Grief

Dear Fatima, I’m a 20-year-old girl living and studying in the U.S. I have been grieving for 2 years now. I lost my mom in 2017 and haven’t been able to fully come back to life since then. I’m so thankful to Allah for giving me hope (to meet her in afterlife) and strength to keep on living. I started praying on the day she passed away, and started wearing hijab 5 months later which I am very thankful for because that means Allah wanted me to walk toward Him. If not my faith in Him, I swear I would have ended my life on that day, I would have hung myself immediately or something. This is so painful. My mom was my EVERYTHING. Our relationship was something different, on some other spiritual level. I could NEVER imagine my life without her. But it happened, and I am here alive. All thanks to Allah. I am alive, but I only exist, can’t live to the fullest. It’s been about 1.5 years since that time, but I still cannot believe and accept that she’s gone. I feel so lonely and empty inside. I lost trust in people. I lost my confidence. I was a completely different person before. I was confident, active, cheerful, sociable. But now I’m the opposite. I avoid talking to people, I don’t want to do anything, my mood is so unstable. I am an international student in the U.S., so living away from my family makes it even harder. I’m so homesick, although in 2015 (when my mom was still alive) I was an exchange student in the U.S., and I had the best year of my life, I was not homesick at all and enjoyed my year (by this I want to say that I am very independent and used to be positive, but now I’m still independent, but I feel so homesick because my relationship with my family has strengthened up since we lost her). Now I should be the happiest because studying in the U.S. had always been my and my parents’ dream, but I can’t be happy. I am so sad. Sometimes I don’t even want to live, but the only reason I’m thankful that I’m alive is that I don’t feel ready to face Allah yet, I want to improve myself and become a better Muslim before I die. But if only there was a chance for me to wash off my sins, so that I would not be that embarassed to appear in front of Allah, I would be happy to die. I lost interest in this life although I have the best dad, sister, and brother, and a bunch of good friends, and I love them so much and it’s bad that even thinking of them doesn’t help. I just don’t see the meaning in anything anymore. The only thing that is keeping me alive is Islam. But I am so in depression. I know my mom would want me to keep up and live a happy life. But I don’t want this life without her. The pain has become so bad that now I even feel it physically. Sometimes my heart physically hurts when I have a mental breakdown. I feel myself so lost in this life. I don’t trust anyone. I’m so lonely. The depression sometimes makes me so demotivated to do everything, and now I’m even struggling with my faith (like I don’t pray regularly), but I’m working on it. I do my best to overcome this and accept her absence, but nothing works. I’m seeing a professional psychologist in my city now. It has helped me only with talking it out ( before her I had NEVER told anyone what I’d been feeling the whole time, and it actually helps when somebody listens. And this is also a problem, for some reason I just can’t talk to people about this. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t. My psychologist is one and only person who I can talk to about this). But other than that, it’s not helping. I’m drowning in this state of depression. I feel so helpless. You are my last hope. Another thing is that I cannot forgive myself that I could not help her. She died in front of my eyes. There were other people in the room as well: some relatives, my dad, and my sister ( who was only 14 at that time which is so painful because she was so young, and I wish she didn’t have to experience it at this young age). Nobody did anything, everyone was just so lost and crying. It was the WORST day. But somehow I was able to call the ambulance and tell them to come. But then my aunts said that my mom’s body started to cool off, and everyone gave up. And the thing is that I lost myself as well, I couldn’t think and act rationally that day. And only when we realized she was gone, I remembered about the ambulance, and started asking people why it didn’t come, and they said they cancelled it. I hate myself for not taking care of it until the end. I should have taken it under my control and make sure the ambulance came. But I didn’t. The fact that I couldn’t help my mom and just let her go is killing me day by day. I was so helpless at that moment. And I can’t forgive myself for that. I hate myself for that. And now I’m helpless again, but this time to help myself get out of this state, and come back to normal life. I feel like the most important part of my heart has died with my mom, and now it’s so empty that it’s slowly killing me inside. And I also hate that I want her back, because I’m being egoistic. She was very sick. She was suffering from a constant pain every day. She was sick for a long time, and suffered so much that people used to say that this way Allah washed her sins off. And also she passed away on Friday. So there’s a hope she is in heaven InshaaAllah. So I should be happy that she is InshaaAllah with Him now (also with her parents, and other family). She must be having a great time there, without pain. So by wanting her back, I am being egoistic. And I hate this. But she was my everything, and now I’ve lost it.
Sister Fatima, I just can’t let her go in my heart, I just can’t accept she’s gone. When I think about my future without her, it’s so cold and dark. I just can’t get used to living without her. I can’t. Either I just exist and be depressed all the time, or die (which is a total NO for me). I don’t see any other option now. But since I believe in Allah, I believe there is a hope to get through it. I just don’t know how. You are literally my last hope now.
May Allah bless you. Jazāk Allāhu Khayran sister.

Asalaamoalaikum sister,

إِنَّا لِلّهِ وَإِنَّـا إِلَيْهِ رَاجِعُونَ

I am very sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine the pain of losing your mother, your confidant and your best friend would be like. However may Allah rest her soul in jannat-ul-firdaus. Ameen. 

I was glad to read that you see a psychologist which is great. You need to a safe place to process your grief and all the feelings that come with that. Losing a parent (as my own mother put it) is like walking in a hot dessert with no shade. 

What you are feeling is valid and justified. No matter how long it has been since she passed. My own mother grieves the loss of both of her parents till now even though it has been 22+ years. May Allah grant you sabr. Ameen. 

You are a very strong, resilient woman sister. You have the courage to express yourself on this forum. You might not feel that way, but believe it! Allah is an All-Loving, Caring, Nurturing God and your faith in Him is strong. He is for sure guiding you through this. It is up to you to keep on holding on and trusting in His plans for you. I know and understand that what you’re going through is truly painful and devastating but Allah has plans for your future. I would recommend that you recite Surah Yaseen as much as possible and ask for His mercy and blessings. He will definitely ease your pain. InshAllah. 

Also, I got the feeling that you might need some extra help emotionally and mentally; I would suggest to seek a psychiatrist and get an evaluation done to see whether medicine can work for you.