Death
How do we deal with the death of a child, a death of suicide? I am stuck in my grief and worried that it will affect my faith. I keep wandering why Allah did not stop this from happening, why Allah did not keep my child from the troubles. I fear the soul of my child now. I do not know how to let go and move on. I know it is not Allahs doing or fault, as Allah does no evil. How do I avoid such thoughts about Allah and deal with this in a healthy way? A way that strengthens my faith and not ruins it? Also, what can be done? Is it okay to hold onto family and other loved ones for strength, and remembering that I want to see them in Jannah. This may help me keep my faith and remember the goodness of Allah in a time which seems dark. What else can I do to remember the goodness in Allah in such an awful situation? Are there any examples of prophets dealing with such a situation? Thank you.
Assalaamu Alaikum Sister/Brother,
As a parent myself, I cannot imagine very much worse than the death of a child, no matter what the cause. Grief and pain of this intensity needs to be dealt with appropriately. This process typically includes a great deal of time, self-compassion, and a support system.
Grief comes in waves. It can come both expectedly (when objects, pictures, events, death anniversaries etc. trigger memories) and unexpectedly. The intensity can also range from shockingly strong to just a bit of sadness. In these moments it is important to allow your body and heart to feel the way it needs to. Everybody has a different time table for how to process a loss especially when the grief is complicated with something like a suicide. You may find yourself having difficulty getting things done, focusing, having a lowered immune system, difficulty sleeping etc. It is important to slow down, remove expectations and give yourself as much rest and care as you need. And this is also where a support system comes in handy. If friends or family can help you with your daily tasks allow them, or ask when you find yourself struggling. A therapist can also help you process your overwhelming emotions in a safe, non-judgmental space where you can both fall completely apart, as well as learn the best coping mechanisms for you.
Self-compassion includes giving yourself permission to just be who you need to be. To think, feel, act, rest and recover in the best way that you can. Self-compassion is also not judging yourself for having a spiritual crisis, or even questioning your faith as a result of tragedy. How many times did even the Prophets of Allah confess that they were weak and needed His help to get through their struggles? Like any other relationship, our relationship with Allah will be stronger at times than others, but Allah told us at any given moment, if we walk towards Him he will run towards us. We were created weak & our faith vacillates, but Allah is consistent and more loving than we can imagine.
Allah gives us opportunities to act upon our humanity and empathy. At the aftermath of tragedies many of us cannot help but to question how Allah allowed this to happen? But what we forget to ask is what can we do as people, as a community, and as a society to prevent something like this from happening again? Where there is poverty, there are charitable people working to end or reduce their suffering. Where there is illness there are doctors and researchers healing and finding cure. Where there is war there are people who dedicate their lives to social justice and peace. To every ailment in this world there is hope, love, and cure. If there were no illnesses (social, mental, or physical) there would also be no opportunity for us to utilize our empathy, our generosity, and all of our good qualities Allah has bestowed upon us.
As for the disease of mental health especially depression and the act of suicide, there are mental health professionals and others who work tirelessly to provide, advocate for and destigmatize mental health services. Suicide has unfortunately become an epidemic in today’s society and it is most commonly the result of severe depression and other risk factors. (Please see link below to my previous article on why suicide occurs)*
All of us have been touched by health, environmental, and historical risk factors that can contribute to suicide. And for many the prohibition of suicide by Allah (swt) is a protective factor against taking their lives. But others may need more protection. Experts have noted that the difference between a person following through on a plan for suicide and a person who decides to give life one more chance is another person who is willing to listen. When people are drowning in their own pain and on the verge of ending their life, the last thing they need is to be shamed, questioned, or judged. Allah may have forbidden the act of suicide, but only Allah knows the contents of people’s minds and hearts. Only HE has the capacity to judge so there is little benefit in trying to determine their fate in afterlife, rather, it is more beneficial to discuss what we can do as a community to promote suicide prevention and protect others from a similar demise.
As for your child who lost his/her life as a result of suicide. Again, only Allah knows what was happening in your child’s mind and heart. And we believe that Allah’s mercy and compassion is beyond our comprehension. Remember the hadith where the sahabah were asked if they believed a breastfeeding woman would throw her child into the hell fire? When they responded with no, the Prophet told them that Allah is more merciful with His slaves than this woman is with her child. Allah also told us that out of 100 parts of mercy, one part was given to us on this earth. This one part puts mercy even in the hearts of wild animals so that they do not kill their offspring. The rest of the 99 parts of mercy is reserved for the day of judgement. Scholars agree that only Allah can judge a person who commits suicide and that a person who is mentally ill (ie. experiences depression) cannot make sound decisions and will NOT be held accountable for their actions. And yes, it is absolutely ok to lean on family and loved ones for strength and support during these difficult times. Hold on to them for as long as you need to.
Why the path of your child took this turn we will never know for certain. But what we do know for certain, is that Allah is the Most Merciful and He is Wise. Perhaps your child’s end was also an end to his/her suffering. And perhaps your child now can lay in peace and rest until you are reunited with your child again.
I do not believe that suicide should be considered by those who are suffering. I believe that there is help and treatment available for those who feel helpless, hopeless and are considering ending their life. I also believe that those who have committed suicide should not be judged or vilified. It is not our place. I pray that Allah protect all of us from mental pain and suffering. I pray that He protects especially our children from this anguish. I pray that our community does a better job of educating itself on the signs, symptoms and detection of severe depression and suicide. I pray that our community removes the stigma of seeking mental health services so that people can get the help they need in order to live a full, joyful and healthy life with their loved ones. Ameen.
*My previous article on Suicide p.54
https://issuu.com/isnacreative/docs/ih_september-october_18
Resources for loved ones:
https://afsp.org/find-support/ive-lost-someone/resources-loss-survivors/
Helpful Articles:
National Suicide Hotline:
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Your Sister in Islam,
Afshana Haque, PhD, LMFT-S (Fatima V)
