imagine how much tortuous pain you have carried with you throughout all these years. I wanted to thank you for being brave and sharing your story, it must have been very challenging for you to do so as these are very sensitive topics. In regard to these two people who committed a heinous act against you, you did absolutely nothing wrong. On the day of judgement, you will have a case against them as Allah is never unaware of what we do. As I was reading your post there was one thing that really stood out to me- You are so much stronger than what you think. After everything you went through, past and present, you still manage to hold onto your relationship with Allah and are still here. My dear sister, that is absolutely incredible that you have managed to do so as I feel that most people, if they were in your shoes, would turn away and eventually give up everything altogether. You are strong and extremely resilient, and the fact that you have not gone through with your plans, shows that Allah wants you here. I feel that you have much to offer the world, as I hope that insha’Allah you have many more years ahead of you and I know it may not feel that way now, but I think if you give yourself a chance, you will do amazing things, inshaAllah. You may even be able to help others who have gone through something similar to you. I have heard of stories where people have gone through traumatic experiences as children and later in their adult years they decide to use that to help other people. I would strongly recommend it if it is a possibility that you go through therapy. If we try to deal with things ourselves we will feel overwhelmed and not have the tools we need to improve ourselves. I would also recommend that if you have someone in your life that you trust , you should speak with them, they may even be able to provide assistance in ways that you can’t/feel comfortable doing such as involving the authorities. In situations like this, if this “Quran teacher” has done it to you, it is more than likely he has done it to others as well and it needs to be put to a stop. My dear, sweet sister, if there is one thing you take away from this is that I don’t want you to feel hopeless, I wish I were able to tell you all of this in person as I can see much goodness in you despite you not finding it in yourself just yet. Allah’s Mercy is never far as He tells in surah Zumar, “Say, ˹O Prophet, that Allah says,˺ “O My servants who have exceeded the limits against their souls! Do not lose hope in Allah’s mercy, for Allah certainly forgives all sins. He is indeed the All-Forgiving, Most Merciful.”, (Dr. Mustafa Khattab, The Clear Quran). Never loose hope in Allah and do not lose hope in yourself, suicide is never the answer and as I mentioned earlier you have the ability to keep working to do wonderful things.
My dear, sweet sister, I pray that Allah alleviates you of all of the heavy burden you had to carry, allows you to grow and blossom into a happier, healthier and best version of yourself; and blesses you with the best of this world and the next and enters you into His Jannah Firdous, ameen.
Wishing for you nothing but the best
Your sister in faith.
*If this is an emergency or involves potential harm to yourself or others, please call the National Suicide Prevention Helpline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255) or 911. The information that appears on this website is not meant as replacement for proper care from a mental health provider.*
