Toxic Family Situation
Dear Fatima,
Assalam Alakum, This problem has been going on for years but as I’ve gotten older it’s become increasingly more difficult. I am nineteen years old and still living with my parents. For as long as I can remember my parents have had very few good times together and with age it seems to be getting worse. My dad, is extremely verbally and emotionally abusive to my mom so much so that she says that her bones begin to hurt her. My dad isn’t a bad guy, he has his own issues, I believe from when he was in the army that were never properly addressed. As their daughter, it hurts me to say but I’ve been caught in between them and many times I feel I have to take on the parent role. I could go on about all the frightening and terrible things he has said and done to her. I know how much Allah(swt) has told us to obey our parents and I can’t help but feel resentful and frustrated towards my dad and this whole situation. We aren’t living as a family, but even more importantly not the way Allah wants us to. My dad does not believe he is in the wrong at all and will not even visit a councillor when I mentioned it. Am I stepping out of my place? I don’t want this to be held against me on judgement day because there are injustices taking place.
May Allah reward and bless you immensely.
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As Salaam Alaikum Sister,
I am so sorry you are going through so much distress. You are so brave to share your story. I can imagine the role you feel you need to carry out can be overwhelming and exhausting, especially since it is not your responsibility. May Allah swt make this easier for you, give you strength, patience and courage as you deal with this.
First, I hope you are safe and in a safe space, if this is not the case, please know there are resources out there for you: https://www.thehotline.org/help/.
Your love for your parents and your taqwa of Allah is so evident, and may Allah swt reward your efforts in this. It is important for you to know, although it is true that we have to show our parent’s kindness and respect, abusive behavior is harmful to your mental health. It is oppressive and oppression of any kind is condemned in Islam. As such, children do not need to be submissive to abusive behavior. It does not sound like your father is abusive towards you, but you are being exposed to the abuse your father inflicts on your mother. This is not your responsibility. It is not your responsibility to be the “parent” in this situation. Please understand that our parents are human beings and are far from perfect. Sadly, there are Muslim parents who are dishonest, dysfunctional, and abusive.
It is admirable that you would like to better the situation at home, but unfortunately change will not come unless your father or mother want to change. If your father is not open to the idea of seeking a counselor or therapist, perhaps suggest he speaks to an Imam, if that does not go well, then suggest your mother seeks some help (National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255). In the meanwhile that is all you can do for them. You can only change what you have control over – your environment, your wellbeing. I want you to know you are not to blame for your father’s actions, and as such you will not be held responsible by Allah swt. Allah swt is just and knows best.
Some ways that you can make the situation more bearable for yourself:
Mitigate the harm of family members by responding with kindness, refusing to argue, and establishing clear boundaries. I can’t tell you what boundaries you should establish in interacting with your mother. Only you know what works and what doesn’t. Do consider, however, the patience of the Prophet. And do try to recruit some supportive people in your life. Perhaps, you can look into becoming more financially independent and move out, or reach out to a trust family member and explore other options.
I highly recommend you seek out a culturally sensitive counselor in your area to help you cope with your parents. With the help of a qualified therapist, learn what healthy boundaries are between parent and child. Learn how to nourish yourself spiritually and emotionally.
You have do not have control over what your parents may say or do, but there is plenty you can do to heal yourself.
I pray that Allah grants them healing too. Don’t lose faith in Allah (swt). I pray Allah swt makes it easier for you. May Allah swt reward you tenfold for your love especially in this Holy month.
Sincerely,
Your sister in Islam
Fatima X
