endless worries and doubts make praying miserable for me

dear fatima,
i’m a 19 yo female who used to never pray often, but in the last few months due to sudden guilt and anxiety i began praying five times a day. ideally this wouldn’t be too difficult for me, after all it should only take up 20-30 minutes of my day total, but ever since i started praying regularly i’ve been overwhelmed with worries about the validity of my wudu, prayer, ghusl, and more. this is only worsened by the fact that much of what i thought i knew about prayer and ghusl and purity ended up being wrong, so now whenever i have doubts i take them very seriously.
i worry about praying and all the rituals i have to complete leading up to prayer from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to bed. it also seems that every time i look things up on the internet to confirm or disprove one of my doubts, im only introduced to vague/contradicting answers or more things to worry about or i find out that i’ve been doing something incorrectly this whole time and i need to learn how to do it the correct way. too often in the last few weeks i’ve ended up breaking down crying due to the mental stress of all this, especially while praying.
i have several different doubts and worries, some more valid than others, but the one that’s been plaguing me most recently are my issues with pronunciation. every time i look up how to pronounce one letter correctly in a surah, i find ten other things ive also been mispronouncing or outright been saying incorrectly. i’ve been trying to keep track of every new thing i learn so i can do things the correct way, and i tell myself i’m still learning, but it’s impossible to remember how to say everything correctly during prayer and i end up making several mistakes that i dont realize until it’s too late. i know salat is invalidated when you make big mispronunciations and you’re supposed to start over, but i avoid redoing prayers as much as i can because the added stress of repeating them only makes me more prone to mistakes.
in short, i am exhausted and drained and miserable. every time i find a solution to one problem ten new ones pop up, i can’t enjoy my daily life anymore because i feel like there’s too much for me to be worrying about. even when im on my period and i dont have to pray i feel oddly guilty and unable to relax. one prayer takes about an hour of my mental energy from beginning to end, and in all honesty im not sure why i’m praying if it’s only going to end up invalidated in one way or another through my mistakes. it often feels like there’s a lot of fine print under the simple command of praying five times a day. i am not looking for an exact solution, but i’ve always found your words comforting so i’m sending this vent piece out. thanks.

Assalaamu Alaikum Sister,

Anything good and correct that I say is from Allah, and anything wrong that I mention is from myself. I ask for forgiveness for any shortcomings on my part and I pray that Allah guides me in providing you with direction in this matter that is best for you and your family in this life and the hereafter. Ameen.

Your question is similar to a previous concern we received in the past so my response will also be similar. In your particular situation, I am wondering where this sudden guilt and anxiety came from, and believe that processing these thoughts with a mental health professional will be helpful. Addressing your struggle spiritually along with therapy may be helpful as well. I want to preface everything I say with that fact that I am not an Islamic scholar but have had my response checked by scholars to make sure I did not say anything Islamically inappropriate.

I understand that our goal as Muslims is to worship Allah in the best way possible. However, if perfection of your worship is bringing you exhaustion, misery, then I would encourage you to challenge your thoughts by asking yourself is this thought bringing me closer to Allah or is this thought bringing me further away from Allah. The result of our worship if done in the proper balance should bring us peace in our life, not misery.

When analyzing your thought process, if the thoughts are bringing you away from Allah we are told that these thoughts can come from the whispers of shaytan. Also remined yourself that Allah does not expect us to be perfect. If we were perfect than there would be no need for some of greatest attributes of Allah: Ar Rahman (The Merciful) and Ar Raheem (The Compassionate). Why are we expected to start every action with Bismillah ArRahman ArRaheem? Not only to remember Him and to keep our intentions clear, but to also remind us of His compassion and mercy. Not only does Allah not expect us to be perfect but he expects us to be forgetful and falter! The Arabic word for human is ‘insan’ which is derived from the word nasiya which means to forget.

So before making wudu or praying, take deep breath until you are relaxed (or engage in any other relaxing activity), remind yourself of His mercy and compassion and tell yourself any mistakes I make will be forgiven and that any struggle will be rewarded. And attribute the worries, fears and need for perfection to the pull of shaytan to steer you away from the worship of Allah. Also remember an imperfect act of worship is infinitely better than not worshipping at all.

Our approach to the worship of Allah needs to be balanced like that of the 2 wings of a bird; where the left wing should be fear and the right wing hope. When these two wings are balanced the believer will soar. It seems right now your wing of fear of making mistakes is much greater than then wing of hope for His mercy. This fear is keeping you stuck in the inability to worship the way you want to. Therefore, focus on the hope in His mercy and forgiveness as much as you can until you feel balanced again and can push forward. If this is difficult on your own, as mentioned above, therapy, medication, life style changes, and relaxation techniques may help inshaAllah. I pray that Allah reminds us all of His hope and mercy, that He frees you from worry and fear, and makes it easy for us to worship Him. Ameen. We are not the ones who are perfect nor will we ever be, but He is.

Your Sister in Islam,

Afshana Haque, PhD, LMFT-S 

Marriage and Family Therapy Supervisor