Wanting to live a modest lifestyle

Assalam Alakum, Since I was in the eighth grade I knew I wanted to wear hijab. That was almost seven years ago and I still haven’t been able to. I’ve mentioned it twice to my parents during that time frame and everytime I do they tell me not to go to the extreme. My heart does not feel content without it and I don’t know what to do. We don’t live in a place where there are many Muslims, so I don’t have anyone to speak with. Every time I watch something on YouTube about it, I hear things that stress me out even more. The last time I spoke to my parents, I was too shy and afraid to tell them so I texted my mother and her response was that we don’t live in a good environment and that there are more important things, like having good manners. Which I understand that that is important it just it feels like, it’s demoting the importance of it. My parents would project their fears onto me, which it isn’t like I don’t feel them myself. I’ve tried doing things that may be inconspicuous like only keeping my hair in a bun, wearing thick headbands but I can’t do this forever. I’ve gotten rid of my jeans and have been trying to wear loose fitting clothing with a long cardigan. The guilt never leaves my mind, I’m scared that I will never find any courage.

As Salaam Alaikum Sister

I find your desire so admirable and I pray Allah swt continues to increase you in patience and iman. This is a very challenging situation you are dealing with. Islam has a great amount of emphasis on our kindness and duty to our parents, but more important is our worship and submission to Allah swt.

There is a hadith according to Bukhari and Muslim, the Prophet Muhammad peace and blessing be upon him and his family, was asked, “Which work is best?” He replied, “Prayer at its time.” He was then asked, “Then which?” The Prophet pbuh said, “Excellence to parents.” They asked, “Then which?” He said, “Striving in the way of Allah swt.” Additionally, in the Quran in Surah Al Isra, ayat 23, Allah says “And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and (that you show) kindness to parents.”

Compliance to our parents is not expected when they ask us to do something that is not in line with the teachings of Islam, however, this by no means we no longer have to treat our parents with love and respect. I cannot tell you to wear the hijab without your parent’s blessings, however, I do think it is really important to continue to talk to them and hope they will understand.

I think it’s really great that you have tried to communicate your desires with your parents. It might be they are not understanding how serious you are and how much this really means to you. Perhaps you can help your parents see how serious you are by listing all the reasons why you want to do this as well as explain to them that you do understand there are risks associated with it. Perhaps even suggest a trial period, or some sort of compromise that can work best for all of you. If this does not work after a given amount of time, try talking to a family member that can be your advocate such as an aunt or sibling.

I also want to recognize that this situation is, in itself, a form of worship. And as you continue this, keep making dua and praying. “Your Lord has said, ‘Call me, I will answer you.” (Quran, 60:60). He will be with you, every step of the way, showering you with His Rehma and favoring you.

May Allah swt make this easier for you and soften your parent’s hearts. Continue to talk to your parents and inshaAllah Allah will keep you on this worthy path. 

Sincerely,

Your sister in Islam,

“Fatima X”