Why am I not as beloved as my siblings?
Dear Fatima,
I am a 16 year old girls living in Canada. I am the middle child from five children and I feel as if I am treated differently then my siblings. Some examples are how I am not allowed to insult my older siblings or tell them to shut up or else I get in huge trouble by them and my parents. My two younger siblings however cuss at me and hit me all the time and when I tell my parents all they say is it’s none of my business. My sisters both always take my stuff whether that be clothes, jewellery, money, books, etc. and ruin them but again when I tell my parent they say it’s none of our business whereas I would get yelled at and my room made a mess if I ever take anything from any of them. I’m also forced to share a room with my little sister although I am almost graduating university and whenever I talk to my parents about moving into the spare room in our basement she says girls don’t sleep in the basement. My little brother gets his own room and when I suggested that he move downstairs my mom said that he would be scared if he did (he’s 11). If my parents ever hear arguing between me and anybody else they automatically assume I’m the problem and yell at me. I’ve thought about suicide many many times but I know it’s haram and that’s why I haven’t done it. I’m constantly compared to my sisters and ridiculed and I receive nothing for getting good grades or just being a good kid like my siblings do. If my 11 year old brother misses a single meal my dad yells at me and every situation is blame on me. I’ve told my parents that’s it be nice to have a councillor to talk to and they said you can’t talk to us but whenever i say more than 2 words I talk to much. I signed for this program that’s once a week and a 10 min drive and my dad was like “you have to come to this every single week? That’s too much.” Even though my little brother has soccer 5 mins away about 4 times a week and is constantly getting rides. These situations have caused me to feel resentful towards my siblings. I’m a good kid who gets good grades. I clean and cook and wear the hijab and pray and volunteer and I try to be a good child but no matter what I do, I truly don’t feel that they love me. I think they care for my wellbeing but I don’t feel like they love me. It’s so tiring and I’m scared that a situation will occur where I will forget or just won’t care about suicide being haram and end up killing myself.
Please help me to figure something out cause I would like to have a good relationship with my family.
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Assalaamu Alaikum Sister,
It feels so incredibly heartbreaking when you experience injustice at the hands of the very people who are supposed to love you unconditionally. Unfortunately, the preferential treatment of some siblings over others often occur in families. And this can happen intentionally or unintentionally, but either way it can create severe distress including, low self-worth, depression, and anxiety among other things. It also sounds like you might be experiencing some emotional and/or physical abuse from your family (ie. being hit by your siblings, being yelled at and ridiculed to the point of feeling suicidal).
Many young people resort to maladaptive coping behaviors when experiencing such distress and hopelessness including dropping out of school, resorting to substance abuse and/or risky sexual behaviors. Nevertheless, despite your pain and difficulties you have been successful in nearing the completion of a university level degree and you even volunteer your time to serve others—a profound testament of your strength and perseverance. You also mentioned you are good student, serve your family by cooking and cleaning, pray, and wear hijab. Even if all of this goes unacknowledged by your parents, Allah the All Seeing keeps careful record. And perhaps your academic successes and your capacity to do good serve as evidence that Allah is pleased with you and has chosen to keep you on His path. May your faith and aspirations of being a genuinely good person be rewarded with blessings in both this life and the hereafter.
As we mature into adulthood, it is important we realize that our parents are flawed humans as everyone else, and are products of their upbringing and cultural context. Their deficiencies can also be the result of their own mental health issues and/or lack of good parenting role models. This does NOT mean however, that we stand helpless against them. Moreover, physical or emotional abuse is NEVER ok. Ideally, if this is a viable option for you, securing a job and gaining financial independence can help you acquire the mental health services you need and enable you to move out which will protect you from the constant negativity that effects your mental health and wellness. When parents cannot provide us the love and support we need, and moving out may not be an option, it is imperative that we find safety, love and connection from positive, alternative support networks. This will help curb the isolation you may feel as a result of your parents’ preferential treatment and resentment towards your siblings. Isolation is our worst enemy, it can exacerbate feelings of depression, hopelessness and amplify suicidal thoughts. And despite your parents reluctance, do everything you can to continue your weekly program especially if it provides you some relief.
Support systems to counter these feelings may include, friends, religious or community leaders, other relatives, teachers or even Allah (swt) Himself. Parenting deficiencies can serve as a catalyst for improving our relationship with Allah, because the less parents provide us with sufficient love and support, the more we turn to Allah, cry to Him and seek His love and comfort. Alhamdulillah, your faith in Allah and beliefs about suicide has given you the strength thus far to avoid taking your own life. May Allah continue granting you the strength you need to overcome this challenge, and may He fill your heart with the love, validation and acceptance it longs for. If you feel suicidal at any point please do not hesitate to reach out to someone you trust or call a suicide hotline. They can be an immense source of support in your dark moments.
http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/canada-suicide-hotlines.html
Khalil Center Crisis Line: 1855-5-HELPKC (435752)
Detailed hours provided in the link below
https://khalilcenter.com/crises-helpline/
Sincerely,
Your Sister in Islam
Fatima V
Nada Elessawy
Asalamu Alaikum,
I’d like to start by letting you know just how much I admire you, and I truly do want you to understand why, so that you can really see it in yourself. From what I can tell from what you’ve communicated with all of us, you have strong values. You believe in your deen in a time when it’s so hard to, and when you’re going through a tough time, and that’s so admirable. You’re smart masha allah and can perform well at school, and I believe you’ll have more opportunities in the future to showcase your abilities and talents. Additionally, helping others and volunteering is so so hard when you’ve got your own struggles to deal with, and yet you still continue to do so. You can also acknowledge when you need help, and have been able to face your situation and communicate what you’ve gone through with us. You’ve even tried to go to counseling and voiced that! That must’ve been so hard, and I really do appreciate you and the bravery it took to write everything down and share it with us. Thank you.
