I don’t want to keep grieving

Dear Fatima,

I apologize if my thoughts seem messy, I’m just pouring them out on a page. I’ve been sad since I eleven, and all of a sudden I was struck with anxiety and panic. all. the. time. One day I couldn’t find my “ lucky pencil” and it threw me into what felt like a heart attack. I cried under my desk like a child, hyperventilating, and literally begging God to let me breathe again. That’s where it started and it only got worse as I got older. I didn’t understand because I was just a kid. I wasn’t supposed to feel so anxious and nervous. this anxiety soon became social anxiety, fear of talking, fear of being me. I couldn’t even go into a grocery store. As soon as I entered sixth grade I started to become depressed, and the only way I knew how to deal with it was with self-harm and destructive eating behavior. I thought if I couldn’t control my emotions maybe my pain and my eating was things I could always have control over. I was wrong. so so so wrong. scars cover every inch of my small body, and I don’t think I’ve worn short sleeves in public for months. My family life was getting worse and worse as I aged. everyone around me was so angry and my childhood wasn’t the best either. everyone at home was so mad all the time all they did was argue. they would get into physical fights and scream so loud my ears would ring. one day my siblings were screaming so loudly and so violently and made my mom drop to her knees and threaten to end her life. I walked into the kitchen and she almost did. She didn’t but ever since that happened I keep thinking it’s my fault. when I was around 12 I moved away from home and began staying with my grandmother, she was always so supportive and kind to me. I loved staying with her but I didn’t understand why I still cried every night, I still told me myself I was too fat every time I walked passed a mirror, I didn’t understand why I was the way I was. one day I broke down. so badly that my grandmother didn’t know what to so she called my mother. I BEGGED and pleaded for my mom to take me to a hospital but she didn’t. they never helped me in the way I needed help. they found out I was self-harming and blamed it on my lack of faith. did that mean that hell was for those who were in pain? they told me to pray and I did. every minute that I could. my mom ripped me away from my gramma took my phone away and basically punished me for having mental health issues. instead of taking me to a doctor, I was yelled at. I was forced to sit in the middle of a circle of sheiks and male members of my family. it was so embarrassing they all thought I was crazy they told me I was possessed and nothing more. my relationship with God at that point was completely shattered. Why would God do this to me I thought. I was so young and in so much pain. After that, I realized that to my family my emotions have no validity. and my mental health will always is a matter of faith. But deep down I knew that it was something more than that. I knew this wasn’t the result of my lack of faith. But I learned to keep my mouth shut, to fake a smile, to be who they wanted me to be. In all honesty, I’ve gotten so good at pretending I’m not sure who I really am anymore. there were multiple attempts by school counselors and social workers trying to get my mom to get me some help. nothing worked. it was always a matter of faith. It’s been two years now, I’ve stopped self-harming, dealt with practically every intrusive thought, I’m currently dealing with self-destructive behavior and what I think is depression. I’m so young but I feel so worthless. I feel like I’m walking around my own head all day. I feel like I bare the weight of the world on my back. every day I buck up and act like the child my mom wants me to be. I feel like I’m trying to make up for my brothers. one of which was in a shooting accident and car crash last year. he was heavily injured and ended up with a spine injury, shattered hand, and more. I fed him when he couldn’t feed, showered him. practically nursed him when no one else one. but he was so high on drugs all the time that he would curse at the scream. and that took a bat to my self worth my mom fell into her own depression and so did he. his drug addiction only got worse and progresses to this day. I’m scared. I’m always so scared. I’m scared to be alive I’m scared to see him pass away. I’ve already grieved the loss of who he was before the accident. because he will never be the same. I will never be the same. I saw him so beat up and hurt. I saw the videos of his nose bleeding and his head bulging. I sat in a hospital bed near him every single day for three months. and took care of him for six months after. but he’s just not the same. none of us are the same, after the incident, I started having nightmares of people dying nightmares of people I love being brutally murdered. nothing in my life seems to go right and it hasn’t since I was eleven. it’s been four years. I have felt this despair for four years. and I think about self-harming every day, I think about taking the pills I used to take to cope. doing the self-destructive things I used to do. but I don’t do it. I’m don’t cut myself and I don’t take the pills in my cabinet because I have the smallest sliver of hope. I don’t know what else to do. I just need more. I need more help. I know that recovery isn’t linear and that this is a process but I feel like I’m not enough to sustain what I need. I can’t talk to my parents again. it will only make me feel worse and put me in another situation that I simply cannot bear. I have tried so many times and each time I receive dawah. I’m not asking for dawah. I’m asking for help, I’m asking for support. I’m not even asking anymore I’m begging. I’ve tried school counselors and school social workers and NOTHING seems to get through to my mom. I’ve recommended Muslim therapists, a combination of therapy, and the Quran. I’ve tried it all and she just doesn’t get it. Should I just wait it out until I can seek help on my own?
I feel so horrible being this version of myself, the one who is quiet and obedient just so you can satisfy the people in your family. I cannot bare being the family embarrassment I’m the child that mother didn’t want. I’m scared that if I die I will die with nothing for them to remember me by. They don’t know who I am or what I like. They forget my age and my birthday. What do I do? Is it time to take this into my own hands?
Thank you for listening to my deepest sorrows and grievances. I’m privileged in the sense that I have my basic needs taken care of and j feel so selfish for feeling the way that I do. But I don’t deserve this anymore I deserve better. Recently I’ve been receiving counseling from a school counselor but I just need more. I just need more than just a counselor.

