My mother physically abused me
I am a female and 17.
The day before yesterday, was my last exam. I wanted time to enjoy and rest but my mother said I have to learn how to cook. I don’t like cooking, and considering that my exams had just finished I told her I needed rest. But she forced me to cook. It was a dish I’ve never made before. I had no recipe to follow. She was telling me step by step what to do. Naturally, there were mistakes and she was scolding me a lot for it. Like when the onions got too brown, when I didn’t put a lid on the pot (she hadn’t told me to do it in the first place, so I had no idea I had to do that), when chilli was less than what she asked and after mixing everything, she asked me to taste and check if it was okay. She wanted me to put that hot liquid in my hand and lick to taste. Because it was too hot, I took the liquid in a spoon and went to her so she could check. She scolded me for that too. That everyone does it, and I’m not that sensitive to burn with just some liquid. After everything was done, she said to check after some time if the water was less and add more. I went to my room and started using my mobile. Literally 3-4 minutes later, she came and started shouting about how I had ruined the dish and water was so less now. I went to kitchen and took the water bottle to put more water in and she stopped me. Said to bring another thing. I said let me put water first. But she said stop talking back and bring the other thing. At this time, I got angry and said I will put water in first as it was so important. She shouted and said to bring that thing. I said I don’t want to cook anymore and came to my room. She came in after me and shouted again to come back to the kitchen. I was really angry now after all the scolding and shouting for a thing I didn’t even want to do. I said I won’t come back. She pulled my hand but I didn’t come. She started beating me on my legs. It was certainly not the first time and I was not going. She strangled my throat and said in a weird voice that she would kill me. I got really afraid and even said the kalma. I said i will cook. She was grabbing both my hands by then and took me to kitchens. Our door is near the kitchen and my sister was standing there, afraid too by all that happened i shouted at her to open the door and ran outside. I went to my friend’s house. I was shaking really bad by then and crying. I asked for her phone to call my father ( he had gone to our home country to meet his family. His vacation for for 16 days and had been gone for 2 days now). But he had changed the sim and wasn’t picking the phone. I just cried harder. I was so afraid my mother would do something to me. My brother came to the friend’s house to tell that mom was looking for me and had told them that she will break my legs when she find me. My friend called our neighbour and she went to my mom. Talked to her then came to me and said that my mom’s blood pressure was low and she was crying. That she said she works all the time and I don’t do anything. She td me to go home but i said i didn’t want to. After she went, my mom came to ny friend’s home and dragged me back home. All the time saying she’ll make sure i don’t walk again. When we got home, she locked the door and told my sister to bring the lighter. I started crying more and said this is not how mothers are. They don’t do this. She stepped back and i took her phone andvran to my friend again. Told her to lock the door and called my dad from there. ( this is NOT the first time this happened. She has strangled me before too. 4 times now. The first being in 3rd geade when i couldn’t solve a sum. My dad says when she gets too angry she gies into a state and forgets everything. Who is in front and what she’s doing. So he has told me before not to anger my mom and do as she says. ) this time he said the same thing. Blamed me for talking back and angering her further. He cancelled his ticket and came hone that night but told me to don’t come at that tine. I slept at my friend’s and came to my home in the morning. My mother started coming at me saying that she doesn’t want me to live in the house and told my dad to get me out if my dad wasn’t holding her then, I’m sure she would have done something to me again. My father calmed her down and came to me. we talked. I told him to take her to a psychiatrist ir she will kill me he can’t always stay home to protect me from my own mother. Niw i don’t know if she is lying or doesn’t remember, but all the horrid things she did and said to me, she said she didn’t do. According to her i didn’t cook and was rude so she slapped me and i ran outside. She’s more angry that i didn’t take scarf before going out and didn’t tell where i was going and she had to go out in the heat to fond me and i was resting in my friend’s house. My father has calmed her down now and told me to clean the house so she can feel better. I did it but now i feel like crying again. I cleaned so she can feel better but what about me. She didn’t even say sorry. Not that i would have forgiven her. I said to my dad if she does it again, i will call the police but i don’t think i can. Niw my father has gone for namaz and I’m feeling afraid again. I honestly think she’ll kill me. That’s how much I’m afraid of her. I want to talk to a therapist but i know my father won’t let me. Being it money issue or that i don’t need it. I feel like my mom is making me a mental patient too. I told my dad to take her to a psychiatrist and he said okay but it wasn’t the type of okay that meant okay. It was just so i could stop talking about it. He saus the solution is to stop talking back. I’ve tried not talking back but i can’t. There always is something which one of us says and the other gets angry. I’ve tried not talking to her but it doesn’t help. I’m afraid for my life in my own home now.
