Scared

Dear Fatima,

My sister has been going through depression for a while now, and we had just found out about it about probably more than a year ago from cuts she had on her wrist. My mom was very sad but understanding and was able to get her a therapist. She has seemed to been doing better since then but there has been times where I get very worried about her. She starts to ignore people or shut people out because she thinks they don’t care about her or she thinks she just adds a burden to their life and that no one would notice if she was gone. We have talked to her countless amounts of times crying,telling her that is not true and she says she understands but I don’t think she really does. She gets in her head a lot and it causes her to justify these things, like completely ignoring, avoiding, and blocking our sister who lives in the same house for more than a month. She told me she was surprised that my sister was angry and sad about it. She thought she didn’t make a difference if she talked to her or not. She has also told me that she doesn’t feel guilt for many things that she does, such as isolating our sister out of her life for no reason or other little things she’s done like stealing or making someone cry. She thinks somethings wrong with her bc of this. I am writing this to you know because it has just been the tipping point for me. She asked me a couple minutes ago if I would notice if she disappeared. I have told my mom and they had a talk. But I don’t know, I am just so scared, I don’t know how she feels and her thought process and it just scares me. How to I help her through this? How do I genuinely show her that I care? Thank you for taking the time to read this.

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Dear sister,

Thank you for reaching out. It can be incredibly difficult and painful to see a loved one suffering, especially when you are uncertain as to how to help. It sounds like you and some of your mom have taken some pretty critical first steps in getting her the care she needs. Your sister is very lucky to have family members who care about her so deeply.  The fact that she has a therapist is a great step and I can hear how hard you try to give her positive affirmations. While we often want things to get better quickly, healing tends to be a long and ongoing process.  You are doing the right thing by sharing your concerns with the adults in your life. It is important to remind yourself that you are doing the best you can and people need to grow and heal in their own terms and on their own timeline. People can only work to curate the right resources for your sister.  It is up to your sister to heal.  

At the same time, there are a couple of things you and your family might consider.

Separate individual therapy for other family members or family therapy- Watching a family member suffer is a form of suffering in and of itself. It is clear that witnessing your sister self-injury and blueness is taking a toll on you as well. Often in family systems one sibling seems to bear the brunt of emotional difficulty and another one then underplays their own difficulties to make life easier on the rest of the family. Everyone in this circumstance needs care and support. That being said, you and your mom and other members of your family may also want to seek individual therapy so as to have a space to process the ups and downs of this process. 

Family therapy- As mentioned before, sometimes one person in a family disproportionately bears challenges in the family. Family therapy is a good way to work on this.You may also want to consider family therapy as a way to demonstrate that everyone in your family supports your sister. It can be helpful for everyone in the system to be able to share their thoughts, feelings and experiences of what is going on. 

Please continue to remember that your love, affirmation, warmth and care ARE enough. You can only do what you can do to support a family member. No amount of external validation can fill someone up. It is important for each individual to be able to feel whole on their own. 

You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers,

Sincerely,

Your sister in Islam,

“Fatima R”