parents relationship

Dear Sister, 

Being the eldest sometimes comes with the unfair burden of coming to know your parents’ troubles. It’s not really something that you would have wished to know, but now that you know it, I’m sure it’s hard to see your parents without also remembering the information you have found out.

Infidelity, beyond being a sin in Islam, causes aftershocks in relationships long after the act. I don’t know what caused your father to have an affair. It doesn’t always mean that the relationship has been having trouble, but it could mean that there was a disconnect between your parents even before the affairs entered the picture. Once one partner steps out of the marriage, it’s common for the disconnect to grow wider. It takes a lot of work to heal that rift, and if both parents haven’t committed to healing then it’s impossible.

However, this information doesn’t really answer your question. How does a nearly 18 year old make sense of being in this situation, make decisions about her own life and relationships, and be there for her siblings? I think that might be what you are hoping for in this response. I will do my best to give you some place to start, but ultimately, you will have to answer these questions for yourself. 

1) First, make time for your grief. This is hard information to carry!

2) Questions to ask yourself: 

a) Now that I’ve seen how this relationship between my parents is playing out, what type of values do I have and want to act on in my relationships? (I’m referring to both friend relationships, and romantic ones in the future.) To figure this out, you might want to think about: What makes me disappointed in what my parents did? Why? What makes me proud of them as people? Why? 

b) How do I start practicing living those values now?

c) Are there patterns that exist in my parents’ relationship that I notice myself doing? How do I feel about that? What’s good? What’s something you wish to change? 

The biggest gift that you can give yourself is becoming a better person every day. 

Whenever this information comes out (because it usually does), I hope you have done the work to be a healthier you. Insha’Allah that may also mean that your siblings will have a reliable, responsible person they can look to as they process the information about your parents. 

If you are able to start seeing a therapist to help you with the questions above, then you will have worked through your grief and have healed your heart some and will be able to be even more present for your siblings. The therapist will also be able to help you figure out if it’s safe to have a conversation with your mom about how you feel about carrying this secret.

May Allah guide you through this. 

wa ‘alaykum salam,

Sincerely,

Your Sister in Islam,

Fatima “FM”

1. Salaam sister, 

First of all I am so sorry and can’t imagine how you are feeling and what you are going through. It’s really difficult when someone we thought we knew suddenly shocks us and disappoints us, especially when that person is our parent. It sounds like your parents in general have had their issues with fidelity in the past as well. 

One of the hardest things to watch is seeing those who we deeply love make decisions that we cannot understand and that we believe are wrong. This is affecting important relationships to you – your mother and father – and you understandably can’t see your mother the same way again. It’s very difficult hiding such a big secret from both your mother and father but at the same time it is very difficult revealing it because you know things will change. I do not know all the details of your situation but, if done tactfully, the truth can set you free. Whether you decide to tell her what you found out now, later, or ever, is up to you, but no matter what you are already being forced to create a new relationship with them after knowing this new information. 

Some points to consider: 1) relationships are complicated and there are probably several factors that led to her being where she is now. It doesn’t make it ok or justify anything but extend some grace that she is a fallible human with her own pain and issues. However, she has to learn and grow to be able to make choices with integrity instead of sneaking around. 2) your parents are adults and this is their issue to handle, not yours to worry about. You don’t know what kind of private conversations they have had but as their child it is not your responsibility to, nor will you ever be able to, fix their marriage. Focus on you and making the best version of yourself. 3) if you decide to approach your mother about this, rehearse what you want to say and how you want the conversation to happen. Try to create an honest conversation rooted in respect that you will be proud of when you look back at yourself in 10 years. 4) consider counseling to see how this experience is shaping your expectation of relationships. We learn from our parents and these traumatizing experiences might put us in a cycle where we find ourselves making the same mistakes. Additionally, it can be healing to discuss the emotional pain and baggage you must be carrying from both your parents with the right person. You deserve to have peace. 5) journal how you are feeling. I recommend writing letters to Allah, as it has helped me in the past. This can really help you realize what kinds of emotions you are feeling and how it’s impacting your happiness. 

I pray that inshAllah your parents make changes that are the best for your family. I pray that Allah blesses you with patience and surrounds you with people who love you for the sake of Allah swt.

2. I cannot imagine all the emotions that you must be feeling right now. We hold our parents in a high regard and to see/read something like this, naturally would make you feel a bit differently. I know it’s difficult and may even feel impossible at this moment, but I would recommend that you still try your best in your dealings with your mom. That may even be giving a little bit of some space between you and her, allowing you time to collect your thoughts and emotions, so that in the heat of the moment you don’t get upset and blurt everything out. It is a very hard situation to be in, as in your post you mentioned that both of your parents have cheated on one another. Relationships are messy as it’s two imperfect people trying to come together to make something work. You mentioned as well that you think your mom is noticing your change in behaviour, and you are most likely right. Parents, especially our moms, can usually tell when something is up. With that being said, if this is something you are comfortable doing, once you have given space between the two of you and had time to really think through your thoughts and feelings, I would advise you find a good time/place where it is just the two of you and confide in your mom. Try to remain loving, patient and understanding as it is an extremely sensitive issue. I pray that Allah makes this easy for you and that He allows your family to be together as one, ameen.