Abusive mother
–Please be aware the following post contains graphic descriptions of abuse that may not be suitable for all readers–
I am a 20 year old girl. I live with my parents and today is my first time I’m sharing this with anyone.
My mother is abusive. Mentally,emotionally and physically. She has been my whole life but I always made myself think it was me.
I was a really bright child, a high achiever and incredibly active socially. It all changed once I hit my teens. I don’t know what triggered such behavior, but for some reason my mother made it a habit to physically abuse me. My first encounter was probably when I was 13, I remember it had something to do with me spending too much time in front of the computer. It’s a bit blurred in my memory but she swung the computer across the room, twisted my arm and dragged my with it. IDK where it all really started worsening but I knew really early on that the way she was abusing me was not normal.
A few of the things she did to me include beating me really badly with her legs or punching me in the face and stomach constantly or knocking objects in my head and then when I lay on the floor traumatized, crying, shaking from fear she took me to the bathroom and splashed cold water onto me (it was winters) cuz she thought I had lost my mind from all the beating and wanted to see if I would react normally to that.
None of this was normal, I knew, but I thought that I am the problem. All throughout my teens I blamed myself because every time she would beat me up, in the end she would cry loudly and ask Allah what her sin is that she is paying for. I would lay there, my bones aching and I did not realize then but her cries were just a way to twist the whole situation and play the victim. It worked on me. I would feel guilty. And I would feel sorry. Her anger would get triggered by the smallest of things, this one time I only slightly complained about not getting the bigger bag of chips, she was sitting next to me watching television, she got mad at me for that and threw the remote right at me. The sharp corner tore through my skin and I started bleeding really badly from my head and started getting dizzy from losing too much blood. She tried treating it at home but then realized she couldnt get away with that so she took me to the hospital and lied that I was playing outside and fell. She told me to lie about my age because a 15 year old would never play outside like that and get injured. That is nothing compared to what she has done to me after that incident even. We were on a family trip once and she wanted me to wear something cuz we were gonna visit some relatives there but I wanted to wear something else. (also, I was like 18 here so pretty old), we got into a small argument and next thing i know she slammed a brush and a mirror onto my head causing it to break. It’s a surprise I haven’t had a concussion yet after all the blows I received to my head. Cups, Glasses, Sticks, rods you name it. My one eye is droopy permanently because she poked the backside of a brush into it so hard I can still see the flashes when I close my eyes. You would wonder why I haven’t reported this to the police yet, or told this to anyone. It’s because where I come from, doing that is not okay. Even if I could, I wouldn’t. I know she wont be affected in the slightest, some outsider would never in a million years guess a woman this kind, this gentle and loving could do something like that.
Before, when I used to reflect upon all this, it would make me cry but now it doesn’t. And that’s what scares me. She has destroyed me confidence, my self-esteem. I am not motivated for anything in life and from thorough analysis, I have come to realize that a human, when a human is made to feel and tortured like that, they lose all contact with their true human identity. I feel as though my whole brain’s been programmed over the years , I feel like a loser, a burden on everyone, I am overly apologetic and I have paranoia about everything and everyone. As much as I would like to change it, I have permanently lost all sense of self-worth. What I have written about is excluding all the CRUEL comments I have received from her throughout these years, about me, my face, my body.Ad much as I know it’s wrong to think so, all these years of abuse have made me believe I am unworthy of love. I have fallen for men who could trick me just by their affection because the warmth that I have been starved of all these years has left me so SO vulnerable. I hate myself more than anything and I know there’s nothing wrong with me and that it was her but once you get to this stage, there’s no going back. I hate when I look in the mirror and I see my ‘big masculine build’, or my ‘non-existent woman parts’, or when I see my ‘dark skin color’, or my ‘fat legs’. My friends think I am attractive, they tell me I am, guys have complimented me BUT TO ME ALL OF THAT IS ALL LIES. AND I KNOW I SOUND INCREDIBLY IMMATURE SAYING This but you don’t understand, the state I am in has no way back. I could now be the most attractive person on earth but WHAT SHE HAS FORCED INTO MY HEAD WILL NEVER LEAVE. I HAVE BEEN ANOREXIC BECAUSE OF HER COMMENTS AND HAVE HAD HEALTH COMPLICATIONS AS A RESULT.
In my 14-16 years of age, I was depressed,numb,emotionally incapable to feel anything and suicidal. I attempted suicide twice but failed. I wish I was suicidal now, but what’s scary is I’m not. I don’t feel enough for me to consider suicide. being suicidal is better because it means you feel ‘alive’ and you feel as though death would make a difference. I don’t
I KNOW I AM THE VICTIM here but I feel so evil all the time. all these years I was evil, I made her cry, I made her life stressful. When I close my eyes I can see the one time I was on the floor and she kicked me in the face 7-8 times. I felt less human then and even more now. It’s like after every beating, I feel less human. I am writing this now because I am a 20 year old now, and she physically abused me again (now it’s less often than before but it still happens). It’s routine now for me, every time she is about to start I sit really still and tell her to go ahead.It’s almost like I am a slave to her, for her to let out her inner frustrations on.. I don’t and will never hit her back because she is my mother, I will never tell anyone because ‘she has the right to do that to me because she birthed me’ is what I will be told back.
