is it really that serious tho
salaam, im 13 and just gonna do a vent post but honestly and idek where to start. but I’m pretty sure it did when my parents got a divorce and then just went downhill from there. it was like febuary 28th/march 1st 2017 and I was only 8 and I just tie that day to such a terrible feeling in my heart and honestly no one ever asked how I was or how I felt that this happened or anything I was a little kid, helpless honestly. i remember like a few days before that my mom hugged me and cried and told me that she was sorry and left for a few days but since I was so little I didn’t understand what was happening, after that she came back packed her things and left that same day my dad told me that we were going to visit someone and we met this lady referring to her as onid we met her and talked for a bit then she came to our home where it was supposed to be just me and MY family she comes in at the time I still didn’t understand why my mom left and took her things and it was pretty confusing and I was crying a lot and I didn’t like that onid had the ability to see me undressed and that my dad allowed me. moving on, as she bring more things in it felt like my whole childhood was packed up and threw into a box. things my mom never did she did all of them and the shift of the house changed and everything and i felt it in my siblings too (4 of them). like for instance my mom would never shut her room door she knew that me and my sister would like to play with her and we’d talk with her and things and i remember playing with my sister again and we were on our way to my moms room and the door was shut, we were both confused and stuff but i guess we brushed it off. as time went on that door never opened. that’s just a small thing but at the time it was the biggest heart break for such a little kid. we only got to see our mom 2 days out the week, my perception of time wasn’t that good but for an 8 y/o it felt like ages my mom was going through a lot also but ended up getting her own apartment and i was happy for her and legit didn’t know my parents got a divorce till i was like 9 or 10 but anyways as the years got harder and as i was too scared and remained too myself these disturbing thoughts would come. firstly i thought it was my fault that they got a divorce and i have thought that for the longest time. but i was like 9 and onid was not the best. she was nice and all in the beginning but then she started to be mean to my siblings and i hated it. she would always yell at me and then her daughter moved in and it was just all too much for a kid. and then i’d always think every bad thing that happened was my fault and i would want to hurt myself for it and onid would just blame it on the hormones but iw as genuinely hurting inside. that same year we went to visit our grandparents and onid had the nerve to be pregnant. when the baby was born i had too much responsibility for a 10/yo and it was again all to much, that following summer (2018) is when it really started to get worse. i had got my period and so many others happened and its also when i started cutting myself wanting to run away and even the slightest bit want to die. onid was not helping one bit and honestly just made things worse and my dad didn’t even care fr everything was always my fault and i was always the smart but lazy disappointment kid and i heard that all just a bit too much and i was tired of it everything was always me onid always had a problem with me she always said i had an attitude and “shes going thru her phase of hating me”. its also when i had to start praying and that just made it harder because i was cutting myself left and right every yell and disappointing thing i heard even when i was bored just cut after cut and i would bang my head on the walls and i would cry for hours and at the time i didn’t know what happened to me but it felt like my lungs were getting pulled into a black out and someone was stepping on my chest and i couldn’t breathe and i kept hyperventilating and i wanted to die all at the same time it just hurt so much all of it hurt so much. i don’t remember how the days connected but after that i came downstairs one day and my dad at the time only really expressed his disappointment in me for failing school because honestly i had no urge to do well in school anymore it just didn’t feel the same but he says to me mind you I’m still 10,”wow _name_ your boobs are getting too big” and he imphaises but squeezing his chest. that just, that left a mark i didn’t understand why he said that i just laughed it off. we moved out the that house later on the cutting didn’t nessicarily stop tho but i did it much less because i did find out that i was harraam and as my coping mechanism it felt terrible knowing Allah hated such a thing. it was still so hard to pray still and the thoughts of wanting to kill myself didn’t stop either and one day they became so strong i tried to drown myself in the bathroom tub but it didn’t work i tried over and over and over but i would just cough up water and come back up later that night i realized i didn’t want to do this anymore i didn’t want to feel like this and i just wanted the relationship i had with my mom back and with my dad and i wanted his time back and all he did was worry about his babies with onid and basically disregard me and only wanted me to