Bisexuality
I am struggling with my teenage son. He has always been such a smart child. He’s always been against anything that goes against our religion. But last year I faced a nightmare when I discovered that my boy is having conversations with friends telling them that he’s bisexual (he’s never had sexual relationships). His dad and I have tried everything and every method to help him through this confusion, but he seems to be locked on the idea. Please help me.
Assalaamu Alaikum Sister,
Anything good and correct that I say is from Allah, and anything wrong that I mention is from myself. I ask for forgiveness for any shortcomings on my part and I pray that Allah guides me in providing you with direction in this matter that is best for you and your family in this life and the hereafter. Ameen.
As difficult and scary as this revelation might be for you and your husband, remember that he is still the same son you have always loved. The only thing that is certain about parenthood is how little control we actually have over our children. Only Allah is the controller of hearts. Also, the more, as parents, we try to push our children in one direction the more they tend to go in the opposite.
The biggest worries that Muslim parents have for their children is their fate in the afterlife, in addition to how they fare in this world. Take comfort in the reality that Allah’s Rahma surpasses our own. If you cannot imagine plunging your devout son into the Hell fire then why would He?
Open and honest communication is important and key. Closeness to your child is key. If you want to increase the likelihood of influence and connection in the lives of your children as they grow older then you have to maintain a respectful, loving, and close connection. Here are 5 things to remember when you approach your son:
- Have an open and honest conversation about how you feel and any fears you may have for him without the intention of changing his mind. The moment our children sense we are trying to change them they will shut us out.
- After respectfully sharing your thoughts, fears, wishes, hopes etc., listen to your son’s feelings, wishes, hopes and fears as well. Do not criticize, or insult, but rather listen with curiosity about his struggles. Seek clarification and understanding. Sometimes as parents we think worst case scenario.
- Do not push him in any direction. Sometimes pushing our children towards a certain path increases the likelihood of them doing something they may not have done if they were left alone. Do NOT increase the risk of your child rebelling for the sheer reason that their autonomy was taken away. This is human nature.
- Establish a support network for yourself and/or seek therapy. Managing you own anxieties and fears will help you maintain conversations with your son in a calm manner rather than lashing out at him which may push him further away.
- Focus on what you can control. Focus on the other aspects of the deen and your relationship with him that will continue bringing his heart closer to Allah and leave the rest in His hands. Allah said that the only thing He will never forgive is Shirk. Many Muslim teens will leave Islam because of the lack of love and support from parents/community. Focus on what is important: that he stays alive, that he stays close to you and that he is not driven away from Islam.
Take comfort in the fact that your son, from what it appears from your post, has a strong connection to the deen and to Allah. Trust in how you raised him and that he will make the best decision for himself Insha’Allah. Again, Do the things that you have control over: make dua’a for your son, and pray that Allah guides your family during this challenging time. Most importantly, always be a source of unconditional love for your child. I cannot emphasize the importance of this. There is a high risk for suicide in teens who identify with the LGBTQIA+ population and especially who are isolated.
May Allah protect our children, may He help us be the best parents to them: a source of unconditional love, support and guidance. May He guide them, keep them safe from the harm of others, from any unintentional harm that we may inflict and from harming themselves. May He forgive us all for our shortcomings and grant us the highest place in Jannah, reunited with our loved ones. Ameen.
Your Sister in Islam,
Afshana Haque, PhD, LMFT-S (Fatima V)
Assistant Professor of Marriage and Family Therapy