Ik it’s too long but i had to give the bg information
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Assalamu ‘alaykum,
My heart is filled with sadness as I read your story. I can feel how afraid and lonely you feel.
It’s always heartbreaking when a child is truly afraid of a parent.
There is nothing in the Qur’an or Sunnah that I have read that justifies the kind of violence you describe in your post.
Obviously I wasn’t there and can only rely on what you have written, so I cannot make a diagnosis or tell you what is going on with your mom. I worry from what you wrote that she may have in her own history deep pain, that maybe someone did to her what she is doing to you. The fact that she says she cannot remember doing the things you experienced is also concerning. It makes me worry about whether she is able to make a change even if she wants to. Not talking back or avoiding your mom might help in the short run, but what she is struggling with appears to be the kind of mental health issue that will not get better without treatment. These kinds of symptoms usually require years of treatment, and that sometimes the symptoms will get worse before they get better.
Of course, what you describe her doing to you is not okay. I hope you never fear for your life again. At the same time, I find that when I can see the pain behind the horrible action, I can keep myself from hardening my heart against the person while I figure out what I need to do to keep myself or someone else safe.
On that note, if you feel that you are not safe at home, work with your father to find alternate living arrangements for yourself and any of your siblings that may need it.
You are right that your mom should get assessed by a psychiatrist and a licensed mental health professional — and soon. They will be able to talk to her and anyone else in the family they need to in order to tell you better than I what might be troubling your mom. It would definitely be a good idea to have your own therapist. I noticed you mentioned that your family might struggle with finances, so if you have to choose who to send to therapy first I would encourage your mom to be in treatment immediately, and that when you start working you can find a therapist to help you unpack everything you’ve been through so that you don’t bring your own pain into your future relationships.
I know that in the United States, when this kind of incident happens, children can be removed from the family home until the parent receives services. Often these services are provided by the state. I am not sure if you live in the US or if where you live there are similar laws, but this is a very dangerous situation to try to solve without seeking treatment — both legally and (more importantly) for the health and safety of you and your siblings. I do hope that your father finds the strength to seek help even though he is worried about what people may think and I do hope, now that you are older, you are able to help yourself and your siblings.
May Allah (swt) be with you as there are a lot of difficult decisions ahead.
Sincerely,
Your sister in Islam
“Fatima Z”
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As Salaam Alaikum,
My dear sister, I am so sorry for all the pain you have been through. No child, no one should ever live in fear in their own home.
First I would like to reiterate what Fatima has said: if you feel you or your siblings are in immediate danger, please seek immediate assistance from family members or friends where you will be safe.
I also agree that you should consider seeing a professional licensed therapist in your area. Perhaps at your university or school there is a therapist that can help you or direct you to family service department and or an abuse hotline where you can speak to someone immediately. For example here in the US, we have the National Child Abuse Hotline that provides help and resources for your specific area.
I am unsure what the causes of your mothers behaviors are, and would recommend she be assessed by a professional psychiatrist, should she chose to do so. However, you cannot force her to see a therapist and if she is unaware of the severity of her abuse, it is likely going to be difficult for much change to come without the help of a professional therapist. That does not mean you should be living in fear or should be sacrificing your own mental wellbeing. Abuse of any kind, emotional or physical, can lead a developing brain to trauma and long term consequences. There are no simple rules here, on how to deal with this situation, however here are a few insights that might be of help:
1. Like mentioned before seek a good licensed professional therapist. Mental support is so essential in this situation.
2. Take care of yourself physically. Studies have shown that the endorphins released during physical activity are beneficial to mental health and mood. But beyond that there are chemicals stimulated that improve your thinking and judgment skills, which can be important if someone is trying to psychologically manipulate you.
3. Pray. Build your connection with the Creator. Sit with Him and build a relationship that will bring some peace and guidance to you. “And your Lord says, “Call upon Me; I will respond to you.” {Quran 40:60}
There is no doubt that Islam gives parents a very high status, and they are to be shown respect by their children. However, showing respect does not equate to tolerating any kind of abuse. While parents’ rights have been mentioned in the Qur’an, so has the importance of speaking out against injustice — even if one has to speak out against one’s own parents or relatives. {Quran 4:135}
The Prophet (PBUH) was reported to have said, “Fear Allah, the Almighty, and be fair and just to all your children. [If you treat them unjustly,] Seek the testimony of another person, other than me. I will not testify to an act of injustice.” [Sahih Bukhari]
My duas are with you and I sincerely pray you find resolve soon.
