Struggling in my married life
Dear Fatima,
my age is 28 n i am a female . When i get married i was of 24 ..in last past 4 years i ve never received any kind of love and affection from him n from last 1.5 years he’s not even physical with he even don’t hug me.. i always try to talk to him but he never listen..we ve arrange marriage…i got my physical needs i am afraid that i wont get involved in any haram things thats y i am here to seek help…he even dont touch me ..i ve a university friend n he’s willing to marry me but i know its wrong n i cant betray my husband and at the same time my parents would never understand me that what i am going through cux according to the world i ve a Happy marriage life.. i am trying to make things work out between him n me but nothing is working n we dont ve a baby yet
Salaam Sister,
Thank you for your courage in sending this message. It sounds like the last four years have been painful and difficult . We all want and deserve a loving, reciprocal relationship where our needs for multiple forms of intimacy are met. It is great that you are pausing to seek support in all this instead of making decisions that might be more complicated or challenging for you in the long run. It might feel overwhelming to address this and you may feel trapped but there are a few pathways you can take to finding some relief.
1.) Speak honestly and directly with your husband. For a lot of Muslim couples intimacy can be a foreign thing and challenging thing. Most Muslims are told to abstain from physical contact with the opposite sex for most of their life and then one day all of a sudden things change. Couples are often not equipped with the information they need about how to have a mutually fulfilling physical relationship. One or both individuals in the couple may have feelings of shame associated with physical contact because of exposure or experiences to sexual content or physical intimacy that may have occurred before marriage. Other times a hesitance around physical intimacy could be a result of early experiences of physical or sexual trauma. Women especially are giving messages about serving their husbands which can make it much harder to seek your own pleasure. If you haven’t already, be clear about what your needs are and be curious with your partner about his fears/concerns/hopes and wishes related to intimacy.
2.) If after talking with your partner directly you don’t feel like the situation gets better seek counsel with people you trust. You mentioned that your parents don’t understand. Does it feel like you’ve tried to talk to them and they’ve dismissed you or do you feel like you haven’t been able to address this with them directly? Regardless, there are other supports you can seek if speaking with your parents does not feel helpful. This could be peers, aunts and uncles or other elders or a professional such a marriage counselor or a sex therapist. You will have to be courageous, honest and vulnerable with what you are really going through so that others can understand better. Pairing your honesty with the right support may help you make sense of your circumstances and get you the guidance you are seeking.
3.) Be thoughtful about your connection with this friend from University. It is not uncommon for people to seek validation in a person outside of their marriage when things in their marriage are not going well. We all want to feel loved and cared for but seeking that with someone outside of your marriage can often create more pain and trouble for all parties in the long run. If you feel strongly that your current marriage is not one you can salvage then it is okay to ask to end your marriage and would be okay to consider a partnership with this other partner. If however you want to work on your marriage it will be important to consider how this outside relationship may undermine your goals within your marriage and how your husband would feel if he knew about this outside relationship.
I don’t want to diminish how painful it can feel to be in a marriage that does not feel loving and validating. The desire for a loving relationship is absolutely universal. It’s not uncommon for Muslims to idealize romantic relationships without having understanding of themselves or experience with the opposite sex. This leads to disappointment for everyone. Good marriages take work. Couples need to put effort into developing the skills to make a marriage fulfilling. You can learn more about how to do this with a counselor or by reading books about marriage such as chapters in Before You Tie The Knot: A Guide for Couples. This book is co-authored by a Muslim Counselor and an Imam. Another common book read in the United States is The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver.
I know things might feel very hard right now but with the right resources they can get better. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sincerely,
Your sister in Islam
“Fatima R”
As salaam alaikum,
Thank you for reaching out my dear sister. Please know that you have taken the right step by reaching out for help. I am sorry that you have had to experience such difficulty in your marriage life and that things have been so bad for so long.
Based on what you have shared, it seems that you are unhappy in your marriage and may be wishing to divorce your husband. Check with a scholar or imam that you trust about whether your situation qualifies for a Khula. A Khula is basically when a woman asks for a parting/divorce from her husband based upon legitimate reasons.
There are narrations in our traditions that show a women’s physical needs are important. One such narration is when Umar RA asked his daughter, Hafsa RA (a mother of the believers) regarding how long a woman can go without her physical needs being met. He was informed 4 months. Umar RA ordered all soldiers to rotate assignments so that they could be home within the 4 month timeframe.
I also want to recommend for your consideration the idea of speaking with your husband while having a mutual party present. It can be someone or people from both sides of the family that can serve as mediators and bring a calming presence during a difficult conversation. I want to bring to your attention the 5 love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. When you have this meeting, pay attention to what is expressed in relation to these languages and how they relate to your situation.
Regarding your parents, they may believe you have a “happy marriage life” which is good for no one but them. Sharing the truth of the matter with them before your marriage gets even worse is the right course of action. This can be scary and nerve wracking. It will be helpful if you connect with a friend or counselor to discuss how you want this conversation to look, i.e. your comfort level, details, your own mental health during this conversation, etc.
Please know my dear sister that it is from the mercy of Allah SWT that you do not have a child with your husband till now. If you did and this situation was playing out, you would have faced more difficulty making sense of the equation while navigating the best interests of the children pertaining to their father.
Communication is key; therefore, you must be brave and share your truth with everyone that is important to you in your life. Your friend sounds like he is well intended yet you choose to give priority to that which is most important (being mindful of Allah SWT). Know that when we put our trust in Allah, He SWT takes care of our affairs. We have to do our part which you have started by reaching out here.
Please know that you are not alone. You must connect with your supporters as soon as possible so that your circumstances can change at the earliest.
Wishing you all the best in your future.
Sincerely,
Your brother in Islam,
“Fatima M”
