Starting to wear hijab for the wrong reasons?
Salam Fatima I’m really hoping you read this email and offer me some sort of advice. I’m a 25 year old female living in the United States. I’m going to try to keep this email as short as possible, while still telling you all the important information. So to begin, I’m a Muslim American living in the United States. My family and I are all practicing muslims, we pray 5 times a day, we fast, etc. My mom, my sisters, and me don’t wear hijab and I never felt less of a Muslim because I don’t wear one. My parents taught me to always dress modest and try to be the best Muslim I can be. Fast forward to about a year ago. I met this guy and everything was going great and I felt like our families were very similar. He asked me towards the beginning when we first met if I would ever wear hijab. I told him I wouldn’t be opposed to it, if I felt like that was something I wanted for myself in the future. Then he started pressuring me to wear hijab, telling me that his parents know he only wants to marry a girl who wears hijab, and that I would be his dream wife if I wore hijab. Eventually, I ended up telling him that I would definitely wear hijab and this was because I didn’t want to lose him and I thought I would eventually come around to the idea of wearing hijab on my own. I wore hijab when I went outside of the house and saw how I felt and if I am ready to take that step. I felt beautiful wearing hijab, but I didn’t 100% feel like that intention was coming from my heart, it felt like it was coming from his. I feel confused because I really love this guy and I want to marry him and have a future with him. Hijab is the only thing we disagree on and if I wore hijab, we would be perfect for each other. I don’t dislike wearing the hijab, but it is such a huge life change that I’m not I’m ready for. I have been making a lot of dua for Allah swt to guide me and help me see if this guy is the one written for me to marry and if so, to please make it easy for us. In the past I have told him I would wear hijab because I thought I would eventually realize I wanted to wear it fully on my own but that never happened. I don’t want to upset him but it’s not right for me to wear hijab just to please him and marry him, the intention has to come from me. Do I wear the hijab just to marry him and grow to love wearing it, or do I let this end and say goodbye to him even though that would be one of the hardest things to go through in my life? Thank you so much.
Assalaamu Alaikum Sister,
I see your dilemma and it is a very difficult position to be in. On one hand he is the love of your life who wants good for you, and on the other hand you want to arrive to the goodness on your own with clear intentions. I think there are two aspects to consider. First that there is a condition upon your ability to marry him, and second your need to have 100% purity in intention in order to wear hijab. Before I address these two issues, I want to emphasize that I am not an Islamic scholar and these are all of my own opinions based on my own experiences and limited Islamic studies. So please feel free to consult Islamic scholars as well.
On the topic of wearing hijab to be his wife: I think it is beautiful that you have found such a high degree of compatibility (as often occurs at the start of a relationship). However, you may find overtime that you have or will develop disagreements as is inevitable in all healthy relationships. Most are small but some will be life altering. What the healthiest couples do in these times is learn to compromise and negotiate. Marriage is such a relationship where neither your partner nor you will get everything that you want. And learning the art of compromise & negotiation in the beginning will help ensure a lasting, blissful relationship. Hijab tends to be an extremely personal choice, as you yourself will experience the brunt of both the positive and negative consequences of hijab. So, ideally yes it would be wonderful if you could come to that decision when you feel most ready. An ideal response may be, that you cannot give him an answer right now, but that hijaab is something you are considering wholeheartedly and something that you want as well. Typically I encourage couples in premarital therapy to be aware and firm about their hard “No’s” in a relationship, especially in regards to their own personal boundaries. Or at the least there needs to be some balance in their hard lines. I would be weary of absolute expectations in a relationship that feel unbalanced especially when they are not about him and more about you. At the end of the day, no party (neither you nor your husband) should be doing all the compromising, especially when it comes to important values because that is also how resentment builds.
On the topic of intention. Our Iman and intentions wax and wane constantly. Take salah for example, unfortunately sometimes I pray just to get it over with because I am busy, or don’t have the best khoo-shoo’ and focus, or sometimes I even pray more because everyone around me is also praying more. I never think well I should not pray at all because my intentions are not 100%. I keep praying in hopes that one day my connection with Allah will continue to improve, my intentions will grow in purity and my actions will be at the level of worship He deserves. Only He is perfect and we are not. But it is in the struggle to please Allah where the reward lies. Now if a certain act of worship pulled me away from Allah, then I would definitely reconsider. So the best way to assess if this action is good for you, is to ask yourself do I feel this is bringing me closer to Allah or pulling me further away? Something you can only answer for yourself.
I hope this helps. May Allah guide us to worshipping him in best way and may he grant you clarity in your heart regarding the matter of hijab and whether your partner will be the best spouse for you in this life and the hereafter.
Your Sister in Islam,
Afshana Haque, PhD, LMFT-S (Fatima V)
