My Mom Abuses Me
Hi I’m 14 and my mom abuses me a lot my dad is really busy with his work so he’s not home but when he is things are okay and every time I complain to my dad she denies it and manipulates my dad she says that I curse at her and that she was only trying to talk to me and I hate to say it but she is my biological, mother from hell.
As Salaam Alaikum Sister
I am so sorry you are going through a very difficult time. I hope you are physically safe, if you are not and are in an emergency situation, please call 911. If it is not an emergency, call 1-866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522.
Your mother is likely dealing with issues that have nothing to do with you and unfortunately won’t go away until she is ready to seek help. It is difficult to point out abusive behaviors, not only in parents, but with anyone. Here are a few options to consider working through:
- Although this might be difficult right now with COVID-19, try to stay active and busy. Find after school activities, babysit other kids, or volunteer at a local non-profit. These will not only get you out of the house it also helps with the state of your mental health. For the time being while not being able to go out, perhaps start a new hobby like painting.
- Consider a therapist or a mentor or a “Big Sister”. It might be difficult to get a therapist as you’ll have to use your parent’s health insurance to get it, however it might be worth asking your parents if you could see a counselor, if they agree, GREAT! If they do not, a mentor can help you release some of your built up anxieties.
- Prayer, meditation and dhikr can help you stay strong. Create a bond with Allah- “And your Lord says, “Call upon Me; I will respond to you.” 40:60. Remember Allah is near when you need Him. “And when My servants ask you concerning Me- indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me. So let them respond to Me and believe in Me that they may be guided.” 2:186
- Exercise of any kind is also healthy for your mental state by producing new happyendorphins.
- Communicate: Open, honest communication should be part of every healthy relationship.
- Find the right time. When having a serious conversation with someone, it is always important to pick the right time. Try to find a time when both of you are calm and not distracted, and have an allotted amount of time. Maybe even schedule it with your mom.
- Talk face to face. Anything but in person can lead more misunderstanding, with text messages and writing letters, the tone of the message can change and not be interpreted the way you intended.
- Be mindful of your tone and body language. Even when we mean well, we can sometimes come across as harsh because of our word choices. Using “you” can sound like you’re attacking, which could make your mom defensive and less receptive to your message. Instead, try using “I” or “we.” Using “I-feel statements” works best when your emotions seem overwhelming. Make eye contact when speaking. Sit up and face your mother. Let her know you’re listening, too. Show her you really care. Don’t take a phone call, text or be distracted while you’re having a conversation.
- Be honest. Sometimes the truth hurts, but it’s the key to a healthy relationship. Admit to your mistakes instead of making excuses. You will feel better and it will help strengthen your relationship.
- Reach out to a trusted family member
- Consider reaching out to a trusted family member or family friend that can help be your advocate. It is often difficult to be your own advocate to your parents, and as such, it might help to reach out to someone your family trusts and more importantly, someone you trust.
Everyone deserves a relationship that is positive, healthy and free from abuse. I pray that Allah swt makes this easier for you and eases your pain. I also pray He helps your mother the best way she needs.
With love,
Your sister in Islam,
“Fatima X”
