Concerned Parent

I am a parent posting this on behalf of my 12 year old daughter. I saw some alarming stuff on my child”s phone today. About two months ago I discovered that my daughter was having sexual conversations with a boy, needless to say I was upset we addressed the issue and it appeared to stop. Today I found text that were even more heart breaking she has been texting a female and now says that she is a lesbian and loves this girl on her text to the other girl. I have found homosexual tic tocks on her page. After questioning her she could not deny that she has been texting a girl and telling her that she loves her. I don’t know what else to do, I try to remind her of Allah, I try to set a good example of how a Muslim should behave but she is strongly influenced at her school and from her peers. Please advise me on what I can do to save my daughter, I will never agree to her being a homosexual and I want to remove her from my home. She is causing me so much grief and this type of behavior is sick.

Assalamwalyakum sister.

I want to start with the dua that I hope what I write will be of benefit and may Allah (swt) continue to send the ultimate help, peace and serenity to you and your family.

Firstly, I wanted to acknowledge the extent of your love and care for your daughter. A parent’s love is greater than an ocean, deep and indescribable. With love so powerful comes expectations. We expect our dearest ones to follow paths we have imagined for them. It’s the assumed certainty that our children will follow the stories we have created for them.

Parenthood is one of the most fulfilling and most difficult tasks in this life. And what no one says about parenthood (like life), the only certainty is uncertainty. Often the test is not the difficulty itself. It is how we react to it. Allah (swt) designed dunya this way as a reminder of how little our control actually is. Your reaction is from a place of tremendous love and concern.
The only entity who can love your child more than you is Allah (swt), the All Loving and Most Merciful. In multiple narrations, Allah (swt)’s Rahma or Mercy is greater than a mother’s for her child.
Both you and your child are Allah’s creations. That in and of itself makes you both worthy of His love. Other narrations emphasize how we cannot expect mercy from Allah (swt) if we do not show mercy towards His creation. That includes mercy and love towards your child.
Maintaining that mercy and love will help you continue to hold onto and grow your relationship with your daughter and her relationship to the deen.

As difficult and painful as this might be, I want to remind you of 3 certainties.

Your love for your daughter has not and will not change. You need your daughter as your daughter needs you in different ways. The more we push our kids towards one way, they often move the exact opposite other way. It has nothing to do with you being a “bad parent”. You have and continue giving your all to your child. However, unproductive anger and threatening to remove her from home may end in more damage than benefit. You may end up losing the relationship with her altogether. This will ultimately result in pain and devastation for both of you. It will also move your daughter away from Islam because she will attribute how deen was the cause of losing her family. I urge you to continue loving her. There is a strong risk that if you isolate from her, it may hurt her health leading to higher risks of depression, anxiety and even suicide.

Your daughter is young. This age is known as a time of exploration. For many kids, this is the time where they start thinking about who they are and their identity in the world. It changes a lot throughout their youth. It’s also a time when kids need their parents more than ever to keep the doors open. I suggest continuing conversations where you show patience and love towards your daughter without trying to change her. Listen to her calmly and without judgment. Hear her concerns and point of view. Most of all, I recommend continuing to give her love. She is still your child despite change.

This situation is a test for both of you. Remind yourself that the hardest of tests are often unseen and specially tailored for us. Allah (swt) put this test in your life for a reason and perhaps for lessons to be learned by both you and your daughter. During difficult times, both you and your daughter need support. I would recommend considering counseling services for both you and your daughter if tensions continue to run high. It may be an immense resource of more specific support and understanding for both of you.

I will also recommend an incredible post written from Aug 9th, 2021 on our blog written by Dr. Afshana Haque. I will attach the link here: https://www.stonestobridges.org/2021/08/09/bisexuality/

May Allah (swt) continue to help our kids and help us be the best parents we can be which is unconditionally loving, supportive and giving. May Allah continue to bring light, patience and guidance into your relationship with your daughter. May we have the best of this world and the hereafter. Ameen.

Sincerely,
“Fatima FA”