I’m a Bad Muslim Looking for Guidance

Today is the day of Arafah for me and I met up with a boy and we kissed a lot and did things of that sort. I did not fast today, and I sinned very badly knowing today was the day of Arafah where your sins are erased for the past year and the next year. I feel so horrible, i feel disgusting I shouldn’t have done it and i knew i shouldn’t have done it before i did it. please guide me, what can I do, i know i can repent, but i dont feel that is enough for me to be forgiven, i feel disgusting, shameful, and sinful, and feel like I don’t deserve anything, please help. I am not even talking to the boy anymore.

Salaam sister,

First of all, take a deep breath. The fact that this bothers you so much means you have strong faith. If you were truly a “bad Muslim” like you describe yourself, you wouldn’t care this much about what happened. 

Now I’m not saying what you did was fine. You know it isn’t. Still, even if you don’t feel it, repentance is the answer. I know, it seems too good to be true. But Allah swt is merciful, as we remind ourself before every Surah. Dismissing that quality, underestimating His forgiveness, is also a sin. Make sincere repentance, mean it from the bottom of your heart. And take steps to keep this from happening again. 

There’s a Hadith that says: 

“Have taqwa (consciousness/fear) of Allah wherever you may be, and follow up a bad deed with a good deed which will wipe it out, and behave well towards the people.” Tirmidhi

People have always made mistakes. But what righteous people do instead of wasting time beating themselves up about it, is to learn from the mistake and continue striving to be a better person. Follow your bad deed with not just one good deed, but as many as you can and InshaAllah it will be erased. 

Additionally, think of this as a blessing. Use what you’re feeling right now to fuel you. If you’re lazy about prayer or fasting in the future, remember that you (like the rest of us) have a lot to make up for. Let this be your turning point with newfound motivation to get closer to Allah swt. May Allah swt forgive you, keep your faith strong, and give you many many more days of Arafah. 

Your sister in Islam,

“Fatima SK”