I’m thinking about self harm at this point
I am a 14 year old female, and i’m struggling with keeping myself at peace.
My parents are being more verbally abusive towards me more and more everyday. It’s gotten to the point where I start to fantasize about their deaths. I live in a pretty strict home. My parents think i’m fine and just going through puberty at the moment, but I know that I’m not. It’s much more serious than that. I hate my life so much now that self-harm is coming to mind. I’ve always been self conscious about my weight and body shape, hating it. I want to start putting myself on a diet where I starve myself. My parents think everything is fine but it’s not, sure, some days are fine, but most of them aren’t. I especially hate my dad. He really doesn’t care or respect anyone, all he wants is power and respect for him self. Everyday I either find myself crying in the bathroom, or crying myself to sleep. My parents think i’m going psycho and don’t really even care if I am. I most likely am going to start that diet, since it helps me reach my body goal, and if I die from it, I don’t really think that’s gonna be so bad.
Assalamu ‘alaykum,
I can hear how difficult it is for you to know you are not okay and to know that your parents don’t understand that you need help.
You said that you aren’t happy with your body shape, that you find your father’s behavior to be rooted in power and control, and that you have been crying a lot and considering self harm.
That really sounds lonely and difficult.
Unfortunately, starving yourself and harming yourself will not make the actual problems go away. Most people who self harm find a moment of relief and then find that they are right back where they started. Soon they find they have to do more and more in order to find the relief they wish to feel… and still it’s just for a moment.
Lasting change requires some work, and it might not feel comfortable at first.
Do you have an adult in your life that you can trust? This might be a school counselor, an aunt or uncle, or someone at a club or perhaps at the masjid.
Some adult needs to know how much you are struggling.
If you cannot find an adult you trust, there are hotlines that you can have someone to talk to when you are feeling low.
https://preventchildabuse.org/resource/preventing-emotional-abuse/
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
800-273-TALK (8255)
Until you find an adult to talk to, you can start small by trying to notice one good thing that happens each day. You can use that to help you envision a better future – in other words, if someone at school is nice to you one day, you can write down “so and so said this nice thing to me, and ya Allah I wish for a day when nice things are said to me daily.”
When we train ourselves to notice the positive, we can vision a future with what we want in it. Then we can make a plan of who we need to talk to and what we need to do in order to make it happen.
May Allah be with you and send you Light in the darkness.
Wassalam,
Your sister in Islam,
Dr Fatima Mirza (Fatima Z)
Assalaamu Alaikum Sister,
Abuse from parents is never OK, but often times abusive behavior from parents are overlooked, especially verbal abuse. But I want to take the time to acknowledge the devastating consequences of verbal/emotional abuse. Research shows that children and teens who experience emotional abuse from parents may develop “increased risk for a lifelong pattern of depression, estrangement, anxiety, low self-esteem, inappropriate or troubled relationships…” It sounds like you are experiencing many of these consequences as well as feelings of neglect. These feelings are serious and I encourage you to seek help because you are important, valuable, and deserve to live the best life possible. At age 14, yes you have been living under the rules of your parents, but this is temporary. You will get older and be more independent one day, and imagine all that you have yet to experience and that you would deny yourself if you gave up now.
If you are finding that your parents are incapable of providing you with the help and care you need please reach out to another trusted adult. Seeking out relatives or parents of close friends would be ideal. Being alone in these types of situations only make matters worse and the support and validation of a trusted adult or friend can make a huge difference in how you feel. When you find yourself in a dark place, try to come out of it by distracting yourself and focusing on things that elevate your mood ie. music, funny videos, movement, hobbies etc. These activities, at the least, may keep you from spiraling down further into thoughts of suicide. Eating healthy and exercising will not only contribute to your body goals but will also improve your mood. If you cannot get yourself away from dark thoughts and cannot find support then please contact the national suicide hotline. They even have an online chat if you do not feel like talking. Finally, if it is possible for you to get any type of counseling (possibly through school), or therapy I think you may find it tremendously helpful.
https://preventchildabuse.org/resource/preventing-emotional-abuse/
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Your Sister in Islam,
Dr Afshana Haque, PhD, LMFT-S (Fatima V)
Asalamoalaikum,
You are such a brave and courageous 14 year old that you posted for help.
Puberty is definitely a very challenging and chaotic time in everyone’s life. Please don’t lose hope or faith in Allah (swt). He tests his strongest people. This is a very heart breaking test for you.
I am terribly sorry that you are having to go through such difficult times. Parents are created by Allah (swt) to take care, nurture and love their children. I’m sorry that your parents are doing otherwise. It breaks my heart.
You have our prayers that may Allah (swt) guide your parents to help and love you. Ameen
If possible talk to a trusted adult about your depression and self harm issues. InshAllah they might be able to help you out. Also speak with your school counselor too in order to build that support system. If you have friends, talk to them.
I can truly understand how much you are hurting and wanting help. May Allah ease your mind and heart. Ameen
Jazak Allah
Sincerely,
Your Sister in Islam
Sarah Butt (Ansari) LPC (Fatima U)
HA18
Salaaam sweetheart,
I can hear your sense of hopelessness and despair in your letter. I am sorry that you are going through this and are in such a tough situation with your parents.
Please know that your life does not solely encompass your parents. I get that our parents play an extremely enormous role in our lives. However the truth is that your parents are just one aspect of who you are and, just like all of us in this world, you have a universe of other things to offer. Put them in the perspective that they belong – you are 14 right now and so I understand they are currently a big part of your life. But you will not be 14 forever. You are just at the beginning of gaining your independence. Soon you will get a license, maybe you can buy a car, and of course there will be college. Now and these next few years are the time to take some actions that will give you back some power in your life. We turn to self-harm because it gives us a sense of some power, but it’s not the right way. For example, try to join some student organizations or see if there are any youth groups at your mosque or other community areas you could join. If there some places you could volunteer as part of student service that would also give you a chance to get some separation. I don’t know that much about your situation to see if your parents would prevent such a thing, but if they do, you may be able to find some supportive groups online you could turn to. If the thought of these social activities gives you some anxiety, turn to actual hobbies you like to do. Maybe you like painting, writing, or some types of sports. The point is to try to do something just for you that does not involve your parents so you can learn more about who you are.
This is it – your one life. You deserve to own it.
I would also like to say that our parents never got a handbook on how to be a perfect parent. Your father is probably actually trying his best based on the type of childhood he had. It’s a vicious cycle. A lot of the ways he acts does not have anything to do with you, but with how he treats himself. Unfortunately for him, know that they way he talks to you and others is the way he talks to himself in his head.
Please keep us updated on your endeavors ahead. I pray for a beautiful and successful life for you ahead.
Selina Ali
Words can cut. Words can bruise and maim. It’s just, nobody else can see these injuries. I can only imagine the pain you must be feeling, if you are thinking about physically harming yourself to cope from your parents’ hurtful words. The thing is, taking this route will only further your suffering. It will not make them better parents. It will not fix your situation.
Instead, know that Allah, the Owner of all Majesty, lovingly created you exactly as He desired, and Allah is perfect. If another imperfect human is making you feel unworthy, remember that He has long before established your worth. Each tear that you cried is precious to Him. You are deserving of love and kindness.
Hang on during these tough times. The remedy for the wounds of harsh words can be kind words that you tell yourself. Think about all the goodness that Allah has instilled in you. I’ll start: You are resourceful and brave.