With love,Your sister in Islam
“Fatima X”
Please also view Fatima’s response and other supportive comments on the related post: https://www.stonestobridges.org/2019/08/12/where-does-child-abuse-and-respecting-ones-parents-in-islam-intermingle/
Anonymous
Assalaamu Alaikum Sister,
It is absolutely never OK for parents to hit, hurt, or torture their child physically, psychologically, emotionally or mentally under ANY circumstances. And yes, this includes if the child is talking back, not listening, acting up, etc etc. There seems to be a great deal of implication that this is somehow your fault (ie. saying if only you stopped talking back she would stop becoming angry) or that you somehow have control over your mother’s reactions. I want to emphasize that this is not your fault and there is no justification for a mother abusing her child (or anyone abusing anybody for that matter) or making her child feel unsafe. First and foremost, when you are actively feeling threatened, call your local authorities (911 in the US) and find safe places including: the home of trusted friends or relatives, community centers, and youth shelters. You could also seek sanctuary in public spaces where there are a large number of people such as libraries, malls, playgrounds, schools, and parks. If therapy is not an option for you right now, inform trusted adults who can be helpful too you such as doctors, teachers, coaches etc. You may have access to free counseling or therapy if you are in school or attend a university. Check it out. In the meantime, you could call crisis hotline numbers for child abuse. The following are specific to US and then Canada. Since I do not know where you are located, search for something similar in your area.
https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/reslist/tollfree/
https://kidshelpphone.ca/get-info/10-places-go-if-you-dont-feel-safe-home/
Unfortunately, as the other sister mentioned, abuse can be passed down trans-generationally. If your mother is dealing with some sort of serious mental health disorder, that may have been passed down to her as well. If she does not get the help she needs, the best you can do is acquire help for yourself. In the therapy setting after getting you the physical help you need and establishing a safety plan, the family therapist will focus on: helping you process the trauma you have been through; help you with any mental health issues that you maybe dealing with (depression, anxiety, or maybe something that has been passed down from your mother’s side etc.), help you improve any self-esteem or self-worth they may have become compromised throughout the years of abuse; help you understand the roles of family members and dynamics of the family and other systemic factors at play. And of course, anything else you feel is important to discuss. For the success of your future relationships and to break free from the cycle of abuse, it is important to understand both 1) how much you deserve to be protected and free from abuse 2) and the severity of abuse and broken-ness of the abuser herself.
In addition to the above mentioned suggestions, since you are 17, it maybe in your best interest to work towards becoming financially independent as quickly as possible so that you can feasibly maintain a safe distance from your mother. It is wonderful that your father tries to help you in difficult situations with your mother, but as you mentioned, if he is not around all the time to protect you from her then you need to find alternatives while maintaining as much support from him as possible. May Allah grant you the strength to overcome these obstacles, grant you ease in finding safety and help, and grant you healing from any trauma that has developed. Ameen.
Your Sister in Islam,
Afshana Haque, PhD, LMFT-S (Fatima V)
Anonymous
I know saying trust in Allah or God or the universe or a counselor and have faith is an easy thing to say. As a victim of abuse, I can honestly say that you will get through this, and things will get better. I know that in our darkest times we may feel abandoned, but I have received proof over the years that every tear that falls, every desperate prayer, every injustice is answered in kind by God. I will give you an example. My abuser gaslit me like crazy, lied to me, abused me, abandoned me, and then spread vicious, awful rumors around the community about me, terrorizing me and my family, in a public campaign of sexual harassment. He was a liar and a fraud, and induced me into the marriage via fraud. He committed several types of fraud, and I reported him to the authorities. They started an investigation. This week, I found out he pled guilty in federal court to — guest what — FRAUD and theft. He is facing jail time and has a federal conviction. He had to surrender his passport, he will lose his assets, he will lose money, he had to post bond, he has a criminal record, he was fired from his job, he’ll never work in influential places again, etc. etc. He probably will be shunned by his own family. He is exposed publicly: it’s in the press and the Department of Justice released a statement about his case and specifically quoted his instances of fraud. God is so so great and so just. And I had so so many people who were there to support me. I pray that you have that too and that God sends you relief in unexpected ways. I hope that you take comfort and have the strength to report her, to fight back, and to expose her to the world. Don’t rest until you get the justice and peace you deserve.