take care of them and it honestly made me want to kill myself again and its just all too much again. it’s 2020 now and i haven’t cut since June 2019 and i was honestly proud of myself but at the same time it felt like i was growing in my own sorrow. fast forward to that summer of 2020 i lost one my best friends and i actually relasped and hated myself for it but i was now too tired to care anymore about anything i was just sleep everything away that’s the only way i dealt with the pain and guilt and pressure to do well and it was all just so much it was so suffocating as a kid and no one noticed my dad only suspected once and asked if i had depression but worried that id get in trouble i just said no, everything was always negative with him. I’m 12 now(2020) and i developed this, this thing that i would randomly gasp for air, and my self esteem was so low and i was so overweight and i honestly just hated myself and sometimes would get mad at myself that my attempt didn’t work. my dad tried and i appreciate him for that its not like he ever abused me or anything and i would think nothing ever happened to me so why do i feel like this why. also my stepdad would give me the creeps my mom once bought me a jacket and was like laughing that i couldn’t fit it bc my boobs were too big and she was telling my stepdad”yea shes way bigger than her older sister” and he was like wow really and i just felt disgusting someone i didn’t even know its just i hated it. anyways November my dad is worried that i keep gasping and takes me to the doctors and honestly instead of helping me that made me hate myself even more i was acknowledged that i weight 170lbs at 12 i felt disgusting and the doctor thought it was linked to anxiety tick and told my dad i should get a therapist and i was so excited and scared at the same time that i would be able to breathe or something like breath of fresh air. that never happened i vented to him a little bit about my weight and things and he just called his friends and helped me get on a diet. that December i went and the doctors there said my weight was off the charts and i was at the verge of being obsese and also my period wouldn’t come and i wasn’t praying and that just stressed me out and that feeling came back to cut it was so strong and honestly i should’ve but i didn’t. they said i need too lose weight and that i cant keep doing this and i was fat yatata i hated them for that. march 18th 2021 was the day that i really really wanted to kill myself and i wanted to stop the suffering so badly, like honestly the doctors were commenting on every little things my cuts didn’t scar and they were literally all gone i wasn’t praying i was barely being Muslim and i had the worst panic/anxiety attack of my life i felt like i was drowning, falling, suffocating all the the same time and i couldn’t breathe and every breath there was this sharp pain in my chest and it was all too much. after that day i didnt want to hear it anymore and i didnt eat for weeks and it continued and no one was concerned i mean they said i needed to anyways and it felt just like cutting accept my stomach was the one being tortured and all i got were compliments honestly i went back in june and i only had lost 20 pounds which wasn’t enough bc i was only 158 and i didnt eat and it felt great honestly besides the passing out my hair falling out and being cold 24/7 it was amazing onid only was worried bc my dad bring it up but it was fine honestly. and i still wasn’t praying it was so hard and i tried to repent and start fresh but i would just end up back sleeping thru all my classes and never eating honestly i didnt deserve to eat is what i thought and still do think. i needed to drop the pounds my weight cant be off the charts it needs to be under to something it was just a lot. i ended up relasping again in may the urge was too strong again in june and in july not august but it was left and right it felt like a relief i didnt have to hold myself to a standard anymore.. but as much as i didnt eat i was still so fat and i hated myself for it. my dad told me that i was going to a knew Islamic school(that’s where i got this link from) and i wasn’t very happy about it and i think i ended up relasping again bc now i was pressured to only do so good bc that disappointment chant is so overwhelming and no one ever helped me it was just all to much. but again i still tried so hard to fight the urges and pray and literally survive at this point and i was/am only 13. school started and i had intense pressure bc i recently came out of a depressive episode so i was tired but kind ve excited fast forward, in this school we do duas in the morning to start us off for the day there’s a tutor that helps us with math and wee do Qu’ran and as we started doing more duas and started praying together i felt a weight lift off my chest it was getting easier to pray again and stuff but then it came crashing down again and i relasped. i was gaining weight going up and down nd up and downing and those thoughts of killing myself and the disappointment and how all of it was my fault i just relapsed and i couldn’t even stop it. the more weight i lost my period came back tho. its October i don’t remember much from that month but i was hard aswell i was still gaining weight and i had relapsed like 4 times already i wasjust disappointing