Dua

As Salaam Alaikum,

I am so sorry to hear about your struggles with finding a therapist in the Netherlands, and I wish I could provide more assistance in that area, but I am not well-versed in the system, and would not even know where to begin. In the US there are other services such as life coaches, and healers that folks look to, perhaps those might be an option that may not require you to go through the governing system.

Social anxiety is indeed difficult to manage and is uncomfortable in social settings. It is as if you are under a microscope, with everyone else waiting for you to slip up and say something weird and awkward. But it might be good to hear, you are not alone. A lot of people have social anxiety. Social anxiety looks different for people, but can often be described similarly as the experience of having your attention drawn to your perceived flaws, magnifying them and labeling them as not good enough or other negative thoughts and it can make you want to escape and hide from what you might think is shame. However, there are some benefits to having this powerful amount of self-consciousness when your social anxiety is triggered. You have a desire to be empathetic and helpful. You are an excellent listener and try your best to want to get along with others the best you can, even if the anxiety hinders it. Not to mention, you are so aware of your nafs – and taqwa. Therefore bringing you to your next point about dua’a

Dua’a has been described as the essence of worship. The word ‘dua’a’ in Arabic signifies calling or summoning. When making dua’a, we are essentially recognizing our limited capabilities and turning to Allah (SWT), to seek His aid. This beautiful act is a clear demonstration of our dependence on Him, as mentioned in the Quran:

وَقَالَ رَبُّكُمُ ٱدْعُونِىٓ أَسْتَجِبْ لَكُمْ ۚ

And your Lord says, ‘Call upon Me; I will respond to you.’” (40:60)

Dua’a has the potential to alter destinies. While Allah has a divine plan for each of us, dua’a serves as a means by which we can seek His intervention. The Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said:

“The supplication is the essence of worship.” (Jami` at-Tirmidhi 3371)

This highlights the vigor of a sincere dua’a. The nature of this world is such that challenges are inevitable, but with the protection of dua’a, we are equipped with a tool that can help us navigate through the most difficult of times. BUT are our dua’as even accepted? While we may sometimes feel that our prayers are unanswered, it is essential to understand that Allah, in His infinite wisdom, responds in one of three ways:

He grants the specific request and we get exactly what we ask for.
He diverts a harm that was destined for you, meaning maybe there was harm or something that would not be good for you in the dua’a.
He reserves the reward for the hereafter.

فَٱدْعُوا۟ ٱللَّهَ مُخْلِصِينَ لَهُ ٱلدِّينَ وَلَوْ كَرِهَ ٱلْكَـٰفِرُونَ

So call upon Allah with sincere devotion, even to the dismay of the disbelievers. (40:14)

So what can you do? Build up and create a sincere relationship with Allah (SWT) and make sincere dua’a. You can also work on social anxiety while trying to understand the best way for you to find counseling. Here are some suggestions:
First, you may benefit from learning to identify your thoughts and expectations about the social interactions that trigger your fears and your shame. 
How often does this happen?
Has it happened before, in a way that felt as bad as you imagined?
When, and who was present?
You may be able to come up with a plan or a strategy to manage the experience as well as you can, like talking yourself through it in a compassionate but reasonable way. Are your thoughts facts or opinions? Keep a log of your anxieties, exercise, and pray. Continue to recognize your triggers, and try to cope and manage through them. Continue to make sincere dua’a. And inshaAllah, it will be a great start.

Ramadan Mubarak.

Sincerely,

Your Sister in Islam,

Fatima “SD”

1. Salaam dear sister,
Thank you for reaching out and Ramadan Kareem. I wanted to first acknowledge you for taking this step to reach out and to also say you are a fantastic writer. Your post is incredibly well written and it is obvious you have great insight into yourself.

I sympathize with the difficulties you are facing being able to find mental health care. I am not familiar with Norway nor with your financial status but I wonder what kind of private services exist or if you have reached out to your doctor to see what your other options are. In America there are apps that provide online counseling services but I do not know how it works for Norway. At the very minimum it may be worthwhile to search for videos from YouTube on these topics so you can learn more on your own. 

I do not think this was your intention but be aware if your assumptions might be limiting Allah swt for the sake of being realistic. Allah says in Surah An-Najm verse 39-41:

And that there is not for man except that [good] for which he strives. And that his effort is going to be seen. Then he will be rewarded for it with the fullest reward. 

The reality is that we simply do not know what is going to happen but we need to try with good intentions anyway. Trying takes on many different forms. This does not have to mean immediately starting to talk to suitors if your gut is telling you no. But if in your heart you would like to get married one day, you should hold yourself responsible to taking continuous small steps to achieve this goal. This could be something like reading books on marriage, discovering more about what you are and are not looking for in a husband, knowing more about your own strengths and weaknesses in a relationship, discovering your own assumptions about what you think you deserve in a partner, etc. Arguably the most important step is to have an honest conversation with Allah. Even if you do not feel comfortable making dua for marriage to happen, you can ask for Allah to guide you to make the decision and to place someone in your life who will continually help you be a better person. If you can’t find the right words to say, Allah knows what is in your heart. 

You have plenty of time to get married. Have faith in the process. Continue to invoke Allah as a partner with you in this, take your own steps, and trust that inshAllah an amazing path customized from Allah just for you will start to take shape. 

InshAllah wishing you growth, ease, and peace in your journey ahead.



