Relationship

Hi, my age is 27. Me and my family moved to USA 2017 , I have loving parents but also conservative we belong to poor to middle class background where all our family matter is disclosed or controlled by my mothers sisters and her brothers mamas , as my parents were illiterate, this how by the help of one of my mother sister we came to United States, any how we struggled to get settled like finding job and rent an apartment credit, everything on our own , our aunt who sponsored us in America did not help financially we got only one month in America to find a job and get started for a month we lived in our other sisters of my mother’s home 15 and 15 days then we got job in Walmart and moved to the apartment and start from their on our own, since we were doing all that my mother passed away on the 3rd year in America it left us so empty, I have been in a relationship from 2015 November almost four year but it was on and off in the first year I have him met my family (we were in Pakistan) his family denied rishta because they were so much religious like strict in Parda and shariat and we are also religious but not too strict about sharae parda , our life was so easy we wore burqa niqab go university and com back home nothing else , we are three sisters and ami abu that was our family no cousins or na mehram involvements in our family , so when I got rejected I fall apart, I felt like everything thing is done I got closer to Allah and namaz then in the year ending when my life got back to track I was working after my university he came back and was engaged, he told me he love me and don’t want to marry her he broke his engagement he said sorry n everything he said his family wasn’t happy and he was majboor I forgave him , and got back to relationship, the me and family visa came and he sent rishta again this time my mother denied rishta for that time saying we can’t do it because these visa are for unmarried , if we do marriage before entering US it’ll be fraud so my asked them to wait for 2 year at least and then we will come back and do nikah, because my elder sister was unmarried as well that why my parents will do her first and then me .this time he was gone may be angry sad , After coming to America after few months he came back I was happy and after few more months he told me he is engaged with other cousin but he will break this engagement i told him he should not do it but he said he is in love with me I trust him and our relationship proceeded , inwas keep telling him you say final words to them or me he keeps rolling me to after my home got ready I will talk to your father about shadi as already talked my father of our rishta this year ,in this year when his home is renovated all completed he talked to my father about shadi my father asked him about leaving his fiancé first and then we will decide shadi date , this time situation is worse from the ramazan he has been avoiding me saying I want to follow shariat that’s why I am avoiding you but after Eid I will talk with your father since he talked with my father He told my father okay I will call you after discussing my family , he never called him back and he has already been avoiding me so he is not receiving my calls , once he received my call saying if we are meant to be will get married and he has to make more money call ended , he left me hanging …..

Dear Sister,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. Relationships of all types are important to our lives and it is very normal to desire a close romantic partnership. It sounds like this man came into your life during a particularly hard time which can add complexity to the situation. Immigrating to the United States is challenging under the best circumstances and you and your family have clearly been through a lot. It sounds like this person was part of your life during this transition which may have brought you closer. We often feel closer to people who have been part of our lives during a difficult period.

This is a very tough situation. Four years is a long time to spend with a person and it is clear that there is something pulling you toward him. It may be important to reflect right now on what continues to draw you to this relationship. Is there something particularly special about him? In what ways are you compatible? In what ways does he make you feel safe and cared for?

You are a strong, capable person and you deserve a person who is clear and direct about their intention and your value. Does this person make you feel that way? Do you find yourself feeling drawn to his particular qualities or do you find yourself fearing losing a person who has been with you during a difficult time? Given that you have experienced so many losses already(the loss of your previous home, the loss of your mother) it may be that you are holding on to a relationship because you don’t want to feel that empty feeling you felt when you lost your mom.

Often our fear of ending a relationship is not as bad as the consequences of ending it. Only you know if this relationship is right for you. If your intuition tells you to keep pushing through the obstacles you might seek consultation from the people in your life that you trust(elders, spiritual supports, friends). Talking it through with them may give you some more perspective. Consider people in your life that you see as having a marriage that models what you would like for yourself. Their guidance may be helpful.

If your intuition is telling you that this person is not right for you or is not giving you what you need , do what you can to prepare for the grief of ending the relationship. Begin to build your relationships with other people in your life. Reflect on things that bring you joy and pleasure independent of other people. Find ways to fill your life that feel healthy and build your self-esteem so you can fill up the space that his person’s absence might make.

Throughout this process it is important to remember that you deserve to be with someone great that really values you and wants to be with you in the way that you want to be with them. May Allah ease your pain during this process and guide you to the decision that is best for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sincerely,

Your sister in Islam

Fatima “R”