myself. but my grades were high and for the first time my dad said he was proud of me it was like all the fighting and drowning and suffering and limping and starving was worth it because he’s proud of me, i did it. i made him proud. but as time went on we get out of school at 5pm and don’t get home till 5:30pm and the pressure started piling up i was getting bad bad bad headaches and terrible migrains and the thoughts are back and i would sleep in school and i relasped again and i kept losing and gaining weight and all onid had to say is that I’m lazy or that i was doing enough or that every normal kid does this. but the stress was overbearing and I’m just so scared for my grades to drop again nd I’m so scared for that disappointed look in my dads face and the relationship i grew with the teachers for them to be disappointed it was just all so much and since i only got to see my mom on the weekends onid would get so toxic and it would only be Monday and everyday id come home and cry everything was so much and she’d just take my phone and then id not eat for days then shed be so called worried and its getting hard to pray again and i literally relasped again yesterday and those bad headaches are back and its like I’m hanging on by a strand and i don’t eat for days AND I STILL GAIN WEIGHT and it’s so terrible and i have another doctors appointment in a few days or something and that just makes me no want to eat more because what normal 13 yo weights 137. all my classmates are 125 and below and its just so much stressed and onid doesn’t even care not that id expect her too all her so called caring is fake and i hate being in this house it’s all so toxic and overwhelming and i barely get to talk to my friends bc we arent allowed to use our phones at school and its just. I’m so tired and i honestly truly do not want to do this anymore.
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Assalaamu Alaikum Sister,
I want to start by addressing your feelings about your struggles potentially not being serious. Everything you mentioned in your post extremely serious and should be taken as such. You have been through so much pain in such a short period of time that it is unfair and I pray you will receive the appropriate mental healthcare to help you and your family heal. I am glad you reached out and your level of articulation confirms how incredibly intelligent you are. The best I can do in this particular forum is to acknowledge and validate you pain, point you to some resources, encourage your family to find a family therapist, and outline how a therapist could potentially help you.
Second, I want to make clear that you are perfect and deserving of unconditional love as you are. And even when you make mistakes Allah loves you because He is the most Merciful and the most Loving. It is a tragedy that the medical doctors you visited dismissed your hardships and only focused on your weight and made you feel even worse. It is clear that much of what others have pointed out as your “wrong doings” were only ways that you were trying to survive all of the pain in your life in the best way that you knew how.
Having to deal with such challenges during your critical years of development can feel like unending torture and lead to hopelessness. But I pray that my response will offer you hope as I am confident that with professional help you can feel infinitely better and lead a life that is worth living. Finally, before I dive into each of the issues you bring up, I am impressed by your level of faith in Allah, your desire to do what pleases Him and the strength and healing you feel when connected to him.
You mentioned that you feel much of your issues started when your parents divorced in 2017. The process of divorce in any circumstance is a heart wrenching experience for all members involved, especially children. Unfortunately, navigating the divorce process with children can be very complex and most parents are not taught how to handle it in an emotionally affirming and healthy way. It sounds like your parents’ divorce was shocking and traumatic for you especially because your mom disappeared for a bit and you never had a chance to process what happened. Furthermore, adjusting to a stepfamily constellation is challenging and with proper guidance and education can help the process go smoother no matter how long it has been. You mentioned having less time with mom and dad, living with a new older step-sister, new baby, and instances of discomfort with both step parents. All of these experiences can be emotionally taxing and without appropriate care, support, and teaching emotional regulation, children can develop maladaptive coping mechanisms such as self harm, suicidal ideation, eating disorders, and low self-worth in addition to depression and anxiety. Surviving and Thriving in the Step Family relationship is one of my favorite books for navigating the stepfamily experience and maybe helpful to you: https://www.stepfamilyrelationships.com/
As mentioned above, self-harm is a physical way to cope with emotional pain when it becomes unbearable. I pray that Allah eases the pain in your heart and helps you find ways to not only cope with your emotional distress but to resolve the source of pain. Here are some excellent resources that can teach you more about self-harm and how to find healthier coping mechanisms.