Amber
I know saying trust in Allah or God or the universe or a counselor and have faith is an easy thing to say. As a victim of abuse, I can honestly say that you will get through this, and things will get better. I know that in our darkest times we may feel abandoned, but I have received proof over the years that every tear that falls, every desperate prayer, every injustice is answered in kind by God. I will give you an example. My abuser gaslit me like crazy, lied to me, abused me, abandoned me, and then spread vicious, awful rumors around the community about me, terrorizing me and my family, in a public campaign of sexual harassment. He was a liar and a fraud, and induced me into the marriage via fraud. He committed several types of fraud, and I reported him to the authorities. They started an investigation. This week, I found out he pled guilty in federal court to — guest what — FRAUD and theft. He is facing jail time and has a federal conviction. He had to surrender his passport, he will lose his assets, he will lose money, he had to post bond, he has a criminal record, he was fired from his job, he’ll never work in influential places again, etc. etc. He probably will be shunned by his own family. He is exposed publicly: it’s in the press and the Department of Justice released a statement about his case and specifically quoted his instances of fraud. God is so so great and so just. And I had so so many people who were there to support me. I pray that you have that too and that God sends you relief in unexpected ways. I hope that you take comfort and have the strength to report her, to fight back, and to expose her to the world. Don’t rest until you get the justice and peace you deserve.
Anonymous
When I read your post my eyes filled with tears. I have no solutions or magic words that can help with your situation, but I am praying for you, your safety, and your health. I am so sorry that you have to endure such abuse and I truly hope your mom gets the help she needs and that you are able to find safety and tranquility in the midst of this all. You are in my prayers.
Your Friend
Salaam dear, I’m terribly sorry for all you are going through. It’s the ones we love most that can hurt us the most. When it comes to abuse, the abuser will often come up with any excuse for the abuse, so know it’s not you. And it’s easier to defend your mom, the abuser, than you, the abused.
If your mom doesn’t get help, I would hope you can leave for university soon. It’s not a cure all but space will help. And it will be a safe haven for your sisters once your mom starts going after them.
Anonymous
As Salaam Alaikum,
My dear sister, I am so sorry for all the pain you have been through. No child, no one should ever live in fear in their own home.
First I would like to reiterate what Fatima has said: if you feel you or your siblings are in immediate danger, please seek immediate assistance from family members or friends where you will be safe.
I also agree that you should consider seeing a professional licensed therapist in your area. Perhaps at your university or school there is a therapist that can help you or direct you to family service department and or an abuse hotline where you can speak to someone immediately. For example here in the US, we have the National Child Abuse Hotline that provides help and resources for your specific area.
I am unsure what the causes of your mothers behaviors are, and would recommend she be assessed by a professional psychiatrist, should she chose to do so. However, you cannot force her to see a therapist and if she is unaware of the severity of her abuse, it is likely going to be difficult for much change to come without the help of a professional therapist. That does not mean you should be living in fear or should be sacrificing your own mental wellbeing. Abuse of any kind, emotional or physical, can lead a developing brain to trauma and long term consequences. There are no simple rules here, on how to deal with this situation, however here are a few insights that might be of help:
1. Like mentioned before seek a good licensed professional therapist. Mental support is so essential in this situation.
2. Take care of yourself physically. Studies have shown that the endorphins released during physical activity are beneficial to mental health and mood. But beyond that there are chemicals stimulated that improve your thinking and judgment skills, which can be important if someone is trying to psychologically manipulate you.
3. Pray. Build your connection with the Creator. Sit with Him and build a relationship that will bring some peace and guidance to you. “And your Lord says, “Call upon Me; I will respond to you.” {Quran 40:60}
There is no doubt that Islam gives parents a very high status, and they are to be shown respect by their children. However, showing respect does not equate to tolerating any kind of abuse. While parents’ rights have been mentioned in the Qur’an, so has the importance of speaking out against injustice — even if one has to speak out against one’s own parents or relatives. {Quran 4:135}
The Prophet (PBUH) was reported to have said, “Fear Allah, the Almighty, and be fair and just to all your children. [If you treat them unjustly,] Seek the testimony of another person, other than me. I will not testify to an act of injustice.” [Sahih Bukhari]
My duas are with you and I sincerely pray you find resolve soon.
With love,
Anonymous
With love and prayers to you.