It’s always saddening when you feel like you’re being treated differently at home, and I understand that. I really do. Since I don’t know your parents, my advice will be rather limited in that area, but I’ll try to do the best I can, and I’d love it if you can find anything if value in my words. When parents are strict they do that for a couple of reasons, but I’d like to believe that in that strictness is love. They want you to become a better person and can therefore as a result be very strict with you. Of course, that alone is never a good way to parent, but it is an attitude that many parents have when they interact with their children. For instance, when your parents say that girls shouldn’t sleep in the basement, that in itself means that they find you too valuable to sleep there. I’m not saying that that line of reasoning is something you have to agree with, but seeing it (if that’s the case) can be a source of comfort to you, knowing that there’s love behind these words.
I also understand how frustrating dealing with your siblings can be, especially when they’re not treating you well and when you’re the person who has the blame put on them. But, I would like to believe that as all of you grow older, you’ll be able to mend your relationship, go out together, and have a good time. I know this may seem super far fetched with the position you’re in, but I really do think that anything can happen, and that people can change. For example, I had a period in time where I used to hate my brother. We would always fight or ignore each other for long periods of time. Then a couple of years passed and now we’re close friends. It’s something that happened over time and by us finding something to bond over. So I think if that’s something you want, it is a 100% an option that you can work towards in the future.
When it comes to being at a rough point in your life, there are several things that can potentially help, so I’d like to share some options with you, and I’d like it if you can really think about which of them could work for you, and slowly apply them to your life. For some people, voicing their struggles really helps, and different mediums work with different people. Some people like to keep a journal and write everything – or in that journal they may write in the third person so that they’re kinder to themselves. Some people like to confide in a close friend and spill their heart out to them. Some people need therapy and find comfort in talking to a professions (on that note, at universities, there are services for mental health, some of which may be free). There are also other things that can help you when you’re in a tough spot, this includes chasing your passions, seeing friends (or even chatting with them online), immersing yourself in a new hobby, or even helping others – as you’re doing right now. I want you to find something in life that you love. Something that you can work towards, build up on, and make entirely your own. Find that something and chase it. I also find understanding your deen to be helpful, whether it be by watching halaqat online or going to the mosque to reaffirm your connection with Allah (which I can see is something that you mashallah already have). Lastly, you can always continue to update us here. We are here for you. We care about you. And so many other people do, even if you yourself may not know it. You are important and a good person and I really do hope nothing but the best for you.
With much love,
Your sister in Islam.
HA18
Salaam sister,
I just wanted to say good for you and mashallah for being so resilient and getting this far. Reading your story was heartbreaking, especially when you say that you think they care for your wellbeing but don’t love you. It sounds to me like you also live in a VERY busy and hectic house between your all your siblings. I don’t know everything about your situation, but I think that there is one of two things happening here. One is that you have grown sensitive/biased to this because of various instances and are not seeing the times when your parents are fair to you. The other is that as the middle child, you are in an awkward position where you have to make peace and respect your elder siblings but at the same time are expected to be nice to the younger siblings. It’s possible that you have a soft/sensitive personality and have a history of accepting blame instead of standing up for yourself and or being demanding. Maybe your parents are just so busy between all the kids and their own problems that they’ve gotten into a habit of when a situation comes up, they quickly blame you so the situation goes away. That must feel very unfair and you may feel resentful and unimportant. I want to also say that they may not realize they are doing that.
In your situation, someone could feel very angry and want to run away. Feeling so angry and disappointed by the people you love the most is a tough pill to swallow. As we get older, it is heartbreaking when we see how imperfect our parents actually are. I would encourage you to continue to stay strong and pray to Allah to keep you on a path towards success for your future. Alhamdullilah it sounds like you are on a successful path and are on your way to college in a few years. I would also recommend looking for a job or volunteer experience. The point is to be out of the house so you can start to get your own idea of independence and be able to take a breather from the hectic environment of your home. If your school has free counseling services, please take advantage of it.
Please don’t lose hope. Remember that often times, people’s actions and the words they say are a result of what is going on inside of them, not always a result of what you did or did not do. The tongue is a reflection of the heart. You are not responsible for others bad behavior. Pray to Allah to show you the right things to say, the right path to take. Pray to Allah to show you the way to improve your relationship with your family. When are intentions are right, Allah will put us on the best path.
Sending you lots of love and dua <3