Dear Sister,

Thank you for the courage you’ve shown in putting your experiences into words.  It is clear that you are a deeply thoughtful, resilient and beautiful person who endured quite a lot in your short life and the fact that you’ve reached out to us at Stones to Bridges shows how resourceful you are. You have more strength than you know and a very special life ahead of you.

Being in a family where you do not feel heard, understood and where your needs are not sufficiently met is a deeply painful experience. This combined with suffering a familial trauma like your brother’s accident must be terribly difficult.  Growing up in a challenging and complex family can often lead to blaming yourself for what is happening around you. It is important to remind yourself that despite what people around you might say these things are not your fault. You are not alone in the experience of being blamed and made to feel crazy for struggling with mental health challenges. It is unfortunately a really common experience in our community and it has nothing to do with you. You are not the problem. Do not let anyone convince you otherwise.

That being said, healing is a lifelong process.  There will be ups and downs but the most important thing is to tap into sources of hope and support wherever possible. You have already come so far and even though healing is not linear you should still be proud of where you are. There is no perfect way to heal and as a young person it is extra hard because adults can often make decisions on your behalf without hearing your voice.

Even though this is a very difficult situation there are some different avenues you can explore.

 A few suggestions:

1. Build your community of supports- Find your people.  While therapy is an useful resource it is not your only resource. There are people you can connect with if the barriers to accessing therapy feel too big right now. Think about all the people in your life and make a list of those who leave you feeling safe, heard, understood or simply bring a smile to your face. This might be teachers, a librarian, a coach, friends, extended family, random aunties or uncles in the community, cousins, a youth group leader.  You can even count fictional people in books, movies, television or other sources. if they bring comfort for you. Whether it is in fiction or real life find your role models and lean on them to support you if you feel gaps in your family’s capacity to do so. 

 

2. Find creative outlets to process your experiences- The beautiful thing about pain is that it inspires great art. Some of the most amazing artists in the world went through unimaginable pain. You are clearly a gifted writer. Have you tried writing poetry, spoken word, short stories, comics? Does movement make you feel peace? You might try dance, yoga, stretching, walking, running, swimming, sports etc. You could consider visual arts like painting, sketching, pottery or a number of others. You could also channel your pain into music or theater. The options are endless.  Find what brings you peace and lean into it. Pain is a powerful vehicle for art.

 

3. Remind yourself that this is only temporary and focus on what will get you the freedom/ autonomy you desire: It may be practically impossible to access the services you want and need under your parents roof. Channel the anger/frustration/pain of that experience into working hard to get to a place where you can make decisions on your own. Try your best to envision where you want to be in life and know that you can get there. School is one pathway to a future you can have more say in. Don’t be afraid to talk  to others who are in a place that looks like where you’d like to be in a few years and ask questions. 

 

4. Affirm yourself:Make a list of the strengths you see in yourself and tell yourself them in the mirror. This will be uncomfortable at first but it can be powerful. It might be hard to generate a list on your own at first. If you need to ask people in your life what your strengths are you can. You can also start with the following because I can see them even in your short submission “I am resourceful. I am resilient. I am capable.” 

 

5. Look into your legal rights as a youth to get services:In an extreme situation you may want to look up your state’s rules on services for minors. Many states do allow minors to see therapists without adult acknowledgement. This option  may be logistically impossible in terms of gaining access to transportation –though teletherapy may have also changed that. It is also a complicated option however as asserting yourself in this way might create more challenges within your family dynamic. Even still, it may be helpful to know that it is an option.

You are in a really difficult place but I trust that you can continue to overcome your circumstances. Know that you are in my prayers. 

Sincerely, 

Your sister in Islam,

“Fatima R”