My Muslim dad has a stroke that is getting a lot worse and absolutely refuses to receive any medical intervention.
His vision is getting worse, his speech is getting slurred, he is falling a lot lately, and his body is very weak. At first, the stroke was only numbness, but as the months pass, he is getting worse and worse, not to mention he refuses to stop smoking.
He is living with me in the US currently, but now he wants to go back and spend the rest of his life in a Muslim country. He has no money or retirement, so I, a 22 year old female, will have to be the one who provides for him financially forever. I am very anxious, scared, and depressed about this whole thing, and I don’t want know how to help him anymore.
I wanted to call 9/11 at some points, but he says he will never speak with me again if I do because he doesn’t want to get medical help, “especially from American kafirs (sinners)”. He hates medical things in general, but even more the case with non-Muslims. When he had the stroke 6 months ago, he was forcibly taken to the hospital and got diagnosed, but never went through with anything afterwards and got super angry and abusive towards the staff too. I tried everything to convince him to go with medical treatment, but he just refuses and will never listen. I am alone in all this- he has no family or friends around here that can help him at all. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. It’s very painful for me to see him suffering everyday.
A little background is that he also has extreme anger issues and has mentally abused me throughout the years, but I still love him because he is my father and I want to please him and Allah at the end of the day.
Response from a “Fatima Counselor”:
Assalamu ‘alaykum,
One of the hardest things is watching someone refuse help, and though you and your dad have had a difficult past, it seems that you are really concerned about his overall well-being.
Ultimately, we cannot advise you on the “right” way to navigate it. However, we can reflect back the issues at hand and help you think about the implications of each path.
For example:
I’m not very clear about who he would live with if he were to move overseas, and he doesn’t seem to be in good enough health to live on his own. This presents a challenge in navigating this situation.
I can see another tension: If he does move overseas, likely his care will be less expensive, but if there is an emergency you will be far away.
Similarly, if he stays in the US and doesn’t get care, he is at risk of someone calling Adult Protective Services, or a judge taking away his right to make decisions about his own health if a doctor feels like he is essentially committing suicide. Each state is different when it comes to those laws, however, so I would encourage you to consult with a lawyer or social worker in your state to help you figure out how big a risk that is where you live.
I also see that he is struggling with the idea of medical care. I don’t know if he is religious. However, I do know that many scholars consider our bodies a blessing from Allah (swt) that has been entrusted to us. I would imagine that refusing medical care would fall into highly discouraged, or even haram. This isn’t likely something he will accept from you, however, so if he is indeed religious I would encourage you to see if he is willing to ask an imam his questions.
In the end, we cannot really force anyone to get treatment. We can just do our best.
You are taking this on in a way that seems genuine, and it sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed and alone in the process. You’ve had to overcome a lot of pain to find that space in your heart; may Allah reward you for that. I hope you know that every time you serve because of your commitment to Allah, even though it’s hard, it’s a time that you move closer to the ultimate reward in paradise AND, if you find that you have reached the end of your capacity to serve for the pleasure of Allah, it is also okay to take a break, or even stop completely. You see, your body and heart are also a blessing that Allah has entrusted to you. So if you need to take a few steps back from caring for your father to take care of your heart and body, that is okay.
May Allah grant you patience and ease.
wa ‘alaykum salam,
Sincerely,
Your Sister in Islam,
Fatima “FM”
Response from your friend at Stones to Bridges:
Dear sister, May Allah bless you beyond your wildest dreams for the amount of sabr, dedication and care you are showing your father, ameen. I cannot imagine how you must be feeling in this difficult situation.
It saddens me to read that you are alone in this with no family or friends. It made me wonder if your father regularly attended a certain masjid. If he did, maybe the Imam there could help talk to your father about getting medical treatment. Or even if your father had any close friends from the past that could also try and talk to him. I know that sometimes people might react differently if they are hearing a piece of advice from someone else. Lastly, my sister, just as you are taking care of your father, I hope you also remember to care for yourself as well. This is a great act of worship you are doing and know that Allah Sees and is Fully Aware of all of your blood, sweat and tears in caring for your dad. May Allah shower on you His Love and Care in this life, alleviate your father of his illness, and bless you, your father and all of your loved ones with the highest ranks of Jannah, ameen.
