Relationships

Hi there, I’m 19 years old and I just wanna vent about something real quick, I apologize for some of the swearing in what I’ve written, it’s just something I wrote in my notes to get it out there so I wrote in a non formal way:
I’m quite clueless when it comes to romantic love or at least I think I am, I can’t tell if I’m just clueless or mature. Everyone around me is talking to people, dating, like they have some sort of a love life literally every single person around me – siblings, cousins, friends. I almost feel like the odd one out bc I’ve never dated anyone or had much of a love life, no one has ever approached me and I haven’t ever approached anyone, well one time I did for fun but I knew he’d reject me I literally just did it to see what would happen and what it felt like lmao, but yeah I don’t really have a love life bc I wanna do things the halal way but nowadays that seems difficult bc everyone is dating and has relationships. Since I don’t have much experience I feel left out but at the same time I don’t mind being on my own and get annoyed when people complain about their relationships like if your partner really is that shitty then just dump their ass but they always go on about how much they love them and blah blah blah and I always think to myself damn I don’t have the time or energy to deal with that kind of bullshit I wonder how people even date, it seems exhausting. I like how things are done in Islam bc it’s simple and there’s no fuss and stuff, doing stuff the halal way. However sometimes I feel like bc I’ve never experienced romantic relationships I might not ever find love, I have this idea of just finding the one and then getting married but what if I don’t have a soulmate, what if I’m just meant to be alone in this world. I like being on my own but I still want to have that special someone you know, I don’t necessarily need them so it’s more of a want. Idk maybe I’m not fit for relationships, even though I don’t have experience I don’t think I’m clueless bc I’ve seen people stay in bad relationships and I think to myself yeah I could never do that to myself and I also have my own standards and I plan on sticking to them, no matter what I just can’t settle for less, bc I really do believe I deserve someone who’s love for me is pure and authentic, and who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. When I think about marriage I do get a bit anxious bc my parents want me to get married but idk if it’s for me, I can only see myself getting married to someone who meets my standards, and if I don’t find anyone in this world then I guess I’m okay with it, but my parents wouldn’t be they believe marriage should happen eventually. I do wonder tho if I need to lower my standards, once my dad said to me that marriage is about compromise but I also think that if you’re with the right person you won’t have to think about compromise. I don’t know what the future holds but for now I try my best to just put my trust in Allah and let him handle things, but I still overthink about it all sometimes, it’s okay tho bc I always come to the conclusion that Allah is the best of planners so whatever happens, happens.

Assalaamu Alaikum Sister,

Anything good and correct that I say is from Allah, and anything wrong that I mention is from myself. I ask for forgiveness for any shortcomings on my part and I pray that Allah guides me in providing you with direction in this matter that is best for you and your family in this life and the hereafter. Ameen.

When it comes to romantic love or romantic relationships there are many factors to consider especially in the context of the relationships you witness (ie. your siblings, cousins, friends). Young adults and people in general could have numerous reasons for their desire to be in a relationship. From an outside perspective it may seem that people are entering relationships because they found their soulmates, or that it is the next logical step in their life, or from a religious perspective they wish to fulfilling half of their faith. Although these can all be true, often underlying factors could be sexual desire, finding a way to fulfill emotional emptiness or disconnection, seeking external validation, wanting to feel loved, desired, and/or worthy. Not to mention wanting to fit in or having a way to escape their current situation. Typically, these underlying needs (or unmet needs) are strongly impacted by the quality of their relationship with parents or primary caregivers. It is important to note that most people do not realize how much these and other underlying factors impact their desire to be in relationships. Therapy can help illuminate peoples deeper motivating factors by exploring the quality of their relationships with their primary care givers and other loved ones.

Entering romantic relationships do not necessarily equate to finding one’s soulmate or true love. Most people do not get to experience love in the truest sense until later in the relationship. Love is selfless and unconditional. A person will only be able to love another when they have learned to first love themselves unconditionally. Until we have reached this point, we usually bring in a great deal of baggage into the relationship that prevents us from loving and being loved. MOST of us go into relationships not really understanding how it works. But only with empathy, and commitment to working on oneself and the relationship can a couple ensure a healthy, lasting marriage and a deep emotional connection. Soulmates and good relationships do not come ready made. It takes a great deal of work and dedication to establish healthy relationships. So if you are ready to put in the work and it is written for you, then inshaAllah you will have a soulmate in this life and the hereafter. And I completely agree with you that it is important to know your worth and maintain standards when finding a partner. This is completely in line with our Islamic values. When it comes to the matter of compromise, you should never compromise your values or standards, but the term compromise is relevant to marriage/relationships when it comes to disagree about something. There will be many times in a relationship where both partners will want different things, or have different ways of doing something. When this occurs, it is an important skill for partners to be able to listen to the needs of each other, negotiate and compromise until they arrive at a resolution that is acceptable and feels fair to both parties.

Feeling different from everyone can be very difficult and isolating. But your needs can be different and that is okay. Being different does not make you deficient. May Allah reward you for your commitment to Him and wanting to approach relationships the Islamic way. Ultimately, our rizk is set by Allah and yes, He is the best of planners. The loved ones who come into our lives are destined by Him. They are a part of our sustenance. If that is meant for us in the form of a soulmate, friends and/or family we will get what is written for us. No force on earth can take that away and no force on earth can bring that to us if it is not written for us.

Marriage had a different function and purpose in earlier times when it was a financial arrangement, a way to unite or bring peace between families, increase status, etc. For women, it was a source of being financially taken care of especially since many did not have the right to education, work, or means to become financially independent. In recent times, women are marrying for love, fulfillment, companionship and partnership because they are more educated and can financially support themselves if they need to, giving them protection from being stuck in abusive situations. Many are choosing not to marry if they are not finding suitable partners. Some parents may not agree with this route. However, with infidelity and/or domestic violence rampant and divorce rates on the rise at the rates of 40% in the Muslim community, other parents are fully supportive of their children’s choices and only wish safety, happiness and success for their children. May Allah bless us all with loved ones in our lives who are sources of peace, unimaginable joy, and light that illuminates the path towards Allah. Ameen.

Your Sister in Islam,

Afshana Haque, PhD, LMFT-S (Fatima V)
Marriage and Family Therapy Supervisor