Transgender daughter
Asalamualkum I have a daughter who says she is transgender I firmly believe she has rapid onset gender dysporia due to peer influence bc I swear as a child and early teen I saw nothing she loved dolls and her pink dresses and dressing up for eid but then I sent her to a feminist school with LGBQt students I didn’t know my daughters iman would be weak as She had Mashallah a good Islamic upbringing but I was wrong she now at 17 ran away from home has come back with a lot of begging and now wants to run away again and join the military we r at our wits end I mean we have and r pray so much for the r past 6 months but it doesn’t seem to be getting better she also suffers from anxiety and depression a part of me wants no part in all this bc I have other children younger to think about but I cannt seem to let go I want her to come back but ofcourse as any Muslim parent to not be so open about her gender preference it’s like she wants to flaunt it to the world and that hurts the most I believe I am lost she won’t go to a Muslim therapist and has received therapy from others during her stay out and still continues to do so I have no say on her life or anything I am just an observer
I am tired of crying and begging
Assalaamu Alaikum Sister,Anything good and correct that I say is from Allah, and anything wrong that I mention is from myself. I ask for forgiveness for any shortcomings on my part and I pray that Allah guides me in providing you with direction in this matter that is best for you and your family in this life and the hereafter. Ameen.
As difficult and scary as this revelation might be for you, remember that she is still the same daughter you have always loved. The only thing that is certain about parenthood is how little control we actually have over our children. Only Allah is the controller of hearts. Also, the more, as parents, we try to push our children in one direction the more they tend to go in the opposite.
I’m sure you are overwhelmed right now but crying and begging only hurts the both of you. Especially because you have younger children, it is important that you preserve your own mental health. Take comfort in knowing that cutting your teen off is not your only option for mental peace. Even though things feel hopeless and rocky now, there is always potential for improved relationship in the future. In order to increase those chances it is important that you do not disconnect from your teen.
Open and honest communication is important and key. If you want to increase the likelihood of influence and connection in the lives of your children as they continue to grow older then you have to maintain a respectful connection. Disconnecting would only reduce the chances of potentially having any Islamic influence in their lives. Here are 5 things to remember when you approach your daughter:
- Have an open and honest conversation about how you feel and any fears you may have for her without the intention of changing her mind. The moment our children sense we are trying to change them they will shut us out.
- After respectfully sharing your thoughts, fears, wishes, hopes etc., listen to your childs feelings, wishes, hopes and fears as well. Do not criticize, or insult, but rather listen with curiosity about your teen’s struggles. Seek clarification and understanding. Sometimes as parents we think worst case scenario.
- Do not push your teen in any direction. Sometimes pushing our children towards a certain path increases the likelihood of them doing something they may not have done if they were left alone. Do NOT increase the risk of your teen rebelling for the sheer reason that their autonomy was taken away. This is human nature.
- Most importantly, establish a support network for yourself and/or seek therapy. Managing you own anxieties and fears will help you maintain conversations with your teen in a calm manner rather than lashing out at her which may push her further away.
- Focus on what you can control. Focus on the other aspects of the deen and your relationship with her that will continue bringing her heart closer to Allah and leave the rest in His hands. The tighter we try to hold on to our teens the faster they run. Allah said that the only thing She will never forgive is Shirk. Many Muslim teens will leave Islam because of the lack of love and support from parents/community. Focus on what is important: that she stays alive, that she stays relationally close to you and that she is not driven away from Islam.
Take comfort in the fact that your daughter, from what it appears from your post, has a strong Islamic upbringing. Trust in how you raised her and that she will make the best decision for herself Insha’Allah. Again, do the things that you have control over: continue to make dua’a for your daughter, and pray that Allah guides your family during this challenging time. Most importantly, always be a source of unconditional love for your teen. I cannot emphasize the importance of this. There is a high risk for suicide in teens who identify with the LGBTQIA+ population and especially in those who are isolated.
May Allah protect our children, may He help us be the best parents to them: a source of unconditional love, support and guidance. May He guide them, keep them safe from the harm of others, from any unintentional harm that we may inflict upon them, and from harming themselves. May He forgive us all for our shortcomings, grant us the highest place in Jannah, and reunite us with our loved ones. Ameen.
Your Sister in Islam,
Afshana Haque, PhD, LMFT-S (Fatima V)
Marriage and Family Therapy Supervisor