https://www.crisistextline.org/topics/self-harm/#what-is-self-harm-1
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/anxiety/cutting-and-self-harm.htm
The constant criticism and blame you received from your caregivers is something that impacted you deeply and resulted not only in low self-esteem but also insecurities about your physical appearance. You must work to see validation only from within. Nobody knows you heart and intentions except for you and Allah so how can you expect that the judgement of your worth by others will be accurate? Comparing yourself to others will also only increase your distress and decrease your self esteem so focus on learning to love, accept and appreciate yourself rather than wasting your energy on comparisons.
https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/self-esteem.html
Often time eating disorders are a form of control because the rest of your life may feel out of your control. I highly recommend seeing a mental health professional that specializes in eating disorders that can help you with the underlying depression and anxiety as well as the tense family dynamics that is contributing to your unhealthy eating patterns. Being mal-nourished and/or dehydrated only intensifies mood instability, emotional distress, hormonal imbalances and migraines. If your periods are not regular a really good gynecologist can help you rule out more life threatening issues and help you regulate any hormonal issues. Below are some links related to eating disorders as well as free helplines that can guide you to treatment and resources:
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/eating-disorders/eating-disorder-treatment-and-recovery.htm
https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/help-support/contact-helpline
Panic attacks and Anxiety attacks can be the result of all the emotions you have been holding on to without any outlets to process them. It sounds like you also have limited access to people who can support, validate and provide comfort. Until you can work with a mental health professional, focus on relaxation techniques, surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself (friends, teachers etc) and lean on your spirituality and the comfort you gain from prayers and duaa. The article below discusses in detail possible ways to calm and agitated nervous system and manage a panic attack.
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/stress/relaxation-techniques-for-stress-relief.htm
https://blog.zencare.co/anxiety-5-4-3-2-1/
Your suicide attempts and continued ideation illustrate your hopelessness and desperate pleas for connection with your caregivers. Know that you are loved and valued even if it is not being expressed to you the way you need it and Family therapy can be extremely helpful in guiding your caregivers in how to meet you needs and decrease the amount of pressure on you. You are absolutely too young to carry the responsibility of caring for your younger brother and sisters. If you even need to speak with someone at any time you can safely and anonymously reach out to the suicide hotline:
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
In addition to all the heartache and complications you have experienced, your also lost your best friend. I cannot imagine how you were able to carry on. It is important to process your grief with a professional so that you can learn how to adapt your life around this painful loss. Read the article below for some guidance on ways to process grief in a healthy way.
https://www.washington.edu/counseling/resources-for-students/healthy-grieving/
Your fathers willingness to find help for you is encouraging and I hope you can speak to him (or show him this post) about receiving appropriate mental healthcare. Therapy can help improve family dynamics and help you navigate and cope with all of the painful experiences you have gone through. Also, I hope you find a way to connect to your mother more often as she seems to be a source of comfort for you. Talking to your mother is not a privilege it is a right. You should always have access to her.
Allah has kept you alive for a reason. I pray that you find that reason and continue to seek help from Him. Remember, when you walk to Him He will run towards you regardless of how many mistakes you have made. May Allah grant you the strength you need to overcome the obstacles in your life, help you love and accept yourself and bring you healing and support from unimaginable sources. Ameen.
Sincerely,
Your Sister in Islam,
Afshana Haque, PhD, LMFT-S (Fatima V)
Marriage and Family Therapy Supervisor