I loved her and still do because she is my mother. What’s scary is we were always normal. we were completely normal. she talked to me, she enjoyed my company, I loved her always.It’s like a normal mother daughter relationship but something gets into her every once in a while and she would forget everything and destroy me. Obviously, over the years I have distanced myself from her, I don’t go to her at all, I stay in my room after I get home, I stay away from her as much as I can because my subconscious still fears her. But she has only used this to portray me even more so as the ‘spoiled brat’ who deserved all this all along. After all the abuse I am not the same person and I know that, I don’t care for my future and my academics, I am an emotional wreck, I cry at the smallest of things but when I get beaten up or something really saddening happens, I go numb and feel nothing. I am a loser and again, all of that is used by her to portray me as the spoiled brat of the house. To her, all of this is nothing. To her, all of this is normal. I know now for a fact that she is a psychopath or a sociopath of some form).
I’m only sharing my story to let the burden off of my chest. I hope I can leave soon, be away from her and forget about my past. I hope I find my passions and motivation again and I hope I become capable to love again someday. (sorry if my English was bad it’s not my first language)
I am not and never will be the same….
Asalamoalaikum sister,
Your story broke my heart. You are a brave woman to share your story here. I’m praying for you.
I cannot imagine how the beatings must have damaged you physically and psychologically. May Allah (swt) give you patience, strength and courage. AmeenThe Prophet (ﷺ) told a man who never kissed his own children, “verily, whoever does not show mercy will not receive mercy.” This would apply to your parents as well!
First of all, abusive behavior falls under the category of oppression. By treating you this way, your mother oppressed you. And the Quran has very strong condemnations is oppressors. It does not single out any specific category of oppressor, be they parent or child, sibling or person of authority, friend or foe, relative or boss. But the act of oppression is associated with denying someone their rights. It also includes oppression of someone under one’s authority or control, which would include parents. it still is true that the Quran specifies that the child must respect and honor their parents, regardless of their behavior, but it does not say anywhere the child must submit to abuse. Rather he should complain to others about this, such as other family members or members of his community. Of course, many children have no such person they can talk to, especially in cases of abuse where the abuser may try to isolate the child. Even to complain to authorities at school in this case would be not only permissible but encouraged. In a sense, it is important for oppressed people generally to fight their oppression. A child could take some measures against the parent’s abuse without insulting or acting hostile to them.
I would recommend that you try contacting an imaam in the community or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. If you go to college, seek counseling on campus as students get free sessions every semester.
You are NOT weak. You are NOT to blame or at fault for this horrific abuse. May Allah (swt) show your mother the right path to imaan so she may appreciate the daughter she has. Ameen
Don’t lose faith in Allah (swt).
Jazak Allah.Sincerely,
Your sister in Islam
Fatima U
Assalamu ‘alaykum,
I am sorry your message got cut off towards the end. I was just seeing little rays of hope and was curious how you were feeling after you had the courage to write out all the many ways that you have been harmed over the past 7 years.
You have lived lifetimes of pain in those 7 years, and I’m sorry to hear about it, and how it’s impacted you.
Your story reminds me of the clients I’ve sat across from in my therapy practice, many of whom are young women who have had difficult childhoods at the hands of people they love. They describe many of the same things that you do — feeling numb, feeling disconnected from people and life, feeling intense self hatred and self blame for their situations, feeling deep love for the person that is both their parent AND the source of their pain. Unfortunately, the symptoms you describe are quite normal for survivors of abuse, and I hear that a part of you is quite hopeless, convinced that nothing will change.
Yet, you reached out.
So there is a part of you that believes… or maybe just dreams that there *could* be a future where you are safe…. and maybe even loved.
I know it’s hard to take in right now, and even harder to hold onto…. but that part of you holds a truth that is important… it CAN get better.
Your first priority is to figure out a way to get and stay safe.
Your body is a gift from Allah (swt). How can you find a way to protect it from the abuse it’s enduring?
There are hotlines, shelters, domestic violence services, and others that are set up to help.
You could also slowly work towards becoming financially independent and moving to your own place.
But first you have decide to try.
You said you know things in your brain but you don’t believe them in your body yet.
Is it possible for you to make the plan with your brain, and then later create the space that your body can heal?
We will be praying for you.
wa ‘alaykum salam,
Sincerely,
Your sister in Islam,
Fatima Z
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