Marital Rights
Dear Fatima,
I have a concern regarding the boundaries between parents, in-laws, and spouse as they relate to rights of marriage. I know that one of the number one reasons for divorce is the interference of in-laws, aside from financial and emotional/physical concerns of the couple. When basic rights are not being met in the marriage, how can we expect the foundation of the house to be strong? It is the duty of the husband to caretake , or be a Qawwam, of the wife according to the Qur’an. If he is not working, is it considered an adulterous or non-Ja’z (non-obligatory) marriage? For women to expect to have to both maintain the home, children, cooking, and then work outside of the home to support the house financially is asking too much in my mind. It is not the fardh of the wife to be a breadwinner. If she so chooses to for social or personal/academic reasons like being a doctor, lawyer, or any other specialty that allows her the ability to pursue her career without weakening the internal home structure, than that is allowed. Her finances are to be charity if she decides to pitch in to the marital home economically. Living in the modern context, everything is more nuanced and it is often expected that there should be a two-income home. What can a woman during this pandemic do if she chooses to work at home remotely and her husband or in-laws are calling her lazy for not working outside of the home like the spouse to provide. Or in case the husband is sick or disabled and not able to work, what steps can the wife take outside of social services or deciding to take a Khula for her own health reasons. In that case, the wife may decide to move back in with her elderly parents to offer support to them in their older age and give company of the grandfather/mother to the children. These situations are becoming more common, and separation is usually the resort when the wife chooses not to take care of her in-laws in that situation, since it is not even her fardh to do so. It is the fardh or obligation of the spouse to take care of his own parents, while the same for the daughter it is expected that Jannat is at the feet of our parents. How can one resolve the issues between the homes in this case? Jazaakum Allahu khayran
Salaam Sister,
Thank you for reaching out! It sounds like you have a lot of responsibilities, from finances, to taking care of your in-laws, to managing the household and children, and your efforts are being minimized or dismissed. It can be especially frustrating to be called lazy while you’re balancing all these responsibilities, and it feels like your partner is not contributing to any of them.
From what you’ve written, it appears that the root issue is from communication about your roles. As a wife in Islam, you are entitled to certain rights in your marriage that your husband must fulfill. “And they (women) have rights (over their husbands) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable” (Quran 2:228).
If you feel like your husband is not fulfilling these rights, it is important to establish open communication with him. If you feel like he should make more of an effort taking care of his parents, you should calmly explain to him that while you love your in-laws, it becomes overwhelming to add that to your long list of responsibilities. If you feel like you are carrying the household financially, discuss ways in which your husband can contribute, whether it’s helping with the kids or other tasks. It’s important not to belittle him, especially because being unable to financially provide for the family is a sensitive issue that people feel ashamed about.
You mentioned the options of a Khula or separation. If you have attempted to communicate with your husband and you are unable to reach a compromise, these possibilities can be explored. It is important to protect your wellbeing as well as your children’s and staying in this situation may not be best for you. However, the first step should be open communication to establish roles, responsibilities, and reasonable expectations with your spouse. Marriage and running a household requires a team effort from both partners.
Sincerely,
Your sister in Islam
“Fatima SK”
Salaam sister,
It sounds like you have been doing a lot of reflecting on marriage and the ways it is working and not working for the people in your life. As you know there are principles and then there are ways that principles are put into practice. Unfortunately, all of us fall short of the ideal, and many of us live our lives in ways that are very different than the principles and values we hope to live up to.
We can’t legislate our way into good behavior. In other words, more rules won’t make us act with kindness or mercy or wisdom. Learning to act in line with our higher self and our inner wisdom is the realm of the heart.
Perhaps you can use your passion for this topic to start something in your area that would help build support within your community for people striving to live better each day. After all, we all need a companions on the path.
Wsalaam
Your sister in Islam
“Fatima FM”
