Depression and Spiritual Downfall
Dear Fatima,
AoA,
5 years ago, my life completely changed.i always wanted to become a doctor.it was my childhood dream to pursue a career in medicine.i was really passionate and obsessed with my career.every single moment I spent was thinking of being a doctor.Then, gradually I was stressed out in MDCAT(entrance exam for medicine).My condition was awful.i had mental breakdown and eventually went into depression for not being able to pursue my dream.i was admitted in a psychiatric clinic for two weeks.Long story short,I came out of it gradually by the will of Allah.Only He knows what I went through.then after couple of years I started practicing religion in the best way.Salah, Quran and adhkar everything I was doing almost.i had that eman high and was very happy that I got my life back and like I knew it will rise and fall as nothing is constant In this life.i was experiencing those moments of ups and down.But suddenly there was a big deep dip in my life I felt.Almost a year ago, I am not experiencing a closeness to Allah.Trying harder and harder to figure it out.I am doing my best I hope like staying away from sins,Not Loving and revolving my life around anything except Allah,Salah 5 times extra prayers daily dua and dhikr and reciting Quran, repenting, forgiving maintaining healthy family relations and with other people. Something has stopped inside.There is darkness in me I literally feel it.I don’t feel close to Allah long time ago.that time is going into around 2 years.i feel disconnected.Now as I am dragging myself for sooo long.My energy to pray is getting away.i feel absolutely nothing as if depression has struck me again.i am becoming suicidal as life has no meaning and there is nothing. I am coming back to my 5 years old stage.i am afraid because I thought I got my life back but I amb going back again.i cry everyday. I don’t think so I can continue like this.
Kindly help me to figure this out.waiting for reply.i am in desperate need of HELP.
May Allah Bless you! Ameen
Assalaamu Alaikum Sister,
Thank you for reaching out to us in your time of darkness. Losing one’s passion and dreams can be unbearable and I imagine the return of that depression is terrifying. I pray Allah guides you to the best source of relief for your pain and sorrow.
I wonder if the episode of depression you experienced 5 years ago may not have been processed completely. Unfortunately, when we do not heal completely form all the factors connected to our depression it can resurface. I typically use the following analogy with my clients. If you get a deep cut or a wound that gets infected for example, what happens if you use only a band aid or stitch it up? It will stop the bleeding for sure but overtime the infection may fester and eventually grow bigger and potentially feel worse than when it started. Healing of the wound will require purging the infection that was there to begin with. Unless the root is uncovered, the wound will not heal and it will be difficult to function.
In the same vain, since I do not know the details of your initial treatment, I wonder if it did not sufficiently address the sources of your sadness. Turning to Allah is always a wonderful part of healing, but if there are other aspects of your depression that was left unexamined then this may need to take place before you feel better again. Grief related to the loss of your passion and dreams of becoming a physician is a huge weight on your heart. If grief and loss of this caliber is not sufficiently processed it can eat away at your soul, making it difficult to spiritually connect with your Creator.
Processing grief and loss is a unique process for everyone. There is no timeline, or “proper” way of grieving except that you remain compassionate with yourself, give yourself time to heal and actually lean into the sadness rather than avoiding it or attempting to get rid of it. A huge part of healing from loss is making meaning and finding a new purpose in your life that is fulfilling. Here is an excellent link related to healing from grief and loss:
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm
Another possible reason for the return of your depression may be due to some other event in your life that triggered the sadness. An initial experience of a deep depression increases the likelihood of experiencing another episode. I would highly recommend visiting a mental health professional (even if it is online) to process through all of the possibilities that may be triggering these feelings. Due to your suicidal ideation you may even need some medication to help you get out of the darkness. I pray that you find the healing and comfort that you need to get through this.
If you do not have any trusted friends or relatives you can speak to, please do not hesitate to call or chat with someone on the suicide hotline. Talking to someone may help you find some immediate relief and they can also help you find the best course of action for your feelings of depression and suicidality: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Your Sister in Islam,
Afshana Haque, PhD, LMFT-S (Fatima V)
