Are men protectors and maintainers of women?

Dear Fatima,

I am a 31 year old female living in US.I don’t think that these days men are protectors and maintainers of women, I won’t say that all men are not but if I recall my experience with men none of them proved to be my maintainers and the reason to this question is a mystery in my life and that is why I am here to share about the things which are beyond my level of understanding. I am doctor from Pakistan and it all started when I was in medical college. I was in love with my senior doctor Mr. A who was 3 years elder than me , was from northern area of Pakistan and we had a relationship. He never introduced me to his family as he said they won’t accept anyone outside of pathan tribe but if that was the case why did he even started the relationship? At this age I can totally understand that men will take advantage if a women is bound to love him but at that tender age emotions and feelings really didn’t know any boundaries and you just think this is the eternal love. It would have been okay if that would have been the only case but unfortunately things got flared up when one of his male friend made a negative remark on my character and modesty that I have slept with his friend which was not at all true. The only thing which was valuable to me was my respect and no men/women has any right to say something about anyone’s character if they really don’t know the person and don’t know the truth. I still remember that day when one of my friend told me how my character was exploited for no valid reason and how much insulted and humiliated I felt at that time because I thought and feared that each one of the student in medical school will just assume whatever the rumor gets to their ear. I cried badly that day as my family was in US and I was there alone on my own. You cannot just quit when everything is at stake and you have to be strong and have to go to your university each and every day and in your mind you are really worried that how everyone will look at you. Mr. A was already done with his studies and went back to his hometown in northern Pakistan when one of his friend said ill words against me and when I called him to tell what his friend said to one of my best friend’s friend Mr. A denied and said his friend cannot say anything of this sort and did not trust me whatever I told him. At that time I approached directly the person who said wrong about me and started flirting/relationship with him to make him realize that I was virgin and never had spent any night out with someone. Mr. A got to know about him and contacted me to just get over with the relationship with his friend and I did. I just wanted to teach Mr. A a lesson that you trusted your friend and he easily started relationship with me and wanted to make his friend realize that I was pure in each and every way. To have a relationship in no way means that you are sexually active with your lover some people just know their boundaries. I was over with all this as I knew by my final year of medical school that Mr.A would not marry me in any way and I just wasted my emotions/feelings on someone not worthy of it. In my final year one of the orthopedic surgeon approached me through one of the residents there and gave me marriage proposal but the instant I told him the truth that how I had been in a past relationship he turned me down and said he cannot marry me. I don’t know when I got that respectable proposal I was really happy and thought that this is the man for me but after telling the truth after meeting for 4 to 5 times all my happiness went down the drain because men just want someone who has never been in a relationship and if you are honest and would tell the truth no one respects that. It was the 2nd time rejection I had to face and that moment I went to depression state that because I had a relationship in past now I would not find any good person in my life. At that time I went to facebook and searched my fb inbox and contacted one of the guy who had texted me to become friend. I met with him for 4 times and he proposed me and I met with his family too. After this I flew back to US and told my parents and gave my mom his number after which my mom spoke with him and his family for nearly 2 years. Then in 2014 I was engaged but it was a long distance engagement ceremony and then in 2016 I flew back to Pakistan and got married. After 15 days of my marriage I had to flew back to US because I had my job commitments so it was not feasible to be in Pakistan more than 15 days. From 2012 to 2016 everything seemed to make sense as I was happy with my husband as he never gave me any kind of trouble in any way all those years but who knew that my happiness was just temporary as after 6 months of marriage one of the girl approached me and provided all the proofs that my husband was cheating on me with multiple women. After seeing and hearing the voice recordings I was devastated and never thought that my husband would betray me like this. All night long I used to cry and in the morning used to manage my job with a smile on my face so no one could figure out the pain I was going through. This left me shattered and hopeless. At that time I forgive my husband as my brother was engaged to my husband’s cousin and I thought I should just endure the pain alone as otherwise all lives will be at stake which I didn’t wanted. But after one year my brother engagement was broken as my brother wanted to marry some one else. Here comes another turning point that me and my parents were kicked off from my brother house as his gf didn’t wanted to meet us ever. Another suffering started when I had to buy a house for my parents alone .It was me again all alone and did all the paperwork and financial stuff. I still remember that when I went to the realtor I cried as to be kicked out of the house from your loved ones how would that feel. In my lifetime I have been tested mentally,physically and financially as well. I remember those days that how I used to pack all the stuff and load it in my car all alone because of which I now have sciatica pain. First I thought that maybe I was running after non mehram people that is why I was cheated but even my mehram people cheated me and taught me a lesson for my lifetime. That is why I say atleast for me none of the men proved to be my protector and maintainer. All just gave me pain and lifetime lessons. All these men in the end whether it was Mr.A, Mr. A’s friend, Proposal guy,my husband and my brother they all said sorry to me but I cannot ever forget the sufferings and the pain I have been through. I want to apply for khula from my husband but my parents are not supportive of that and want me to give him a chance but my parents don’t know that I was never protected by any men in any way and I think for me there is no men who would prove to be a real gentleman for my life as in these 10 years time period I was just gifted with pain by them. I won’t blame these men and won’t keep any ill feelings towards them as I know by all this struggle I have become a person with more empathy towards people who are wronged in many ways but now I want to stay single and just want to help people in any kind of need. Dear Fatima, please let me know if I think that living alone is the best option for me is wrong in any way?

I know divorce is the worst thing to go through but this is the best option for me after experiencing all the pain.

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Assalamu ‘alaykum, 

Reading your story, I feel your sadness and frustration. You have had to bear a lot of pain. The themes in your story mirror the ones many prophets and sahaabi have had to face – backbiting, betrayal, slander. These struggles are human struggles. 

I cannot in this type of forum answer for you whether you should divorce your husband nor tell you which type of divorce to pursue if you decide to divorce him. All I can say is that divorce is permissible in Islam. 

I encourage you to discuss your particular situation with a trusted religious scholar authorized to give you a religious ruling. 

In the meantime also consider speaking with a therapist so you have someone to support you through this process and the year ahead.

Wassalamu ‘alaykum ,

Your sister in Islam,

“Fatima Z”

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As Salaam Alaikum,

There are no easy answers and no “one size fits all” reasons to offer. I would highly recommend finding a therapist near you that will be able to help you develop tools in maneuvering the pain you have been dealing with. They will be able to offer parameters within which to gauge whether or not you should remain married to your spouse or leave and help you find your truth for this moment. Additionally as the other Fatima suggested, I also feel you should talk to a local sheikh or imam in your area to get more religious guidance. May Allah make this time easier for you.

With love,

Your sister in Islam

“Fatima X”