2. Assalam alaykum dear sister,
Before anything, I would like to acknowledge how mature and level-headed you sound in your post. MashaAllah, as I was reading through I really appreciated how you are able to sort through your struggles and figure out where the core issue lies. Social anxiety is one where I am able to empathise with you as I find that it is something that I experience as well. What I find helpful is like you said, “to take small steps forward” but also keep in mind to not apply so much pressure to see change that it becomes overwhelming. Lovingly remind yourself that every little bit counts and that being consistent is key. Keep taking steps, maybe setting little goals like, asking the cashier at the grocery store how they were doing today. It may seem little, but I heard in a video once that every time you do these seemingly small things, you are fighting your anxiety head on. May Allah give you the strength to overcome this, ameen! You can do it! Keep in mind too that big things like anxiety are not an overnight, easy fix. They require time and you may not see changes for awhile but that’s okay, keep moving forward.
This is the part that I really appreciated about your post, how you realize that it’s not enough to just make dua and expect that it’s going to come in your hands, that Allah wants us to do our part as well. There are so many, countless examples in the Quran of people who had to give their effort before Allah gave it to them. From Musa (as) having to strike the sea with his staff, rescuing his people from the pharaoh to Maryam (may Allah be pleased with her) having to shake the date tree, in order to have relief from childbirth. One thing that you mentioned is that you are trying, that is all that Allah wants from us. If you can show your Loving, Caring and Nurturing Master that you are trying to work on it, then you are in a good place, insha’Allah. Allah sees your efforts and knows how hard it is for you. Allah is not asking us to make mountains move, He wants us to show Him that we care enough to struggle in His Path, which to me it sounds like you do.
I also wanted to mention that in your post you asked, how realistic it is for you to ask for a husband and children, when you struggle with this. We ask Allah for all kinds of things like asking for Jannah Firdous (highest level of Paradise), when we take into consideration our faults, weaknesses and struggles, it would be extremely unrealistic for myself, you or anyone to ask Allah for this. However, we show Allah that we are working towards that or whatever it is we are asking and with Allah’s Infinite Love, Knowledge and Mercy, He knows what is best for us.
I ask Allah that he makes your situation easier and blesses you with the most loving, pious husband who is the coolness of your eyes and his and that you both are blessed with wonderful children filled with a love for Allah and His Messenger (saw). Ameen!

3. Salaam dear sister,
I commend you for opening up about your struggles and framing your question about duaa and our relationship with Allah (swt) so well. This topic is one that often crosses our minds, and so by expressing it on this platform, you will be rewarded for those who read it and benefit from the discussion inshaAllah. 

Being able to articulate thoughts and feelings, having the courage to face difficulties head-on, and having self-awareness about one’s struggles are all amazing traits that you have that will– inshaAllah– facilitate your path to mental and spiritual healing and well-being.

It’s understandable to feel discouraged when progress seems slow or elusive despite efforts to push through one’s anxiety. The cycle you described is undoubtedly draining, and when one thinks in only logical terms about the prospects of change when the means are not in one’s favor, hopelessness often creeps in.

Turning to the Quran for inspiration, we notice that the prophet whose story is mentioned most in the Quran is Prophet Musa (peace be upon him). In numerous parts of his life story, Prophet Musa (as) exemplifies the significance of continually seeking Allah’s assistance in every aspect of our lives, regardless of our circumstances. Whether asking Allah to help him with his speech impediment, facing oppression or uncertainty, Musa (peace be upon him) consistently turned to Allah, recognizing Him as the ultimate source of guidance and support.

Everyday, we invoke Allah’s assistance in every aspect of our lives by reciting in Surat Al-Fatihah “..And You Alone we ask for help” (Quran 1:5) during our five daily prayers. The truth is we need Allah. We need Him in every passing second of our lives! As humans, there’s so little that we actually have control over. We need Allah’s will and help to wake up every morning, to be safe from all harm, to walk, talk, breathe, digest and benefit from our food, and for all our internal organs to carry out their functions. If we need Him for what we are not conscious about, likewise, we turn to Him for the things we consciously know that we need. Just like we ask Allah, Ar-Razzaq (the Provider), to give us stable jobs and comfortable homes, we also ask Him to grant us the rizq of healing, personal growth, and a righteous spouse and children. In fact, since making duaa stems from the conviction that none can change our circumstances for the better except Allah (swt), Prophet Muhammad (saw) taught us that it is the essence of ibadah when he said: “Supplication is worship itself.” (Sahih, Sunan al-Tirmidhī 3247)

My dear sister, what you described as making duaa while taking practical steps in the direction of the change you wish to bring about is essentially the definition of tawakkul (trust in Allah’s plan). Having tawakkul means turning to Allah (swt) with our hearts in supplication, while taking action with our limbs. The fact that you mentioned that concept in your question means that you have a proper understanding of how duaa works. Part of tawakkul is also having trust in Allah’s timing, as He alone knows what’s best for us.

As for social anxiety, know that you are not alone. Converse with Allah (swt) and make duaa that He helps you improve. Also, it may be helpful to think about social anxiety as a spectrum that you are trying to move along in the right direction, rather than thinking in binary terms (I have social anxiety, or I do not). Finally, engage in little daily interactions, volunteer at your local masjid, surround yourself with people whose company you enjoy, and read some positive affirmations out loud to yourself. Remember that Allah (swt) sees your efforts, acknowledges your struggles, and will reward you for your patience in these struggles.

May Allah (swt) grant you strength, patience, and ease in overcoming any challenges, and may He bless you with the peace of mind and contentment you seek. Ameen.