My Mom Abuses Me

My Mom Abuses Me

Hi I’m 14 and my mom abuses me a lot my dad is really busy with his work so he’s not home but when he is things are okay and every time I complain to my dad she denies it and manipulates my dad she says that I curse at her and that she was only trying to talk to me and I hate to say it but she is my biological, mother from hell.

Response from a “Fatima Counsellor”

As Salaam Alaikum Sister

I am so sorry you are going through a very difficult time. I hope you are physically safe, if you are not and are in an emergency situation, please call 911. If it is not an emergency, call 1-866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522.

Your mother is likely dealing with issues that have nothing to do with you and unfortunately won’t go away until she is ready to seek help. It is difficult to point out abusive behaviors, not only in parents, but with anyone. Here are a few options to consider working through:

  1. Although this might be difficult right now with COVID-19, try to stay active and busy. Find after school activities, babysit other kids, or volunteer at a local non-profit. These will not only get you out of the house it also helps with the state of your mental health. For the time being while not being able to go out, perhaps start a new hobby like painting.
  2. Consider a therapist or a mentor or a “Big Sister”. It might be difficult to get a therapist as you’ll have to use your parent’s health insurance to get it, however it might be worth asking your parents if you could see a counselor, if they agree, GREAT! If they do not, a mentor can help you release some of your built up anxieties.
  3. Prayer, meditation and dhikr can help you stay strong. Create a bond with Allah- “And your Lord says, “Call upon Me; I will respond to you.” 40:60. Remember Allah is near when you need Him. “And when My servants ask you concerning Me- indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me and believe in Me that they may be guided.” 2:186
  4. Exercise of any kind is also healthy for your mental state by producing new happyendorphins.
  5. Communicate: Open, honest communication should be part of every healthy relationship.
  6. Find the right time. When having a serious conversation with someone, it is always important to pick the right time. Try to find a time when both of you are calm and not distracted, and have an allotted amount of time. Maybe even schedule it with your mom.
  7. Talk face to face. Anything but in person can lead more misunderstanding, with text messages and writing letters, the tone of the message can change and not be interpreted the way you intended.
  8. Be mindful of your tone and body language. Even when we mean well, we can sometimes come across as harsh because of our word choices. Using “you” can sound like you’re attacking, which could make your mom defensive and less receptive to your message. Instead, try using “I” or “we.” Using “I-feel statements” works best when your emotions seem overwhelming. Make eye contact when speaking. Sit up and face your mother. Let her know you’re listening, too. Show her you really care. Don’t take a phone call, text or be distracted while you’re having a conversation.
  9. Be honest. Sometimes the truth hurts, but it’s the key to a healthy relationship. Admit to your mistakes instead of making excuses. You will feel better and it will help strengthen your relationship.
  10. Reach out to a trusted family member
  11. Consider reaching out to a trusted family member or family friend that can help be your advocate. It is often difficult to be your own advocate to your parents, and as such, it might help to reach out to someone your family trusts and more importantly, someone you trust.

Everyone deserves a relationship that is positive, healthy and free from abuse. I pray that Allah swt makes this easier for you and eases your pain. I also pray He helps your mother the best way she needs.

With love,

Your sister in Islam,

“Fatima SD”

Response from an additional “Fatima Counselor”:

You’ve only shared a few sentences of what you’re going through, and I can only imagine the level of your distress that you face day to day. We look to our adults, especially our parents for safety and belonging, and when that caregiver is causing harm, it can be agonizing and confusing. When we are constantly faced with behavior or accusations that contradict reality, it can erode our self-assurance and self-worth, and we can start to question our own memory or character. The way that your mother is treating you is unacceptable, and you deserve to be treated with kindness, honesty, and respect. Taking the steps to get support is essential, and you are courageous in reaching out. First things first- your safety is priority. If you ever feel like you are in immediate danger, contact local authorities. If you are not in immediate danger, then here are a few things to consider if they fit your situation:
1. Document what’s happening. You can keep a journal or record of incidents which can be helpful when seeking help.
2. Consider talking to your father again. It can take multiple attempts for someone to understand the gravity of the situation.
3. Reach out to a trusted adult such as a school counselor, teacher, your Islamic advisor/mentor, or relative. They can advocate for your safety.
4. Create a plan to access safe spaces. For example, when you anticipate your mother’s harmful patterns, you can choose to disengage and go to your room, you may join an after-school club, go to the library, focus on a hobby, or spend time with friends. Here is a template for you to brainstorm your safe spaces: https://www.therapistaid.com/worksheets/my-safe-spaces
You are brave for speaking up, and you don’t have to face this alone. 

Sincerely,

Your Sister in Islam,

Fatima “SAli”

Disclaimer: If this is an emergency, please call 911 or 1-800-273-TALK(8255). The information that appears here is not meant as replacement for proper care from a mental health provider. Click here to read our full Disclaimer.